


It Gets Better

by UsernameOK



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Acts of Kindness, Awkward Crush, Awkward Tension, Depression, Drug Use, F/M, Family Drama, Fluff and Humor, Hopeful Ending, Misunderstandings, Past Child Abuse, Recreational Drug Use, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Insert, Slice of Life, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 05:52:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 76,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12125943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UsernameOK/pseuds/UsernameOK
Summary: It wasn't supposed to go this way. I just had to open my big mouth.My first non animated series based fic; I loved Dear Evan Hansen and I could find myself relating to a lot of the characters or finding them familiar with people in my own high school years. So, it's a self insert basically and I guess it's AU since it doesn't follow the canon events. Either way, I hope you enjoy my first fanfic inspired by a musical!





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey dad,”

“Hey sweetie,” he leaned over me to hand my mother a envelope. “Jo, would you mind sending this out in the mail for me?”

My mom managed to hold in a tired sigh as she took one hand off the steering wheel; my sister was already outside of the car, ready and waiting for the school bus. I gave her a wide toothy exaggeration of a smile and she grinned back showing all her crooked teeth. I wondered if the one that was all the way up in her gums hurt.

“Okay, I’ll do it after work.” my mom handed me the envelope to hold; she wanted nothing more than to get out of there.

“Thanks,” my dad leaned over so I could give him a kiss on the cheek; I don’t remember when I started doing this to say goodbye. “Have a good day Melinda.”

“Love you, see you later.” I said it half to him and to my sister, but she was already walking into my dad’s complex. He tugged lightly on the leash of his dog who stopped trying to reach me through the car window and bounded off; she looked like a plush foot stool with her stubby limbs and squashed square body. My dad looked like he was walking along a stuffed animal, but he never objected to Dixie’s size. He loved all dogs.

“God another thing to do. Do you ever think he realizes I’m busy with other shit?” my mom muttered tiredly; the car engine was still purring and all she had to do was touch the pedal to make it roll out of the parking lot. She usually only cursed when she was stressed.

I kept silent and checked the time; I still had a while before school started. My mom continued to speak, voice clipped and frustrated.

“And of course he never offers gas.”

“Mhm.”

“And he says it’s on the way, but we don’t go to the cigarette store or to buy dog food or-”

“Yeah.” I said tiredly, sympathetically.

My mom sighed heavily and gave me a smile. “Thank you for letting me use your car.”

“Oh mom,” I shook my head. “You’re the one always driving everyone everywhere.”

I didn’t mention that I didn’t even have my own license; there wasn’t much of a reason to for the time being, since everywhere I went was either in walking distance or on a bus route. Besides, getting a license and driving classes cost money.

“Do you want breakfast?”

“Sure.”

“Do you only want one donut?”

“Yeah, just one.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes ma.” I said with a smile. “Stop enabling me.”

“You’ve got a long day ahead of you.”

“Eh, it’ll be fine.”

“What’d you pack for lunch.”

“Sandwich, apple-”

“That’s it?”

“Ma, it’s fine.”

She started talking to me about work and the resident bitch of the office between ordering through the driveway; my mom always talked a bit too loud, but I doubted anyone at the window was listening. The usual girl with the middle eastern accent smiled and told us the rewards card was working; she looked exhausted, but she always smiled. Customer service must teach you how to bullshit pretty well. Once we pulled out of the Dunkin’ Donuts, the conversation turned to geography.

“I thought she sounded Indian.”

“Is that the same as middle eastern.”

“No, people from India are actually Asian.”

“What?” my mom looked surprised.

“I didn’t think of it until later, but India is part of Asian, so technically Indians are asian.” I sipped the cold coffee; it tasted more like chocolate honestly. I would have ordered hot cocoa, but it was too warm in the car.

“Oh god, look at that asshole.” I pointed out a kid as soon as we pulled into the high school parking lot; there were tons of kids piling out of school buses by now and my mom was getting visibly nervous, muttering under her breath.

“The brats better watch where they’re walking.” my mom gave a look to one girl looking up and down periodically from her phone. “Sorry sweetie, what’d you say?”

“Ugh, that asshole with the long hair.” Not that I had anything against him personally; Connor was an asshole, but I addressed most strangers that way casually.

“Huh, he’s cute.”

“Mom.”

“Our tastes are different.” my mom said absently. “When I was your age, I liked the punk guys you hate.”

I shrugged. “I don’t think just any guy can pull it off, you know, the homeless look.”

My mom laughed for the first time this morning.

“Thanks for driving me, I can walk next time.”

“I know, thanks for coming along. Your dad is getting on my nerves.” my mom’s expression was dry again; for such a short, sweet looking woman, my mom could switch to serious when someone pushed her right buttons. But my dad alone was a hot button topic on bad days.

“It’s okay, thanks for the food.” I let myself out of the car and swung my backpack on my shoulders. “Love you ma, see you later.”

“Love you too!”

I closed the door and my mom drove off to another day of a watered down version of ‘The Office’ minus the humor. I walked down the sidewalk leading to the school entrance, mentally going over my day and the classes and how much homework I would probably have after school. The first day never gave homework, but chances were I’d just finish it all during class anyway or lunch. I could walk straight home, relax, and go for a real walk.

The thing was, my school was only a ten minute walk away. My younger sister went to a transition program where they taught special needs kids like her job skills and autonomy and all that. Once they were telling her she could live on her own one day, which was bullshit because she was mentally seven and wanted to be a cat when she grew up. Besides, she wanted to live with me and my mom.

Not that the program was a bad thing; it was a pain that it started earlier than my school day, but since my mom had to go to work at a certain time, she was dropped off at my dad’s place across the street so he could watch her until her bus came. She would do work supervised at the local mall and then she would end up at my school for regular classes. I’d probably see her at lunch. My older sister might have been able to watch her in the mornings, but she was usually staying overnight at her boyfriend’s house and went to college courses or her part time job with him taking up the job of driving her around.

 _“I don’t blame her for it. I’m sure with everything else going on she needs all the time to get away she can get.”_ I looked for my lockers and didn’t budge as one kid went walking past me; he wasn’t paying attention and might have knocked me over if I wasn’t so sturdy. I didn’t bother to look at him as I walked past and he made a timid apology.

“Oh sorry…”

“Mm.” I nodded barely and kept going, swiveling my head to look for the number; all the lockers for seniors were on two floors, one above the other, and mine should have been on the ground level. “The fuck is it…?”

A girl cast me a strange look but I ignored it; what, with all the nutjobs in this place my muttering to myself was the weird thing?

But then again, on closer inspection, she was looking not toward me, but where I was headed; my locker was almost to the end of the hallway next to a classroom.

 _“Aw shit.”_ I muttered just audibly as i saw who was my neighbor. _“Damn and he smells like pot. I already feel like sneezing.”_

Pot made me sneeze; most strong scents made me sneeze. Perfume, cologne, incense, etc. Connor pothead Murphy of course couldn’t care less; he was looking dead to the world, longish hair falling everywhere and looking greasy at the roots. I was surprised he was actually there before remembering he’d most likely skip every class.

 _“His sister is so studious...but then, me and my sisters are all pretty different.”_ Of course, none of us were juvenile delinquents, but that was beside the point. I read my locker combination and got in open in record time; I never could remember exactly which way it turn it at what number. As I surveyed the dingy inside and checked my schedule to see which books I would need for the first classes before lunch so I could put away the rest. As I was loading three of them away, a scribble caught my eye on the inside of the locker door. It looked like it might have been a gang symbol or just really shitty graffiti.

“The fuck is that?”

“What?”

The sharp response took me off guard and for a crazy second I thought the locker had spoken back until Connor Murphy’s face peered out from behind the open door.

“Huh? You got something to say?”

“What?” I blinked. “Oh! Nah, I was talking to myself.”

Connor gave me a hard stare before going back to his own locker; it was already decorated.

“You like that band?” I asked before I could think.

“Yeah.”

I looked at him for a minute before taking a pack of gum out of my pocket; my dad had given it to me earlier. He always gave me things I didn’t really need that he just had lying around.

“I can smell the pot really well. Do you want this? It’s smells even stronger.”

Connor’s grip on his locker door tightened. “So what, I smell like shit and you’re doing me a favor?”

“I don’t mind it, but that security guards been looking like she’s deciding whether or not to come over here to grill you about it. I don’t like gum anyway.”

“Who doesn’t like gum?”

I shrugged. “Me.” I held it out. “I won’t eat it, so it’s better it not go to waste.”

Connor’s eyes slide over to where the security guard was looking up and down the hallway; some of the kids around here came from shifty areas and fights would break out occasionally. The guards didn’t even have guns from what I could see, but they were serious about their jobs. Connor knew that while he couldn’t get busted for having pot on him, smelling like it in a high school was another matter.

“Thanks.” he said with absolutely no sincerity; it was like being thanked by a Speak-and-Spell.

I just shrugged again and closed my locker. “Have a good one.”

Connor went back to his own business while I went to the second floor to find my first class, a light scowl on his face as he stowed the gum away in his pocket.

 _“What, it’s not poison asshole.”_ I thought with minimum animosity; for the most part I was more surprised with myself. This was the first time in three years of high school I initiated a casual conversation and quite out of nowhere. _“I must be more tired than I thought...”_

With this quickly fading from my concerns, I found my first class; the teacher was actually in the middle of talking with a girl who looked like she was the one high. Early bird I was, but even I wasn’t that up in the morning; I took a seat in front next to the door. The strategy was that since I was voluntarily doing it, and I wasn’t a troublemaker, teachers would feel less inclined to call on me. Plus, I was first to leave to avoid the crowd of people searching for friends and blocking the hallways during the transition to next period.

“Sir, how soon does the Social Action Club meet? Is it a regular schedule?”

“Well Alana, we meet every Thursday right after school, depending on weather and the number of members that show up and stick around.” the teacher said in a rush; how he was able to get in a word edgewise through Alana’s string of questions was a mystery for the ages. I would have admired her go getter attitude if she wasn’t so annoying as shit about it.

“Alana, I have to start class now, but feel free to come here during lunch if you have more questions, oh-” the teacher handed her a flier. “And you can check out our website. But not during class on your phone, no matter how exciting it is.”

Alana laughed (no seriously, she wasn’t just sucking up) and took a seat in the front row a few seats down. The teacher took a breath and walked to the customary position in front of the white board.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning.” I was the only one besides Alana who said it clearly; I may not be as attentive, but there’s no reason to be rude.

“I’m Mr. Miller. You can call me Mr. M, Mr. Miller or...yeah, that’s about it.”

The class chuckled a bit as Mr. Miller wrote out his name, the class number, and a question. I read it in my head while others mouthed it to themselves.

“Who am I?” Mr. Miller said aloud. “I’m pretty sure most of your classes today are going to have fun icebreaker assignments and games, but I was hoping we could skip it and keep this simple so we can head straight on to sociology. But first, roll call!”

Besides Alana, I could not remember a single name and the only reason I remembered hers was because she had been in quite a few of my classes already and she almost made it a point to stand out. How she wasn’t getting picked on for it was another timeless conundrum. After Mr. Miller marked down who was there and who was absent, he proceeded with the quasi lesson.

“Okay, so first things first, who can tell me the definition of sociology? It doesn’t have to be from the textbook, just a guess is fine.”

I stared at him blankly along with everyone else; a few students did raise their hands, but even they looked a bit unsure. Surprisingly, Alana wasn’t one of them. A person might not expect she did a lot more observing and active listening than talking, but there you have it.

One kid said his statement more like a question. “The study of how people act in society?”

“Good, this class will be easy!” Mr. Miller smiled and nodded at the boy. “Sociology, by definition, is the study of the development, structure, and functioning of human society. And let me tell you, it’s one of the most complex studies out there. I mean, just look at how complex a single person is; now take that person and have them integrate and live in a world of a few billion other complex individuals.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

The girl who spoke up wasn’t being sarcastic. “Why do we study that stuff?” she asked curiously. “I mean, what do we get from knowing how people work?”

“Good question. After all, you could study human beings for years and still not have everything pegged down into simple categories. It’s too easy. But why do we do it? Let’s see…” Mr. Miller ran a hand over his hair and clapped his hands together a few times as he walked back and forth in front of the class; he was searching for another ‘victim’. “How about-hello.”

“Hey.”

“Lost your way?” Mr. Miller said lightly but Connor didn’t smile; seeing this was a kid who didn’t have much of a sense of humor, Mr. Miller decided to be blunt. “What’s your name?”

“Connor Murphy.”

Mr. Miller picked up the attendance booklet and thumbed through the pages. “Okay, I’ll let this tardy slide since it’s the first day. Actually, announcement.” he said suddenly. “For the first week, I won’t be counting tardy incidents. Some of you are juniors unfamiliar with the layout and I understand for seniors that the first week is the hardest to get back in the rhythm.”

The class muttered among themselves with enthusiasm as Mr. Miller checked off Connor’s name.

“Alright Connor, we’re not doing assigned seats until next week, so for now just pick your preferred station. You haven’t missed a thing.”

Connor said nothing as he plopped down on the nearest seat to the door. Well, second nearest; I felt a strong whiff of spearmint hit my nostrils as he dropped his bag to the side of his desk.

“Okay, so why do we study sociology?” Mr. Miller picked up where he left off. “Connor, since you were late to the discussion, do you have any input?”

Connor stared blankly at the teacher. “No.”

“Sure?”

Connor nodded and Mr. Miller smiled pleasantly; I would have flipped him off for being a little shit, but I guess teacher’s had to keep their cool.

 _“What’s worse working in customer service or education?”_ I zoned out at the possibilities; in fact, I was so zoned out, I didn’t even hear Mr. Miller call my name.

“Okay there? Anyone in there?”

“Oh sorry.” I said blandly.

“Any ideas?”

“About why we study it?”

“Yep.” the class laughed quietly at my predicament; was it that funny? Who doesn’t not pay attention on the first day?

“Eh, well, I guess since sociology is related to psychology and studying the human mind individually helps us in fields like social services, mental health, and stuff, we should also try to understand how society and they way people think collectively affects the individual mindset.”

“....good answer.” Mr. Miller looked at me with a dazed half smile; the rest of the class was back to their mime routine. I shrugged as Mr. Miller continued with his sort of lecture.

“-and so, that brings us to our icebreaker. I want you to come up as I call you-yes, public speaking is an essential skill-and say your name and just say something about who you are as a person.”

Alana raised her hand. “Could we have sometime to think it over? It’s a bit broad of a subject.”

“Hm, good point...okay, let’s shrink it down a bit.” Mr. Miller thought for a moment. “Alright, say your name and a goal you have. It could be anything, well it has to be appropriate for class discussion, but it could be getting an A in class or going skydiving or getting accepted into your dream college, making a new friend this year. Anything’s possible. Take a couple minutes to think it over while I get out the lesson plan, talk among yourselves, but don’t scream it out. Go!”

Immediately it began; the people who knew friends in that class came together to speak while the ones who’s didn’t know anyone there thought quietly to themselves. Well, it wasn’t that I didn’t know anyone; there was just no one I ever talked to there. The only people I talked to regularly weren’t in that building at all, though my little sister might have the same lunch period as me, but of course, we couldn’t discuss anything from my classes. We could talk about persian cats.

 _“Goals...goals…”_ I grimaced lightly to myself; all of my goals and dreams were far too personal to tell to these people. I tried to think hard about small time goals, but nothing good came to mind. _“I want....no. It's way too personal. There has to be something….something small...why can’t I think of anything? Oh, hold on-”_

“Okay, times up. Who’s first?”

A boy with the beginnings of a beard raised his hand and stood up; he looked a bit like a pothead actually, but a friendly one.

“Hi, I’m Daniel. I want to own a Mastiff someday; they’re kind of expensive and we don’t have room for one now, but I’ll definitely have one when I get my own place.”

“Dog lover, nice.” Mr. Miller gave him a thumbs up from his own chair. “Any more volunteers?”

Alana was next of course but I drowned her out; who didn’t know about her ambitions?

“Wow, that’s a goal for the ages.” Mr. Miller complimented.

The list went on; one kid wanted to get their license, another couldn’t wait to be 21 so they could attend a live concert of their favorite band (alcohol was served at all their shows and no one wanted a kid to sneak in and get drunk and get in an accident), another wanted to motorcycle through Europe, and another wanted to become the next person to be an astronaut and discover if there really is life outside of earth.

I sighed as the class dwindled to five or so people who hadn’t spoken; I raised my hand and decided to just get it over with. Mr. Miller nodded and gestured for me to stand. I did so and didn’t bother facing the others.

“I’m-” a kid sneezed loudly. “-and I want to be a juvenile parole officer.”

Mr. Miller nodded as I sat back down. “Why?”

I refrained from giving him a look and asking, why do you want to know?

“Why?”

“You don’t have to say why.” Mr. Miller said kindly; I felt bad for not just answering.

“Well, I think the justice system doesn’t focus enough on prevention and by the time an offender is an adult, it’s sort of over for them. So, a kid might have a better chance at changing their life around.”

Mr. Miller looked genuinely interested. “What do you mean, ‘over for them’?”

I shrugged and shifted in my seat. “You can’t vote after being convicted of a felony. And let’s face it, most people don’t want a guy who’s been in prison or jail to work for them. Even the prison system is more focused on just keeping them locked away instead of rehabilitation.”

“And why do you think that is?”

I thought for a moment, wondering what he was getting at. “Well, society seems to be more focused on just keeping the people they don’t want around away from everyone else. It’s simpler that way, to just push them under the rug and forget. But if you do it that way, the problems that cause people to commit crimes in the first place can’t get resolved. It’s a cycle.”

Mr. Miller nodded and turned to address the class. “Sorry for interrupting the flow, but this is exactly one of the subject we’ll be covering later in the semester and I didn’t want to waste the opportunity to touch on it. Thank you for humoring me,” he gave me one last smile before picking out another student.

 _“Hm. That was smart.”_ I couldn’t help be a bit impressed; teachers who stuck to a script usually couldn’t care less about whether we learned anything. Mr. Miller obviously was interested in his own subject and I couldn’t help respect it despite him putting me on the spot.

The class was doing well until it was Connor’s turn; I had expected he would tell the teacher to get bent, but maybe he was too tired to be hostile this early in the morning.

“I’m Connor.” he didn’t move from his slouch; Mr. Miller didn’t comment, just waited for him to continue. “I’d like to make it through the day without having to punch someone in the face.”

“Productive. We should all aspire to avoid violent confrontation.”

Students sort of looked at each other; I couldn’t even tell whether he was being serious or not. Connor seemed to be just as confused since he decided not to say more.

I wish I could sat the next few classes were worth talking about; algebra was fine and gym was actually fun. I might have not been in the best shape, but I did enjoy the games, even if I usually ended up floating around. No one wanted the chubby girl on their team, at least until they saw I wasn’t going to just huff and puff through the most basic exercises. Next was lunch and I found my usual table. I always wondered who say there the other two lunch periods.

All the tables in the center of the cafeteria were round circles; the ones bordering on the edge of the room were rectangles, like lab tables almost. On the first day things were pretty scattered, but I was one of the first people to even get to the cafeteria since I never stopped during the five minutes they gave us to walk to our next period.

As more and more people filed in, I saw Michelle and her class walk behind their teacher. A few kids stared briefly of course; one of her classmates was almost as tiny as a toddler and could walk or speak. Michelle was one of the few who had no physical disabilities along with the mental one; she was the loudest and I attributed this to copying our mom’s speech patterns. I watched her from my seat but didn’t approach; I know she wanted the time to talk with her friends. I would wait until halfway through the hour to say hi or give her a special snack she forgot to pack.

It was a bit selfish; I wanted anyone who could see to know I knew her and they had better watch what they said in front of me. Call it overprotective, but there you have it.

“Hey Michelle.” I said and gave a brief smile to her teacher.

“Hi!” she pushed back her long hair; she once spent an hour crying because I cut it. And she asked me to cut it. “I’m having lunch.”

“Mhm. Here.” I handed her a bag of chip I got from the vending machine.

“I already ate.”

“Are you still hungry?”

“Yes.”

“You can have these.”

“Will I get sick?” Michelle asked in her voice that could have passed for normal if not for the timid childlike quality to it. Her teachers had warned her of the dangers of junk food.

“No, it’s just one bag.”

“Thanks!” Michelle opened the bag. “These are my friends.”

“Hey.” I raised a hand limply at the other kids; their glassy eyes stared back and a few smiled widely. Others were in worlds of their own or eating. “Remember to come home first before you go to the library.”

“Okay.” she nodded dutifully with her mouth full. I smiled at her; when she wasn’t throwing a tantrum or being difficult or repeating the same sentence over and over, she was cute.

Would she ever look like an adult? It seemed no matter how tall she grew or how deeper her voice got or how her body was one of an almost full grown woman now, she would always have the look of a young girl in my mind.

I sat back down, ignoring any curious stares that might have been sent my way; I’m sure no one really cared what someone was doing going over to special kid’s table for a second, but then, people still managed to surprise me now and then.

“Hey, want to sit with us?”

“No.” I said simply, eyes never leaving the girl’s warm face. I had no idea who she was.

“Okay, well if you change your mind, I sit over there.” she pointed to another circle table a few feet away. Her buddies didn’t look very welcoming.

“Kay, thanks.” I went back to reading my textbook as soon as she left. _“Christ, can’t she see I’m busy here?”_

That wasn’t fair; I knew she was just being nice.

“Um, can I sit here?”

 _“Son of a bitch, who now?”_ I looked up and saw the boy who had knocked into me from earlier.

“It’d just be for today, I don’t have a seat, and I got here late, and-”

“It’s fine.” I said nonchalantly before going back to my book; this wasn’t new. Last year there were these two girls who didn’t have anywhere to sit. They didn’t actually even know each other. The only thing they had in common was that they didn’t have friends and didn’t have a regular place to eat. It was a bit annoying, but I wasn’t about to make them struggle to find a place.

“...thanks. Sorry.” the boy sat down carefully, balancing his tray in one arm; his other was busted and in a cast. He was quiet at least; I could barely even hear him chew.

“Mm.” I hummed as I went through the algebra word problems. “It’s fine.”

I felt a bit of pity suddenly; this kid was obviously not like me. He did not choose to eat alone.

 _“Wonder how he fucked up his arm…”_ I yawned softly and checked my watch; it was fifteen more minutes to the end of lunch; the kid was already done with his lunch and walking to the trash to put away his empty tray. As he sat back down, I didn’t look up; I didn’t really look at him the whole time, though I could sense his nervousness. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him fidgeting.

_“Oh well. He’ll have to suck it up, ‘cause I don’t feel like talking.”_

“I’m Evan Hansen.”

“Hey.” I said with a nod and went back to my homework. _“Take the fucking hint kid…”_

“Hey.” he said and his voice cracked; maybe it was a good thing I didn’t bother to speak. He didn’t look up to having a conversation either.

 _“I can see why he’s alone.”_ the bell rang just as I finished packing my things. _“Next stop, biology concepts.”_

Evan looked like he was going to say goodbye, but I was gone and swallowed up in the crowd before he could get a word out.

_“He should get it now.”_

It really wasn’t anything personal; I knew next to nothing about the guy. I just wasn’t up to learning more. I would probably forget his name tomorrow when he came to lunch on time and sat with a motley crew of other kids at one of the tables located at the edges of the cafeteria where the leftovers would find refuge. Some of them made friends with each others and the rest would just be grateful they had a place to sit. Evan would probably be the latter. That wasn’t my problem.

I sat down in the first seat, closest to the door, as usual; I felt tired despite it just being the second half of the day.

_“It’s just easier this way…”_


	2. Chapter 2

“Hello.” I unlocked the front door and walked inside, taking off my shoes as I locked it back up. When I got home it was empty; Michelle had probably already gone to the library and my mom wouldn’t be home for another few hours. I guessed Aurelia was still at work; she’d probably sleep over her boyfriend’s house tonight too. The great thing about my family was that you pretty much knew where everyone was all the time, even when we weren’t together.

“Okay, what do we got here….?” I put aside my backpack on the counter for a minute; I didn’t even have to take anything out. All the homework we had been given had been done before the day was done. This didn’t erase the fact we didn’t have much to make a dinner out of.

I scratched my head. _“Well, Michelle can make a hot dog and mom will probably make a salad...Aurelia won’t be here. Eh, tv dinner it is.”_

My mom had bought a stock of salisbury steak dinners for times just like this; typically I would cook dinner for myself and anyone else who wanted it before they got home, but today there wasn’t much to cook for four or three people.

 _“Ugh, what is this shit?”_ I looked at the new dessert item pocket of the tray, if it could be called that. _“Weird ass apple shit...just give me another piece of meat.”_

It took less than half an hour to cook the food and eat it hot from the microwave; I tossed the remains and what I didn’t eat into the trash along with the bag I used for lunch. I took another look around the kitchen; the dishes were done, the floor was clean, and the stove wasn’t stained very much.

“Okay, throw in a load of laundry and I can go.” I told myself bracingly; since no one was home the load was relatively light. It was a good time to wash my little sister’s pajamas. She had them for three years now and there was a hole in to backside area, but she refused to get new ones. All I could do was wash the stained things and sew the damage back up. Once she had a routine, it could take months or years to change it.

I laughed to myself; once she insisted on fried eggs and toast for breakfast every morning; three eggs, two pieces of bread. It was getting expensive, so I convinced her to eat two eggs and she could have three on Sundays; once I was out for an early morning walk and my mom generously tried to make her three, but Michelle had adamantly told her she was only allowed to have two that day. It was the new routine, no exceptions.

It occurred to me suddenly that if I went outside for a walk now, there’d be a bunch of kids walking around after school. The local ice cream place would be full, the park would be filled with kids, and the library would be swamped of course.

 _“The forest trail should be clear now. Track shouldn’t start for another week at least.”_ I reasoned as I changed into a lighter shirt; it was still hot out for August.

As I took off my jeans and t shirt, one of the dresses hanging in my closet caught my eye; I really only wore them during the summer and it was still pretty warm out.

“Eh, why not?” I smiled a bit and took the dress into my hands to see if it was dirty or not before slipping it over my head. I put on shorts under it and found went back downstairs to get my flip flops. I could never wear something like this at school; I didn’t actually know their dress code and I didn’t feel like dressing up to go there anyway.

My mom always said coral was my color; she said her mother would always wear it and whenever I did, she would mention this tidbit with a giddy smile. I wished my grandma was alive; she could live with us and when I got home from school I could help her with baking (she was a homemaker who spent everyday cooking all the meals and then some) and listen to her stories and see her proud smile when I wore coral. But she had died shortly before Aurelia was born and all I knew of her was in fact from stories.

The dress swayed against my knees, just going an inch past my shorts. I wished it had pockets so I could carry my music player without using a purse. I checked my phone for the time and decided to stay out for an hour at least; I’d have time to come back, put the clothes in the dryer, and go back out when it was sunset. That was the best time to go out since no one was out walking around then.

I sighed and felt content. Everything was calm. Everything was just as it should be, like clockwork.

Then my phone rang.

“Hey Melinda, is your mom home?”

“No.”

“Oh okay.” my dad sounded funny. “How was school?”

“Good.” I kept answers to a minimum; he wouldn’t be able to pay attention for longer ones.

“That’s good sweetie. Do you mind telling your mom I called later?”

I already knew he probably called her five times by now, but I said yes anyway; as he hung up, I knew he would probably call me later tonight when he couldn’t reach my mom’s phone. He would never bug my older sister at least; she might kill him.

Maybe I should take this time to explain a few things; for one, my real name isn’t Melinda. Well, it sort of is. It’s a nickname anyway; my dad likes it better than my legal one. I don’t mind using it.

Secondly, he’s a drug addict and those calls were most likely to bug my mom for money or to drive him to the bank to get money. We never picked up the phone after a certain at night when he called; to his credit, he was clean for almost five years. I’m the only one who knows besides my mom he’s relapsed. I’ve never confronted him about it; there’s no reason to. I barely talk to him now and that’s the way it works out. Having a drug addict for a dad wouldn’t be such a hassle if it didn’t keep affecting us.

“Don’t get wound up.” I told myself as I locked the door on my way out. _“It’s not even half as bad as things used to be. Don’t complain now that you’ve got it good.”_

My philosophy to all of life’s hassles was pretty simple; deal with it. Need to cry? Do it and make it quick. Need to feel bad about yourself? Fine, but shut up and finish the dishes while you get it out of your system. Make yourself useful. At least you’ll have one less thing to feel shitty about.

When my grandmother died, my mom told me she was shocked when she had to go into work the next day; coworkers offered their condolences of course, but that was it. Everyone had to keep working; it was a Monday. My mom had to answer phones, write down numbers, and drive a forklift in the back because some guy was on vacation.

Hearing her account wasn’t my first taste of reality; for as long as I can remember, it had been made clear to me that any troubles I had were a drop in the bucket. I could not and should not have the nerve to expect people would drop everything and help me.

You have problems? You have a crisis going on? You feel like everything is hopeless and that nothing is going your way? Too bad, because life doesn’t just stop because yours is ending.

I tried to push back these cynical thoughts as I took the back road into the forest trail; this wasn’t the time to be thinking of that stuff. Walks were for relaxing, listening to my music, breathing in some air. For just a little bit, I wanted to forget.

School was great for that. All I had to do was focus on my work and the lectures; I didn’t have to think of anything else there. Just shut up, keep my head down, and take some notes. It was all so easy compared to everything else.

 _“Huh...am I done for the day?”_ I felt something tickling the back of my mind as I made my way down the trail; the music was pulsing through my earbuds, but I could still hear everything else going on around me. There was a faint sound of cars driving past on the road next to to preserve and if I really strained to hear it, I could make out the gentle hush of the river. A year ago they found some guy dead in it; suicide was the main suspected reason for the drowning. It had happened in the next town over, but I couldn’t help wonder if some part of the guy was still floating around or stuck in the bottom of the muck somewhere. I gave him this, he must have been damned determined to die. Drowning was one of the worst ways to snuff it.

 _“Oh yeah. I still have to put them in the dryer.”_ I reminded myself. _“Maybe I’ll stop by the convenience store. I bet they’re decorated for Halloween already.”_

“Shut up, someone’s coming.”

I was just turning into the overpass; the way to get to the convenience store from the forest trail was to go under the bridge and come up the hill on the right side of the street. Under there you could feel the cars rumbling overhead; underneath was a sort of wall made of stones that made a border between the hill and the bike path trail. I had often seen beer bottles and other assortments of wrappers and bottles on the rocks that built the foundation to hold up the bridge. Once, on the actual concrete of the trail, there was a pentagram drawn in chalk with a few stubbed out candles and what looked like red berry juice. Probably.

Today there were a small group of guys who might have gone to my school; the smell of tobacco and booze wasn’t that overpowering, but the closer I got, the stronger it was.

I made brief eye contact and smiled casually; I doubted they would harass me, they probably just wanted to get their fix in peace. This wasn’t the kind of neighborhood for more extreme things.

Three of the boys were looking away from me or just glanced me over blankly; they obviously didn’t want to keep speaking with a stranger listening in even if I did have my earbuds in. I almost wanted to tell them I couldn’t care less what they were up to.

The fourth boy had his hood up and his hand held a lit cigarette halfway to his mouth; he locked eyes with me and I smiled a bit more genially, but not enough to welcome a conversation.

 _“Weird, I’ve never seen him here before.”_ I thought as I passed Connor and what I assumed to be his pals. They didn’t look familiar, and I know he didn’t have friends at our school. _“Or maybe they’re just guys he gets high with.”_

Druggies didn’t seem to be able to hang onto friends; too much commitment that might take up precious time that could be spent getting high. Of course, I had no idea whether Connor was into the harder stuff that really made you an addict; my dad was an asshole when he had withdrawal, so maybe that was the source of Connor’s shitty personality. He may have been as mean as a rabid dog, but he’d be stupid to do the hard stuff like crack or meth or heroin in school.

 _“Fucking druggies. Get high if you want, but leave the rest of us out of it.”_ I thought bitterly as I stepped inside the store; true to my suspicion, they did decorate already.

The autumn themed balloons and hanging bats made me feel a burst of energy as I made my way directly to the holiday aisle. One side was packed with candy and the other had all the decorations; animatronic dolls that sang Halloween themed parodies, knick knacks, fake bat and rats and spider, fake cobwebs and even a few cheap costumes and masks. I went right over to the candy section; I loved it when they put pictures of pumpkins and witches and ghosts in the chocolate. I decided to wait on the candy and go straight back to the dolls; with a look in both directions of the aisle, I began flipping all the switches and pressing all the buttons with a giggle before scurrying back to the sweets.

 _“Okay, no more screwing around.”_ I looked at the individually wrapped candies. _“I’m feeling like chocolate...ooh fifty cent truffles…”_

My phone rang once more; I sighed heavily but my scowl melted away as I saw my mom’s work number flashing on the screen.

“Hey ma.”

“Hey, did you dad call you?”

Her voice sounded distressed.

“Yeah. Said for me to tell you he wanted you to call him when you got home.”

“Goddammit. Don’t answer your phone anymore.”

“I know ma.”

“Are you at home? I left early to get Michelle.”

“No, the store. Do you need me to pick up anything?” I fiddled with the colorful masks on the rack.

“No-wait, do we still need toilet paper?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry ma, I got it.”

“Thanks. I’m sorry.”

“Just don’t give him anything.”

A second of silence. “I was going to take him to get groceries tonight.”

“Let him starve.” I half joked. _“Let him know how it feels.”_

“You know I can’t do that. He’s still your father.”

“Yeah and he’s being a dick.”

My mom laughed a bit. “I’ll get you McDonald’s on the way home.”

“Okay.” I said softly. “I’m sorry mom…”

“I know. Me too.”

I shut my eyes for a brief moment, clutching the phone in my hand and trying to smack down the surge of indignancy swelling in my heart.

“Ma, you should just let him deal with it. He blew his money on that stuff.”

“Sweetie, we can’t just let him go hungry.”

“Yeah, sure….” I said grudgingly. _“Because he cared about what happened to us...dammit, when did I get so petty?”_

“I love you. I’ll see you later.”

“Love you too.”

“Things will get better.”

“Yeah, I know ma...”

She hung up and I stuffed my phone back into my purse. _“I was having so much fun just a second ago too…”_

The candy in my hand might have broken from how tightly I had held it in my fist; I smiled down at it ruefully.

“Oh well.”

“Hey.”

I opened my eyes and turned around.

“You’re blocking the aisle.”

I resumed my usual face. “Sorry, getting candy.”

“Yeah, I’m not fucking blind. I need to get through.”

I shrugged, took my candy, and moved away from Connor to the next aisle.

“Okay, toilet paper…” I scanned the shelves and found the second cheapest brand; my fun trip was ruined and I just wanted to get out of there. For once luck was on my side since there were only two people ahead of me in the short line; typically they only had one register open, unless it was the holidays.

 _“Stick to that.”_ I told myself internally. _“The holidays are coming up; you can bake and decorate the house and watch specials and have a little fun. Things are not the same. He won’t spoil it.”_

“$5.87.” the woman said politely enough; she had the same exhausted look as the donut lady; I nodded and gave her the money and she gave me back my change in seconds. I was already a inch toward the door when I heard the next customer curse lowly.

“Is there a problem sir?” the clerk asked almost in a way that sounded no apathetic.

Connor was running a hand through his hair with a deep frown; the lady was waiting for him to pay for four bags of chips and four sodas.

 _“What no booze?”_ I watched as he cursed again while searching his pockets. _“I thought he had money…? Unless he spends it on that shit. Or maybe his parents don’t give him money in case he buys that shit with it.”_

“Sir?”

“I’m short a couple bucks.” Connor told her. “Look, just-”

“Hey, I’ll get it.”

Connor shot me a dirty look; I felt like doing the same to myself.

I instead said nonchalantly. “Your friends are hungry right?”

“They’re not-” he clamped his mouth shut and kept it in a firm straight line.

“It’s fine, I got change to cover it.” I held out two dollars; he took them without really looking at them. “Don’t worry about it. Not like I need to buy more candy.” I patted my stomach with a half smile. “Have a good one.”

It had gotten a bit less sunny outside; a gust had blown up my skirt and I was grateful for the shorts. I had maybe another two hours before the sun actually set, and since my mom would get Michelle, i didn’t have to worry about being home sooner.

 _“What if he comes by...no, he doesn’t want them to know.”_ I reminded myself; it had been years since my dad had bothered us in the middle of the night for money. At least now he wasn’t living in the same house.

Still, I didn’t want to go back. I would just feel restless and want to go right back outside; the bag holding the toilet paper was light, so I wouldn’t be lugging around something heavy. I decided to go over the bridge to get to the other side of the street; I didn’t feel like bumping into any of Connor’s buddies. I didn’t feel like bumping into anyone really, but I didn’t want to go home either.

 _“Stupid.”_ I reprimanded myself; as if I could just escape it all by going to a park or a store and stuffing my face with candy.

But there was nothing else to do, so I walked along the path, stopping now and then to look over into the river to see if I could see any frogs. Sometimes a muskrat would be swimming down stream. When it got a bit darker, I might even be able to see a few does; bucks never came out in the open and if I did come across one by some chance, I was smart enough to stay away. The only thing more dangerous was to get in between a doe and her fawns, but spring was long over and those fawns would be adults by now.

The river was pretty still that day despite the light wind; I could see the reflections of the tree branches hanging over head. After a few more minutes I began to cross the small bridge over the murky water where it was the most shallow; minnows scattered at my shadow alone and I leaned a bit farther over the railing to get a closer look. The longer I spent observing my surroundings, the less time it took to get relaxed again; nature was just what it was. No big deal, no drama; just water and dirt and animals who did what they had to do to survive, didn’t want to bother anyone.

“Hey, stay still. Can’t count you little bastards.” I giggled as the minnows scattered; I was crouching on the flat dirt of the bank, the hem of my skirts just avoiding skimming the muddy water. I had my chocolate unwrapped and half eaten. “Okay, got it. There’s a bunch of you. Mystery solved.”

“Are you talking to the fish?”

I started and looked up; it was already getting dark to the point the sun was only a sliver on the horizon. Connor was looking down at me a foot away, his heavy boots half sunken into the mud as he adjusted his footing; there weren’t any snacks in his hands, so I assumed I must have been out there long enough for him and his friends to eat them and get to the preferred level of buzzed.

“Sure.”

“Freak.”

I shrugged and looked back to the minnows as they began to come nearer to the surface. I could see a few fireflies just skirting the water; I hoped it was too cold for mosquitoes.

“Well?”

I looked back up; he hadn’t left. “What?”

“When are you expecting your money back?”

“Oh. I don’t really care.”

Connor’s fists clenched and he thrust them in his jacket pockets. “Then what do you want?”

I didn’t bother to look back at him. “Nothing.”

He wasn’t moving; I refrained from making an impatient noise in my throat. He was ruining my alone time.

“Hey, aren’t your friends missing you?”

“We’re not friends. One of them is my dealer, the others just came along.”

“Alright.” I stood up not wanting to be around this guy if he was high. Some people got happy when they smoked. Some got paranoid and others got emotional. Connor Murphy was already a jackass sober as far as I could tell and I didn’t want to be there when he had one of his infamous flip outs. Besides, my family needed the toilet paper I was carrying.

“See ya.” I said with a limp hand wave before turning back down the path toward the sidewalk that would lead me past the school and straight home. I popped my earbuds in and scrolled through my playlist. I was feeling like something more rock now that my spirits had risen (in spite of my unwanted visitor).

“Are you listening to that band?”

“What?” I asked abruptly; Connor just appeared out of nowhere. I never knew he was so light on his feet. “Oh, the one on your locker? No, it’s another one.”

That was a lie; I just didn’t want to get into a conversation.

“You have them on your playlist.”

“No, didn’t get around to it.” Another lie. _“Come on, what does this asshole even want? I shouldn’t have helped him out; probably thinks I’ll hand over money like a sucker and he’ll blow it on some shit to make himself forget what a dick he is.”_

“So, what the fuck was up in the store?”

Now I was confused. “What?”

“You sounded like you were ready to cry on the phone.”

The blunt retort made me actually do a double take.

“Having family issues?”

I gave a chuckle. “Sure. You know, just like everyone in the history of the world.”

Connor didn’t look amused. “Are you gay?”

Now I really was confused. And not in that way.

“...no.” I stopped and turned to look at him. “Where the hell did that one come from?”

“Most of the people at school say you’re a dyke.”

“Okay. Well, they’re too much of pussies to say it to my face apparently.” I began walking again.

“And you never wear dresses to school.”

I stopped again. “So? Did I violate the dress code? Are you the hall monitor?”

He ignored the comment. “And you don’t talk to anyone.”

“Okay, is this like big news? No one’s ever said anything to me, so I assume it’s not too big of an issue, but I might be wrong.” I laughed incredulously, failing to mention he never spoke a word to anyone that wasn’t a threat. “Oh god….well, is there anything else you think I should give a shit about?”

“Maybe about your bitchy attitude.”

“Yeah, nag me some more and then tell me who’s being a bitch.” I said with a half smile and started walking off faster. _“This guy has some fucking nerve. This is what I get for being nice…”_

“So is it true?”

Connor was still following me a few feet away, but he didn’t look like he’d get any closer. I sighed and paused my music.

“No, I’m not gay. Are you done?”

“So, you like guys?”

“No, I like steak.” I answered and he flipped me off, his face twisted in plain anger. “What? It’s good. And it doesn’t nag me for no reason.”

I waited for him to say anything else, but the insult never came. He laughed; well, in a really sarcastic sort of way, but it was sort of a laugh.

“Whatever. Don’t get kidnapped on your way home.”

I had the weirdest feeling he didn't mean it, but I never go the chance to challenge this since Connor began walking in the opposite direction, whether to his own neighborhood or to a dealer to score or to just nowhere in particular, I couldn’t say. I wasn’t going to ask.

_“Oh shit, the laundry.”_

I didn’t spare a look back while I sped home.

 


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn’t easy to stay up during Mr. Miller’s lecture the next day; not that it was boring. If anything, I was shocked at how interesting the subject material was.

“What is a family?”

No one in the class raised their hand.

“Come on, any guesses?”

 _“Move on…”_ I stifled a yawn and stared down at my notebook, scribbling down the power point slide notes.

“Is it the people who are related to you?”

“Yes, but there’s more to it than that. Does anyone know how many types of families there are?”

The girl who answered looked at her book as if it had all the answers; which it technically did, but for the time being Mr. Miller had asked us not to open our texts yet. He wanted us to use critical thinking skills to attempt to understand the topic before we got to the official definitions.

“There’s nuclear families and single parent families.” Alana helpfully suggested.

“Yes! These are the two we most recognize in our everyday live. And as time has gone by, it seems that single parent families are on the rise.” Mr. Miller added. “Nuclear families were the norm at one point; a typical nuclear family has two parents, usually a man and a woman, and a few kids. In the baby boomer age this sort of family was considered the ‘model’ family.”

I faded in and out of the discussion feeling my eyes want to drift closed.

“We sort of have this myth going on about single parent families because of this long standing norm. What do you think contributed to this idea? Connor?”

“What?” the reply wasn’t said with confusion; it had more of a, ‘why are you bugging me?’ sort of tone. But Mr. Miller wasn’t affected.

“Why do you think people see nuclear families as the desirable type of family? What about our society projects this?”

“I don’t know.”

“Guess.”

“If I had any idea, I would have a guess.”

Mr. Miller’s easy smile grew taut. “If you can’t even guess...Mindy, still with us?”

“W-what?” their voices were so foggy; I almost thought I was dreaming, but there Mr. Miller was standing in front of my desk. Connor and Alana were looking aside at me as well.

“Are you okay?”

“Mhm, I’m good.” I smiled as apologetically as I could and tried to look more awake.

“I know you’re probably used to staying up during summer vacation, but try to get sleep okay?”

I kept my mouth shut and nodded.

“Do you have any guesses?”

I shrugged. “You see it on TV a lot, so that’s a thing.”

“TV?”

“Yeah, like how all the shows have two parents and usually the husband is fat and the wife is a nag and the kids are bratty or stupid. But they always have two parents and kids.”

“That’s a...colorful assessment.” Mr. Miller was looking at me strangely and there were muffled chuckles in the back row. I hadn’t meant to be funny; or maybe they were laughing at me. “Alana?”

“Mr. Miller, because this image of the ‘perfect family’ has been shown in almost all forms of media as the dominant family type, it’s built a sort of picture in the public’s mind of what a family is supposed to be like.”

“Subliminal messaging!” Pothead Daniel spoke up and the class had another laugh.

“Exactly. In that similar vein, the media typically shows single parent families in a bad light; the parents struggle, the kids feel unwanted. The father is usually gone and the mother is left to carry the responsibility, which has contributed to the stereotype that women are the default caregivers in situations where the man can’t be present.”

A murmur of assent rose up among the girls; the boys didn’t say anything, but I felt a bit bad for them. After all, if the media was painting women as stereotypical harried single moms, then it was enforcing the stereotype that men were pigs who would probably leave a girl with all the bills and the kid to take care of. 

 _“Well, not that it doesn’t happen.”_ I almost chuckled at the morbid thought, but I tried to keep tuned in to the lesson as well as I could.

“In the first chapter the author goes into the real issues of single parents; the general consensus is that the worst threat to a single parent family is….?”

Mr. Miller waited for someone to speak up; Alana’s hand shot up in the air.

“Poverty.”

“Right again!” Mr. Miller smiled widely. “The number one thing that threatens the stability of families, marriages, relationships, can be traced to financial problems. If a single parent has to work over time to make ends meet, they can’t be home as often for the kids. This could lead to unintentional neglect or a lack of supervision that could potentially lead to a child getting into things they shouldn’t. At a certain age, children aren’t even allowed to be home alone and parents are expected to provide some sort of supervision for when they can’t be there or enroll the child in an after school program. But of course, childcare and extracurricular activities cost money.”

 _“Damn right.”_ I smiled wryly as I took note; Michelle’s special education was twice as much as mine or Aurelia cost. My mom was still fighting for her to get SSI and Medicare benefits; if you asked me, Michelle was born with the short end of the stick. If anyone deserved discount health care a free money, it was someone as helpless as her.

“What about the side effects of divorce?” Alana spoke up once more; a few kids were undoubtedly giving each other looks behind her back. If she knew, she didn’t let on.

“Well, doesn’t it depend?” a girl swung back her messy ponytail from her shoulder. “If the relationship is toxic and the kid shouldn’t be around it, maybe divorce is better.”

 _“There you go sweetie, right on the mark.”_ I sighed and began doodling in my notebook; this lesson was getting nostalgically depressing.

“But therapy could help right? My dad says there’s more programs where social workers come if there’s still a chance if the family could stay together and they provide counseling and parent classes and stuff.” this time is was a slight boy who looked more like a freshman than a junior.

“That’s true.” Mr. Miller conceded. “It really depends on the situation, especially if the child or one of the partners is being abused. In some cases, there’s not much else to do but separate them.”

I carefully traced the hearts over and over on the margins of my paper; I tried to make arrows go through them, but they never looked quite right. _“Ah, they are just doodles…”_

“What’s that?” Connor tucked his hair behind his ear to get a better look at my doodles; he was staring like I had drawn swastikas. I just shrugged and put a finger to my lips with a half smile and looked back down to cover my hearts with my arm before Mr. Miller looked over the front row. Connor turned his attention back to nothing in particular with a frown.

 _“Does he ever not look pissed?”_ I waited until Mr. Miller was sure he had everyone’s attention before going back to the power point projected on the whiteboard.

Now that I thought about it, this was the most I had ever heard out of Connor. Usually it was all curses. Actually, he never even spoke to me directly since yesterday; I had been in the same grade with him since middle school and it seemed like he just got more unruly and like a dick as the years went by. Never talked to anyone longer than it took to pick a fight or push a weaker kid to the ground; last year he had missed at least half of the school year. It was a miracle he was even allowed to graduate to the twelfth grade. No one was stupid enough to make it their business to ask him about it either.

I kept drawing hearts over and over; I don’t know why I liked them so much. They just looked nice.

“So, you got back alive.”

Connor was opening his locker at the same time as me.

“Yep.” I put away the sociology textbook and traded it for my math one; with only two books on the highest shelf, the locker could have passed for vacant.

“Do you like that stupid class?”

“It’s fine.”

Connor had one hand hanging on the corner of the locker door. “I don’t get why we have to learn that shit. I’m not working with fucked up families in the future.”

 _“Why are you talking to me?”_ I wanted to ask.

“Half these classes are useless. I don’t get why anyone bothers to show up.” Connor continued as I found room for my books in my bag; it would need to have the strap sew up soon. Aurelia had this for her whole four years of high school, but it still hung in there.

“Mhm.”

Connor blew his bangs from his eyes. “What’s the point of even coming here?”

“Mm.”

“Real fucking nice.” he slammed his locker shut and gave me a dull look. “It’s fucking rude to ignore someone when they’re talking to you.”

“Okay, here’s some advice. Stop coming here if you hate it so much. Drop out, get your GED, and then you can put yourself out of your misery.”

My heart stopped when a fist smashed into my lockers and dented the metal; it had just missed the back of my head.

“What the hell?!” I jumped back; the kids walking past and the ones nearby getting their own stuff out of their lockers all stopped what they were doing to stare. None of them looked surprised, but all looked wary.

“Why are you-?!” Connor stopped as soon as he saw over a dozen other students staring at him. “What the fuck are you looking at? You!”

Daniel from sociology blinked. “Uh…”

“The fuck are you staring at?”

“Nothing.”

“Then stop staring at me!” Connor rounded on Daniel who brought his hands up defensively despite being a head taller than the guy looking ready to punch him in the face.

“Connor!” a girl forced her way past the crows just as a couple of the teachers had emerged to see what the ruckus was all about. “Stop it or I’m-!”

“What? You’ll tell on me?” Connor said mockingly; his sister stood her ground. Her eyes were narrowed and dark like his but her hair was a lighter shade of brown, almost blonde. You might have not pegged them for siblings off the bat, but their hostility was currently identical.

I looked between them both and raised an eyebrow; no one was really saying anything. I decided to take this opportunity to walk away and get to my next class. Daniel had already slunked off with a group of his friends; even the teachers weren’t stepping in just yet.  
“Uh, I’ve gotta get going.”

“I’m sorry.” Zoe gave me an apologetic look. “My brother’s an asshole.”

“I’m cool, I just want to get to class…”

“Shut up Zoey, unless you want my next punch to-”

“Connor Murphy!”

We all turned around to see Mr. Miller walking through the gathering of gaping kids; Connor lowered his fist and glowered up at the teacher. I was sort of in shock; I didn’t think even Connor would threaten to punch his sister in the middle of school.

A few minutes later I was on my to the office with Connor and Zoe, wondering why the hell I was even going. What did I do?

“I want to hear what happened.”

The principal looked from each of us; Zoe sat up right in her chair, eyes flashing indignantly. Connor was slumped, arms crossed and looking at the carpet. I was looking the principle in the eye.

“Connor got pissed at me and punched my locker and then Zoe showed up and told him to stop and then he sounded like he was going to punch her.” I said blandly. “Then Mr. Miller told us to go to you.”

Principle Johnson just looked at me for a moment before turning his attention to Zoe. “Was he threatening to hit you?”

“Yes.”

Johnson sighed and looked over at Connor. “Connor, what happened to get you so angry in the first place?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why did you threaten your sister?”

“I wasn’t actually going to.”

“That doesn’t excuse you making threats. We won’t tolerate this; I’m willing to only give you detention after school today instead of a suspension since this is your first strike of the year, but if I hear of you physically threatening or resorting to violence on school grounds-”

We were all released; Johnson would email a note personally to Connor and Zoe’s parents. I was just free to go to my next class with a slip saying I wasn’t to be marked down as tardy.

At lunch I tried not to think about the incident; why Connor had freaked out on me and his little sister wasn’t any of my concern. It was over now; I wasn’t even trying to talk to him in the first place.

“H-he..lo..”

I didn’t bother looking up as Evan sat down on the opposite side of my table; well, what used to be my table. I let out a sound confirming I acknowledged his presence and allowed him to sit; algebra was already kicking my ass and I really just wanted to focus on the problems in front of me.

“Aren’t you-?”

“Eh?”

“Nothing....”

I spared a glance at Evan and my eyes involuntarily went to his cast; in blocky letters were printed in black sharpie.

_“Was that there yesterday? Christ I don’t even remember his last name.”_

But the thing that really stood out was that the name ‘CONNOR’ was signed almost over the whole thing.

 _“Nah…”_ I went back to my equations. _“There’s like five other Connor’s in this dump.”_

I stuffed curly fries into my mouth when I heard a high pitched sort of whimper; sure enough I looked over at Michelle’s table and there were tears in her eyes. Her heavy mascara was going to be ruined.

“Crap.”

Evan looked up at me like a startled bird as I got up with my fries and marched to the special table.

“Michelle?”

“Kenny-!” she couldn’t finish her sentence; her teacher was wheeling one of the other kids over to the table with a distressed grimace. “My hot dog.”

“Ketchup goes on hotdogs.” A boy with a choppy haircut who I presumed to be Kenny said simply; his eyes were on my face but it didn’t look like he was registering anything.

“My hot dog…” Michelle whimpered.

“Okay, we can fix this.” I took her hot dog and switched it with my fries; she looked somehwat appeased, but she still fixed Kenny with a dirty look.

“Kenny, is this your hot dog?”

“No. No, no no.”

“Yeah, so don’t touch it.”

“No?”

“Yeah, it’s not yours. Is that your hot dog?” I pointed to his tray and he nodded like a bobble head. “Here, eat this. And put ketchup on that one. Not Michelle’s.”

“Okay.”

“Kay.” I turned to Michelle. “Better?”

“Yes.” Michelle’s tears had already dried up before they could mess up her makeup; she was 17 and she wanted to try it this year. She gave me a toothy grin and held up her curly fries as if to show the whole table; thankfully I still had a sandwich from home and cookies I baked in a baggie if I got hungry. “Thank you!”

“No problem.”

The teacher had just arrived and was settling in the wheelchair bound kid; she gave me a tired smile and I nodded.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“Here, I’ll give this to you now.” she had a beaten up folder stuffed with papers; she pulled one out and handed it to me. “It’s for Michelle’s next field trip. She needs permission and five dollars for lunch.”

“Sure, I’ll take care of it.” Before I left, I stuck out my tongue at Michelle with crossed eyes and she gave a big booming chortle; her laughing was deeper than her talking. Stares followed as I went back to my table; Evan was looking back and forth between me and his burger. I felt irritated.

“What?”

“N-nothing.”

I fixed him with a hard stare and went back to my book. _“Say the wrong thing and I’ll take your other arm off...”_

“Hey.” Connor took a seat next to Evan; well, not right next to him, but a foot away about beside him. “How do you manage to carry stuff with your busted arm?”

“Uh, I-I manage.” Evan smiled timidly as he used his not busted arm to spoon mac and cheese into his mouth.

“And you really got it falling out of a tree? No bullshit?”

“Uh, no. True story.”

“Wow.” Connor shook his head in disbelief with a small smirk at Evan’s flushed face. “I don’t think I’ve heard of a dumber way to break a bone.”

 _“What the fuck is going on?”_ I was internally screaming as I went through a fill in the blank sheet for my homework. It wasn’t hard to do it while half seething, I had memorized most of the terms or I could infer what they meant, but that didn’t mean I wanted this to be a repeated pattern. _“What the fuck? You know what? Screw it, just ignore them. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but it’s none of my business.”_

“So, you like my sister?”

“What?”

_“What?”_

“What? That paper-”

Evan gave Connor a terrified look and seemed to be gesturing to me; I sighed and began rifling through my bag for my mp3 player.

“I don’t care about whatever it is you two are talking about.” I said bluntly as I scrolled down my playlist; I was feeling in a indie pop mood. Or maybe R&B. I’ll see what came up first.

“No one was talking to you.” Connor shot back with a sneer.

“Keep it that way.” I turned up the volume and went back to the sheet.

“So, um, did you have lunch?” Evan asked slowly; he was obviously a bit flabbergasted at the exchange but I wasn’t giving any explanation. I didn’t even want him at the damn table. I could still hear them for the most part too; if I turned up the music too loud I wouldn’t be able to hear if Michelle called me for something.

“So, on the subject of Zoe,”

“Oh no, it’s not-I didn’t mean…” Evan trailed off; it was clear he was in a place where he couldn’t talk his way around whatever was on the paper Connor mentioned.

“Well, since you’re a weirdo who falls out of trees and can barely talk, I’m not very worried.”

“Uh...thanks.” Evan paused. “Did you have lunch already?”

“Nope.”

“Oh.”

“The food here is shit.”

“Oh. What, uh, what about a home lunch?”

“Mom’s a health nut.” Connor said as if that explained everything; there was another lingering silence. I could practically hear Evan wrack his brain for what to say next. Nervous wrecks like him hated awkward silence.

_“What is that prick doing here? Are they actually friends?”_

“W-what was that?” came Evan’s voice this time a very perturbed; he almost sounded amused, maybe. “Was that your stomach?”

“You got anything for me to eat?”

“Sorry, I only had enough to get my lunch and I just…”

“Whatever. I’ll take something out of one of the older vending machines when no one’s looking. All they need is a good push.”

“Oh.”

“What?”

“I-no offense-just those are pretty bad for you.” Evan was wilting under Connor’s glare. “I mean, for a meal.”

“.....the fuck? Are you Mr. Rogers or something?”

“Hey, you want this?” I held out my paper bag and wondered what in god’s name was wrong with me. “It’s PB&J and chocolate chip cookies.”

“...are you Mrs. Fucking Rogers?”

"Good pitch, but no."

“T-that’s nice, that sounds good though, right?” Evan inquired hesitantly. "You know, the food."

“Well, I don’t need it and I’d rather not waste it so,” I shrugged my shoulder.

“Yeah, wasting food is, is not good.”

Both me and Connor looked at Evan and he seemed to shrink. “Just saying…”

Connor rolled his eyes and snatched the bag from my hand. “You owe me anyway for getting me detention.”

“You smashed my locker in and threatened to punch your little sister. Ya don’t need my help.”

“...what?” Evan mouthed to himself; Connor just took a large bite of the sandwich with a defiant glare, though it’s not like I expected him to say a thank you. At least maybe his mouth would be too full for the rest of lunch period to say anything else.

 _“Why did I give this asshole my food?”_ I couldn’t help wonder as I turned back to the worksheet; not that I was really able to concentrate on it now. _“I mean, he just got done ruining my locker...why the hell did he get so pissed off? What the hell did I even say to him? I don’t even remember what we were talking about...”_

“Hey, can I...have one?”

I almost wanted to smack myself at Evan’s small voice; the next thing I heard was the sound of a plastic bag opening with a sort of zip.

“What brand is this?” Evan asked no one in particular as he chewed a cookie.

“Do I look like I’d know?”

“No, no, you don’t look like a...cookie...expert...person….”

_“God this is painful to hear.”_

“Mindy?”

I felt a hand on my shoulder; Michelle was looking down at me. Mascara was running down her cheeks.

“What?”

“Kenny said I can’t wear mascara.”

“...what?” I asked in disbelief.

“He said-”

“No, I heard you. What the fuck-okay, hold on.” I grabbed my bag and shoved all my stuff into the biggest pocket; it was only five minutes to the end of lunch and I didn’t get to finish my sheet. Michelle stomped over to her table with me following her like a shadow. A tired, hungry shadow.

“Where’s your teacher?”

“She went to help Sarah into the bathroom.”

“Ah.” I sighed; Kenny was hunched over and looking at his shoes. “Hey Kenny.”

“Hey.”

“Did you say Michelle couldn’t wear mascara?”

“Yes.” he lisped; I had no idea what he had to put him in the special needs class. Honestly, I didn’t even know the teacher’s name or anything about her classmates.

“Well, you can’t tell her that.”

Michelle was sitting down, pouting and crossing her arms over her chest like a five year old.

“Why?”

“Because you don’t pay for her food or her clothes or anything. You. Can’t. Tell. Her. What. To. Do.”

Kenny didn’t say anything; he seemed to understand he did something wrong. Whether he knew exactly what that was, I had no clue.

“The soccer game is Friday.” this came from the almost miniscule girl in the oversized mechanical chair. I was thinking of a Professor X joke, but then I realized I was probably going to burn in hell if I said it outloud.

“Yeah, I know.”

“I’m the goalie!” Michelle piped up. “Tammy is...uh…”

“I know, she’s there too.” I cut her off. And I definitely wasn’t going to comment on how fucked up it seemed that a girl who couldn’t move her arms or legs was being forced to play soccer. Not that they’d get it.

“I like, I like basketball more.” A larger boy who could tower over me said softly; his brow was scrunched up as if every word was a struggle.

“That’s great man.”

“I like it too!” Michelle nodded quickly.

“Right. You okay now?” I asked, trying not to sound too tired or she’d get pissed thinking I was upset with her.

“I’m o-kay.” she gave me a solemn thumbs up; I stuck out my tongue and bared my teeth in a silly snarl. A few of the other kids laughed with her and waved to me just as the bell rang out through the school for next period.

“That wasn’t nice.”

I was halfway out of the cafeteria when Alana came out of nowhere, her perky smile wiped from her face and replaced with a disapproving frown. I sighed heavily; what now?

“What?”

“You were making faces at those kids, pretending you were...disabled.”

Oh.

“Look, I don’t know about the others, but my sister likes my faces. They’re just silly. She likes silly shit.”

Alana’s face fell. “Oh, I’m…sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s cool.” I waved her off and began walking away. _“It seems like I’m getting shit from everyone today. First he flips out, then Michelle almost throws a tantrum in the middle of the day, and now this chick was trying to get on my case. I just want to get my fucking homework done. Michelle’s one thing, but why can’t everyone just leave me alone?”_

When I got home the day got worse.

“I’m home.”

“Hey.”

I smiled, not expecting an answer. “Hey Aurelia.”

“Hey, did you do my laundry already?”

“Yeah, put it on your bed.” I said as I went to the kitchen to get something to drink; the sink was full of baking utensils and bowls.

“I made a cake for Travis and his mom.”

“Nice.” I said as she bustled around trying to stuff her found clothes into a duffle bag. “I made cookies if you want any.”

“Thanks,” she sounded distracted, just on the border of irritated. I didn’t see too much of her these days, but I could tell today wasn’t a good day for her anxiety.

“How’s school?” she asked as she began slipping the cake into it’s container.

“Good.” I barely had time to say before she was heading into the other room; I leaned against the counter and finished my milk.

“Is dad coming over to do laundry?”

“No, he’s just giving it to mom for me to do.”

Aurelia scoffed and muttered under her breath. “Well, I’m staying over Travis’. He should be here soon.”

“He get off work already?”

“Yeah, they let him leave early today.”

“Good, he works hard.”

Aurelia didn’t say anything; this wasn’t a good day to talk. Mom had made me swear not to mention anything to her about our dad falling back into crack, but honestly, anything pertaining to him made her on edge. And she didn’t like it that my mom was even still giving him help or rides or lending him grocery money, drugs or no. I stayed out of it.

“See you Mindy. Would you mind locking the door?”

“Sure,” I began rinsing out my cup as she carried her stuff outside where her boyfriend must have been waiting. “Bye, love you.”

Aurelia had already closed the door shut before I could finish.

“Huh, I should let mom know she’s gone.”

My phone was still at full battery when I turned it on to call her; I never used it during school. I didn’t need to for anything really.

“Hey honey.” she said cheerfully; today was a good day. “What’s up?”

“Aurelia staying over at Travis’, just letting you know.”

“Oh thanks. Is the ground beef defrosted?”

“Yeah.”

“You have everything you need to make meatballs?”

“Yeah, no problem.”

“Later can you put away some for your dad? He doesn’t have any money for groceries until the 15th.”

“I wonder why.”

We laughed.

“I’m not giving him any of mine or he can give me his Link and I’ll get them myself.”

“Or let him starve.”

“Haha. How was school?”

_“I’m so tired…”_

“Good.”

“Classes fine?”

“Yeah, easy.”

_“I could barely keep awake. I gave away my food to a fucking asshole. Sound familiar? Only difference is this one didn’t land a punch on my face, just my locker.”_

“I’m getting started on his laundry, do you have any clothes you need washed?”

“No, I’m fine.” my mom said quickly. “Mindy, I’m sorry about last night. Thanks for going with me to get him.”

My dad had been stranded in a shitty neighborhood; he was tweaked and shaking the ride home; he was mad at my mom for taking me for the ride, but she was scared to go into that neighborhood alone at night. Last time he asked her to pick him up he had promised the dealer he could have her car.

Before he got out of the car, I kissed his stubbled cheek and he left the car looking more ashamed than he ever did. He didn’t apologize but he looked it. Apologies didn’t mean anything anyway. They never did.

“It’s fine ma, I didn’t want you going alone.”

She laughed and said. “Your reward will be in heaven.”

“Sure, but when will that be?” came my practiced response. “Can’t wait around forever. I got other shit to do.”

Now she was roaring with laughter; she’d probably tell her coworkers about my joke and brag to them about what a good daughter I was. But she would never mention _that_.

I had never told anyone about _that_. I didn’t even talk about it to my family; we all knew what we lived through already. Why bring it up? Why make them remember too just because I wanted to? _I_ didn't even want to.

“I love you, see you tonight!”

“Kay, love you too ma.”

My eyes might have been stinging but nothing came out. No harsh breaths, no sobs, no whimpers. I just felt a buzzing in my head that faded as I prepared dinner and checked on the wash and finished my work sheets.

_“Heaven huh….?”_

It was a sort of running joke, but my mom did believe in heaven and God. I had no idea myself what happened after the end, but if there was heaven, what kind of reward would I get?

_“Will it be worth all of this?”_

I thought about my life for a second. I lived how I wanted to, made my own decisions; all of them I took responsibility for, no matter the outcome.

I hoped they would be worth it.


	4. Chapter 4

“Morales?”

“Here.”

“Morgan?”

“Here.”

“Murphy?”

“Here.”

I thanked whatever god I didn’t believe in that it was the not psychotic Murphy; then again, that glare of hers was nothing to sniff at.

Mrs. Allinson went down the rows of students sitting on the dirty gym floor all she did attendance. They probably cleaned it everyday, but let’s face it, some crap never can get washed off.

I was surprised I remembered our gym teacher’s name so soon; it was already two months into classes and I usually didn’t quite get them stuck in my head until the third month.

Maybe it was because everyone swore Mrs. Allinson was a typical lesbian gym teacher; well, maybe not everyone, and most of the others just took it as a joke, but a lot of the girls made sure to face away from the office window that had a clear view of the lockers. I never understood why it was such a big deal to change clothes; it took me two minutes tops and I was usually the first one out of the locker room and into the gym.

“You got it Mindy!”

I reached out for the volleyball and missed; my team groaned and the ball rolled away to Zoe who only looked somewhat disappointed. Mrs. Allinson blew her whistle, signaling for everyone to shut up and put away the balls without shooting them into the bin like basketballs. My team walked ahead of me briskly.

“We just needed one more good shot-”

“It’s just a game.”

“Yeah, but she doesn’t even care.”

I didn’t say anything; I mean, they were completely right. What else was there to say?

“You missed three.” Zoe pointed out to a girl i recognized from my english class. I think it was Stacy. Or Stephanie. Or was it Jenny?

“Well, at least I tried.”

Zoe didn’t know what to say to that; I passed by them and went straight to my locker to strip off my sweaty uniform. I decided to bring it home for washing tonight, but having the extra baggage was annoying.

 _“Okay, lunch time.”_ I was one of the first out the locker room too; it was actually located right next to the cafeteria for some weird ass reason. _“Actually, protein after working out is supposed to be a good thing...maybe I should get a Slim Jim…”_

I had just gotten comfortable at what used to be my table only to find a third person approaching along with the regulars; Evan was there everyday, usually silent as a church mouse. Connor would show up sporadically. I didn’t know this guy.

“So, do you have those notes?”

“Yeah, here.” Evan was fumbling to take out his folder with one arm; the other guy rolled his eyes impatiently. Connor looked ready to hit someone as he stabbed at his macaroni salad; he didn’t seem particularly fond of Evan, but he just seemed plain annoyed by the new guy.

“Here-oh no.” Evan reached out to grab the papers with his once cast bound arm; it was mostly healed from what I could see, but it was evident he couldn’t quite use it well since the second he tried, his whole bag came tumbling off his lap. I inwardly rolled my eyes as he yelped in pain from the attempt to gather it all up by himself.

“Nice going butter fingers.” the new guy chuckled as he watched Evan crouch to pick up his stuff.

“I-um, thanks.” Evan flinched; our hands almost knocked into each others as I helped pick up his notes.

“It’s fine.” I said in a way that hopefully conveyed that this wasn’t going to be a recurring thing as I scooped up all his textbooks and set them down with a loud thump on the table. Connor scowled at the loud noise but said nothing.

“So, am I interrupting a...thing?” the new guy looked from me and Evan and back. “I have to say, this is a pretty shitty idea for a date.”

“We’re not dating.” I said simply as Evan fumbled through an explanation.

“Ah okay. So Evan,” the guy apparently was satisfied with my answer. “I was going to say whether your puppy love stalker crush was resolved in that case-”

“What the fuck are you talking about four eyes?” Connor stood up and made the table shook from him smacking his hand on the surface.

“Oh yeah….you’re here.” the kid smiled in a easy and mocking sort of way. “Wow, and you’re letting this guy live?”

“Jared, shut up, please?!”

“Okay, okay, I’ll just leave you two alone with your gal pal-”

“I’m not their gal pal.” I raised my hand to get their attention. “Yeah, still here.”

“Ooookay. Ouch. Well, thanks for the notes, Evan, don’t forget to tell your mom to tell my mom we’re still cool, and see ya around!” Jared said cheerfully.

Connor flipped him off as he walked away. “What a dick. Why did you let him borrow your notes?”

“Well, why not? I-it’s fine, I don’t need them right now.” Evan said quickly as Connor looked more and more skeptical.

“Yeah. Sure, keep telling yourself that.” Connor went back to his salad.

I never talked to them much; two months of the same people sitting at my table everyday and I barely breathed a word. I never did find out what triggered Connor’s wrath.

 _“Well, this isn’t so bad. They don’t even talk to each other that much.”_ I was reminded of the two girls who had taken refuge at my table for a time; neither had any where else to go. I never knew why.

They weren’t ugly or pretty. Nothing about them stood out as particularly good or bad. But then again, I never asked why they felt they had no other place to sit. Evan and Connor were as different as could be, but they both couldn’t seem to talk to anyone normally. Evan stuttered and fumbled and hesitated. Connor bristled and cursed and brought up the drawbridge the second he heard something he took offense to; and like my own experience, many of these triggers seemed to be a mystery.

Whatever was wrong with these two, it was obvious what was going on; they had nowhere to go and no one to talk. I had to say, I felt a bit bad for Evan; he didn’t seem like an ass by any means, just a bit anxious. He sort of reminded me of Aurelia inj her more vulnerable moments, but her anxiety turned to irritation and anger too quick to be Evan’s shy, nervous demeanor.

And Connor...well I had no clue. I don’t know why he was so pissed or so ready to fight. He reminded me of a dog an old neighbor once had; this dog had something wrong with her. She just couldn’t get along with other dogs and sometimes she even lashed out at humans. The old man thought she might have been bred to fight, but he didn’t know for sure.

One day, she snapped and took down a dog so bad, it had to be euthanized. Surgery was too expensive and chances are it wouldn’t work; the owner was a friend of the old man, so no legal action was involved, but it was clear what had to be done. Two days later, my neighbor gave the dog a bit of chocolate, took her for a long walk, let her slobber all over him one last time, and put her down. No one ever knew what was wrong with her, but in the end it didn’t matter; she was a menace that shouldn’t be around others and the problem had to be taken care of.

Some days when Connor snapped it was like his hackles were rising and his eyes would get the same glazed over feral look of that dog. It really was scary. But of course, humans couldn’t be put down. At least, not in just any circumstance.

“ _Looks like I’m stuck with these two until graduation...oh well, they don’t bug me too much and it’s only two-”_

“Excuse me?”

A finger tapped my shoulder; Alana standing just behind me, tray in hand with a half smile. Her eyes were pleading.

“Aw fuck.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” I said. “What’s up?”

“Um…” she bit her lip. “Can I sit here? Just for today. Probably.”

I let my eyes rest over my book. “Do what you want. I don’t own the damn thing.”

“Thanks!” Alana’s perky smile was back for a moment as she slide into a seat right next to me. “By the way, sorry about what I said earlier.”

“Huh?” I blinked.

“You know, about you and your sister...I really didn’t know.”

“Oh. Yeah, forget about it.” I had.

“I am sorry though. I should have known better.”

I was really confused now. “Huh?”

“You wouldn’t do something like that.”

I stared at her.

“I mean, you know what I mean.”

I shrugged and busied myself with taking out the chapter quiz we had to do on our own for english.

“So, you said she’s autistic?” Alana said through a mouthful of peas; I was hoping she might choke on one.

“Yeah.”

“How long?”

“...what?” Did she think it was like the flu?

“I mean, when did you guys first find out? Some people don’t realize until the child’s a toddler.”

I debated what her game was; where was this coming from? Alana wasn’t mean or anything, but she never talked to me before.

“Yeah, that’s about right.” I assented.

“Oh. Is she high functioning?”

“She can talk and shit.”

Alana actually seemed to be thinking this over. “I’m curious, can she live on her own when she’s an adult?”

“Sure, but she can’t.”

“But you just said-”

“Would you let a five year old rent an apartment?”

“No.”

“Well, there you go.” I was losing my patience. “Are you doing some program with special needs kids next?”

“No, my next project is for helping to clean up that forest preserve trails and then we’re planning to -”

“Oh, he knows about that shit.” I pointed at Evan who had his head almost buried into his beans. “Hey you, you like trees right? Talk to her about the trees.”

“I don’t know-I mean, I do know a lot about trees but…”

Alana’s face lit up. “Oh, do you know about the species that are native to the preserve?”

Evan nodded; there was an odd glint to his eyes. A switch had been nudged. “Yes. I actually catalogued the different kinds and finished a sort of, uh, scrapbook thing, last weekend.”

“Seriously?! Hey, our club is letting non members join in on the event.” Alana moved all her stuff over to Evan’s side of the table. “It’d be a big help if we had a sort of expert on the plants; we were going to try to plant new trees and brush in all these spots that were cleared for construction on the trail. How about you come with?”

Evan looked like someone had just hit him in the face. But he didn’t look unhappy.

“Well, I don’t know...what time?”

“We’re having our first meeting on the project this Friday and the weekend after we start it for real.” Alana gave him a bracing smile. “We serve refreshments and we all go out for pizza later.”

“Uh, uh, well, that weekend I-”

“Have abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do.” Connor chimed in. “Hansen, grow some balls and get a life? You love that tree crap; and who knows, maybe it’ll get your creepy little mind off my sister.”

“I don’t-!” Evan stopped at Connor’s wry grin. “I...wait, are you joking?”

“Don’t you see me laughing? Anyway, just try not to fall out of a tree this time around.”

“Yeah, don’t do that, we aren’t liable for any injuries any of the students might get on the trip.” Alana added.

“I...okay.” Evan sputtered with a wobbly smile. “Sure, sure! I can bring you guys my catalogue Friday.”

“Actually, you sit here every lunch right?”

Evan nodded and Alana looked relieved. “Can you bring it tomorrow? I’d love to get a head start and look up places that carry the species.”

“Sure!” Evan almost sounded excited. “Um, anything else I should know?”

“I’ll bring a flier for you tomorrow, and I do have a few questions about whether you have allergies, any physical issues that might make it hard for you to help with the planting.”

“Oh.” Evan’s smile faltered. “My arm is still a bit out of shape, but it’s a lot stronger now…”

“That’s fine, you can act mainly as a guide for us. Actually, some of us will be digging and the others will plop in the trees and cover them back up; you can help with that, but if it’s too much, you can help serve drinks. Everyone does their part.”

“Okay, sounds, uh, sounds good!” Evan seemed to be trying to match her enthusiasm.

“Oh and you can come to.” Alana said as Connor let out a burp.

“Yeah, no.”

She shrugged. “Well Evan, looks like you’re our tree guy.”

“Cool.” Evan failed to say nonchalantly.

 _“Great, now if only they could join forces to find another fucking place to sit.”_ I looked at my watch; Michelle’s group was filing out of the food court and to their table. I searched into my bag for her lunch. My mom had woken up late and in their rush, Michelle had forgotten it in the refrigerator.

 _“Dammit, she didn’t pack a drink.”_ I sighed and made my way over to the vending machines with the paper bag; most of the choices were sugary crap, but she had to have a drink with every meal or she’d get upset and I wasn’t up to dealing with her. _“Fuck it, she’ll drink lemon tea. It’s better than Mountain Dew.”_

Michelle’s face it up when she saw me approaching. “That’s my lunch!”

“Hey, not so loud, people’ll think I’m stealing your shit.” I handed her the bag. “You like this tea still, right?”

“Yes.” she said solemnly. “Thank you.”

“Hi!”

“What-?”

Alana waved at Michelle with a sweet smile. “Hi.” she turned to me. “Is she your sister?”

“I’m Mindy’s sister!” Michelle said loudly; her teacher was looking on with a smile, but I could tell she was a bit worried. I knew Alana wasn’t about to tease anyone, but I still didn’t get what she was doing.

“I love your hair. It’s so long.”

“I use hair products!” Michelle wrapped a bit of hair around a finger like she had seen in an ad. “I like them, it’s my life!”

“I’m Alana, it’s nice to meet you.”

Michelle was absolutely tickled when Alana held out her hand for a handshake; some days she didn’t like people touching her at all, but handshakes were special and important in her mind.

“Michelle, eat your food before lunch ends. Me and Alana have to go.”

“Okay, I love you!” she called out; I hooked my fingers in my cheeks and dragged them down.

“I love you too.” I said in a growl with my eyes bugged out; Michelle was still smiling when we left for the table.

“She’s so cute.”

“Yeah.” I said shortly. “What was that about?”

Evan and Connor were pretending not to look at us.

“I just thought I’d say hi.”

“Why?”

Alana laughed. “It’s friendly. That was super nice of you to get her a drink and bring her lunch.”

“I wouldn’t let her starve.” I shrugged; my stomach was feeling weird. I wanted her to stop smiling at me.

“Yeah, but a lot of kids would be embarrassed to be seen with a family member who had a disability.”

I snorted. “They should be embarrassed.”

“See? I knew you were nice.”

“...who said I wasn’t?” I asked wryly. “And she’s my family. Of course I’d bring her food.”

Alana flipped her ponytail back from her shoulder. “Okay, but you also let me and these two sit here.”

“I don’t own the table. Anyone can just sit here.”

“Do you want us here?”

I looked her dead in the eye. “No.”

“Well, why don’t you ask us to leave?”

“Why do you talk so much? Is that why you’re stuck sitting here?”

Alana blinked rapidly before suddenly starting a conversation with Evan on the subject of trees. I pretended I couldn’t see the look on her face like she had been slapped.

_“Why can’t they just leave me alone? I’m tired. I just want a little peace when I can get it, is that a crime?”_

Alana suddenly joining the table of shame was only the first surprise of the day; just as I was walking home, I found Connor walking beside me, matching my stride step by step.

“So what crawled up your ass and died during lunch?”

I didn’t look at him. “The same thing that crawls up your ass and dies every day apparently.”

“I don’t like that nosey chick anymore than you, but you have no right calling me an ass when you’re just as bad.”

I stopped and stared at him incredulously. “Just as bad? Uh, last time I checked I didn’t randomly start trying to rip people’s heads off for breathing. I was trying to do my homework and she just starts talking to me about stuff that doesn’t even make sense.”

Just as I was getting ready to speed walk away, Connor cut me off; now he looked pissed.

No. He looked upset. Angry, bitter, and ticked, but upset too.

“You’re crazy.”

“...what?!”

“You’re nuts!” Connor reiterated. “You give people food and change and help pick up shit and let everyone sit with you, and after I fucked up your locker you gave me your fucking lunch with _homemade fucking cookies_ , and then just when someone thinks you’re not a completely mute grouch, you turn around and act like a asshole!”

I tried to say something, but he cut me off, hands gesturing wildly the more he ranted; did he pick that up from Evan?

“I mean, what the hell is your deal?! You don’t even say shit, like some days I can’t even hear you breathing and I think, ‘is this crazy chick dead?’ but no, you’re just zoned out, it’s like you’re the one smoking shit. And that thing with your sister-who does that? Who makes those retarded faces? And no, I don’t mean her, I mean those freaky ass faces, and I make sure to make that clear ‘cause Hansen told me you looked ready to gut him when he so much as mentioned your sister.”

Connor was actually scratching his hair and looking around like he was trying to get a clue. “Are you bipolar? Are you on meds? I just don’t get-you give me gum for no reason so I don’t get my ass thrown out of that shitty shit dump and then you tell me to put myself out of my misery?”

“Wait, I never said-”

“You did, and you didn’t care, and you think we’re freaks right? Me and Hansen and you think that chick’s an overachieving loser, and fine, think that, but don’t turn around and act all nice and pretend like you give a shit!” Connor threw his hands up in the air. “You know, I just don’t get it; just when I think you’re an actual person you turn back into this emotionless bitch!”

I didn’t hear the rest of his speech. I had had enough.

“Hey, don’t fucking walk away!”

I didn’t breathe a word. I just wanted to go home. It was strange though; even when I was far away and Connor’s ranting had ceased, even when I was inside my house and unpacking my things, I could still hear the insults.

“I’m home.”

Silence as usual; I dropped my bag to the floor of my room. It wasn’t technically a bedroom, but we had to make due with the space we had. I used to share a room and even a bed with my mom until a few months ago. Now she and Michelle shared, Aurelia got the room with a door, and I had the loft with a curtain hanging in the entrance for privacy. The skylight was nice.

I took off my socks and clothes in exchange for a oversized sweater; we didn’t turn on the heat until we absolutely had to. Water was the only utility paid for by the landlord.

_“Emotionless bitch…”_

I shut my eyes and let myself sink into the bed; I had never given much thought to what others thought of me outside of my mom and sisters. They didn’t matter.

School, classmates, teachers, even relatives. None of them were real to me.

 _“I go to school, I get good grades, I don’t cause trouble.”_ my head just began to pound lightly. _“So why is this happening to me? Why am I getting into this shit? Isn’t it enough...can’t I be done with it, the drama?”_

I suppose to me, the outside world wasn’t reality, at least, not all of the outside. High school? It was a thing I had to do, nothing more, nothing less. I had no problem talking to people; in truth, I found it easy as pie. I just didn’t do it for anything other than necessity.

Evan Hansen only wished he could talk to people as easily as I could. I wondered for a brief moment what his opinion on me was. Honestly, it came as a shock anyone at school had any opinions of me. I mean, I didn’t know anyone and nobody knew me. They knew the most basic of information you could get from being in the same grade with a person for years but without actually interacting with them. Name, age, maybe what food they liked. I never thought anyone needed to know more. Why would they? It didn’t have anything to do with them.

_“No, it’s my fault. This is what I get for being decent. I know how it works. You show people a little kindness and they think they have an advantage over you. Dammit, I know better. I never should have…”_

My mom was proof of that. Living, breathing proof what a helpful, generous, empathetic mindset would get you. I don’t know if she’s even happy. Maybe she is, sometimes.

Why couldn’t I learn from her example? One of the most decent people one could meet and what happened? She got screwed over at every turn; even now she was screwing herself over from being true to her nature.

 _“She had every right to let him suffer and die in a ditch, but she won’t.”_ I felt my nails dig into my palms. _“He did everything you can to hurt someone and she still won’t let him rot, even after all these years and what did it ever get her?”_

There was no point in trying to reason with my mom; I knew part of it was she could remember my dad when he wasn’t a broken down deadbeat or a monster. He was also our father. It was her decision to continue to help him with food or money or shelter.

And me. Maybe she only told me about his relapse, but that still didn’t stop me from doing his laundry or packing him food or kissing his cheek goodbye. Aurelia barely had anything to do with him; Michelle was in her own little world.

Why couldn’t I stop? Why couldn’t I just stop and let people handle themselves? Let people trip and drop their crap, let them miss a meal, let them sit alone or awkwardly try to find a place to go when no one else wanted to be within ten feet of them.

It wasn’t my problem. When would I ever learn? No wonder people had a bad impression of me. Maybe I was bipolar; my dad is. Maybe it’s genetic. I wasn’t sure.

_“But I don’t care what they think. Connor, Evan, Alana, my teachers, those girls from gym...no one.”_

Why should what they think hurt me? I already knew all my faults and failings and shame. What could they possibly say or do to me that hasn’t been done? That I haven’t done to myself?

Maybe that wasn’t why I was feeling weird.

I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t mad or upset or even insulted. Part of me was even agreeing with the asshole. I didn’t feel much of anything most days.

I just felt tired.

I knew the kind of person I could be. I wasn’t like Connor or Evan. I was, dare I say, shockingly well adjusted for someone in my shoes. I didn’t do drugs or pick fights or have panic attacks. I was able bodied and functioning and psychologically sound. I chose to not talk. I chose to not care. I deliberately made it so I was isolated because being alone was so easy.

Everyone seems to talk about how hard it is to be alone; to not have anyone to hang out with or turn to for help. How scary it is. I just never got it; I spent my whole life doing all those things alone. I didn’t even go to my family for anything.

I just couldn’t understand that sort of pain. How could you miss someone you never knew? How could I feel bad about being friendless when I never knew anything else?

I didn’t want to make anyone cry or rage at me. All I wanted was some peace.

All I wanted was to forget and go through my days in a mind numbing routine. Was it boring? Sure, but it was calm. It was stable.

It was wonderful.

But then I had to screw it up by getting involved. Why did I give Connor that gum? Why did I let Evan sit with me? Why did I not tell Alana to shut the fuck up and hit the road right when she came up to the table?

But that was a lie. I knew why.

I knew life was hard and scary and unfair and how much it could just _hurt_. I knew, so how could I do it to another person? How could I, when I knew?

My dad smacked me for taking one of his donuts when I was four and proceeded to lecture me about lying and stealing; I only took the donut because I was starving, and that was because he couldn’t be bothered to feed me in his state. It was funny really, but in a way that stings just a tiny bit, even years later.

I told him my mom said it was okay to eat and he beat her later that night; he would have done so anyway of course. In truth, he probably forgot the whole incident by the time she came home and was hitting her for a whole other reason. And the next day while she was at work, he turned on me anyway.

To this day, I still felt sick at what I coward I was, even though I knew my mom would have never blamed me, she didn’t even know he was hurting us too. I knew a toddler was allowed to be terrified of getting hit and kicked and have things thrown at them by someone three times their size. I knew it wasn’t my fault, but it felt like it was, and that was enough.

The sick irony and humor in every painful incident never ceased to escape me. I knew what life could be like. It was full of people who couldn’t care less, cops who didn’t protect you and parents who didn’t care if you were crying from hunger and neighbors who looked the other way.

But because of that, I knew an act, one act of the smallest sort of kindness or consideration could mean everything. It could be someone’s salvation and the person would never even know.

And it could also be the other person’s downfall. It could just lead to more heartbreak and pain if you gave your kindness to the wrong person. I knew that too.

So why?

Why couldn’t I just pick one? Be an emotionless bitch or…

Or what? What was the other option?

_"Fuck it. I'm too tired for this."_

I fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

“I want a cookieeee.”

The youngest of the three siblings I was watching had the biggest dimples when he smiled; good thing I was immune.

“No.”

“I want a cookieeeeee.”

He put his hands together; his older sister gave me a look. She was nine going on eighteen; if her weren’t for her younger brothers being too rowdy to handle on her own, she could have stayed home alone no problem. As it were, I was at home watching over them while my mom and my older sister were at the hospital for my dad who had tried to commit suicide that morning by overdosing on heroin.

“Juan, where is your sandwich?”

His smile fell and he pointed reluctantly to the table where a half eaten sub laid on a paper plate. I always used paper plates and cups when the kids came over; helped with the impending mess.

“Mhm. Are you hungry enough to eat a cookie?”

Juan nodded quickly, apparently not able to see where the conversation was going.

“If you’re hungry enough for cookies, you can finish that sandwich.” I told him slowly. “Kim, translate for me sweetie?”

“Juan, Mindy said, ‘si tienes hambre suficiente para comer una galleta puedes comer un sandwich’.

Juan deflated down on the couch with a sulk. “Cookie…”

“No. Yeah, you understand that word.” I said as Juan sunk further into the cushion.

The kids spoke mainly spanish; Kim could speak english pretty well, but the other two only knew so much. It was too bad really; my mom’s folks spoke spanish, but they never taught my mom, so I never learned. My mom told me they had said they didn’t want white people to take advantage of her if they thought she couldn’t speak english perfectly. They would also scold her for not talking to her cousins at family get togethers; she didn’t talk to them because they sucked. And she couldn’t speak spanish.

“Mindy, Mindy, look at this!”

“Hold on sweetie.” I was finishing texting my mom; my dad was alive.

“Look at this, it’s so cool!” the second child, Danny, had hopped up from his chair to point at the movie. “It’s so funny!”

“Sweetie, I know, I saw this before you were born.” But I looked anyway. “Wow, this movie has a lot more cursing than I remembered....”

“They don’t understand.” Kim told me as she played a game on her tablet; I had actually slipped up many times in front of the children, though they never repeated it. They were good kids, even if the two boys made me feel twenty years older every Saturday.

I felt thirty years older this time.

I woke up to my mom crying and panicking in the living room; my dad had stayed over for a couple of days. He was lonely, but he never really talked to us much, just watched TV and eat our food. That morning he was lying on the couch looking for all intents and purposes like he was in a deep sleep.

My mom yelled at me to help her get him down off the couch and onto the floor; I dropped his head unceremoniously. It was an accident; I was too dazed to take advantage of the situation.

Aurelia had run into the room and started CPR on my dad; he was breathing again by the time my mom was through calling an ambulance. Michelle was still fast asleep in her room thankfully; I made her her eggs and toast while the paramedics came to take my dad away. My mom was crying and whimpering while Aurelia’s own eyes looked red and her breathing shallow.

“Mindy, can we ride our bikes?”

“No sweetie, it’s too wet out from the rain. Besides, your daddy will be here any time now.”

Kim nodded. “Can I have a cookie?”

“Sure. You won’t get hopped up on the sugar.”

Juan was still sitting on the couch glumly.

“Juan, you can have a popsicle. They’re sugar free.”

He smiled.

“After you finish your sandwich.”

“Okay…” he gave me a thumbs up with the biggest grin. He really was adorable; he’d probably get away with murder.

After their dad came to pick them up, I started thinking of death. My dad was alive; this wasn’t actually the first time he had tried this.

If he died, it would be better for everyone. There was nothing good that came from him being alive; his presence was simply more of a burden on everyone around him, particularly us. We had nothing to gain from him being in our lives.

 _“What a sad life.”_ I began cleaning up the used plates and cups. _“I wonder if he realizes it too. In that case, it makes sense he’d want to die.”_

I didn’t feel too bad for him. I loved my dad as much as I loved my mom and sisters; he had his good points, they just didn’t do any good for us.

My dad had a hard life, but I didn’t feel too bad. I mean, I turned out okay. I didn’t abuse the people who loved me. I didn’t out drugs and myself over them. I didn’t lie at therapy and refuse to get better and push the blame on others for my misery.

 _“Well, he is crazy. Can’t forget that.”_ I reminded myself; chronic crack did bad things to an already unstable mind. My dad’s brain was fried; some days he couldn’t even remember the simplest things or he got mad and lashed out for no reason at all. So partially, the way he was was not completely his doing; he just made it worse for himself.

The dishes were clean, but the table still had bits of paper and crayons; I swept the remains into a trash can we used for recycling and dropped the crayons in a baggie to put away for next Saturday. I stood in the middle of the living room for a moment; my dad had been lying the middle of the very spot just a few hours ago and all I could think about was the long list chores I still had to do, what to feed Michelle for lunch, and where I should hide the money i got from babysitting. He didn’t live with us anymore, but I never did trust my dad with money, even when he was clean for those few years. What would it take to get him sober?

It wasn’t as if this would stop him. Nearly killing yourself? I doubt he would even mention it; later I would go visit him in the hospital with my mom and bring McDonald’s so he wouldn’t have to eat hospital food and I would ask if he was okay. He would complain about any pain and I would tune it out as I promised to walk his dog for him until he got back.

But for now, I had other things to do. Just because he almost died and was struggling through his misery, didn’t mean the dishes would do themselves.

 _“Connor’s right about me after all, at least in a way.”_ I swept what little dust and crumbs were covering the tile floor of the kitchen even though it had already been swept twice today.

Did I feel bad for him? Of course. But would it change anything? My tears had never moved him. Begging, crying, pleading, screaming, it didn’t do anything. Why would it work now? It would just make my nose stuffy.

As I walked barefoot down the driveway to dump a full trash bag into the bin, I thought more on death in general. When I was still a kid, I only had a vague idea of what death was. In my mind, death was what happened when you got hurt or sick so badly, you had to go to sleep forever, except you never woke up and your brain shut down, like you were being turned off.

I would remember wanting to die and thinking of it this way; after all, it didn’t sound so bad at all.

Why couldn’t we all just die, me and my sisters and my mom? ‘We wouldn’t have to get hurt any more,’ my ignorant mind surmised; we could just go to sleep and forget everything. My mom wouldn’t have to come home to a golf club in her face. Aurelia wouldn’t have to hold back her screams as she huddled in a corner. Michelle wouldn’t have to be frustrated trying to figure out how she was supposed to function in a world that must have seemed so strange to her.

I wouldn’t have to fight anymore to live another day and to try to hold myself together for their sakes. I could let go and get all the sleep I wanted. I would never feel hungry or scared or even numb. It was the perfect plan! Nothing, just nothing at all! I was so astounded why no one else in my family thought of it; maybe they didn’t know about death.

Of course, things are different now. By the time I was eight I had realized what exactly death was.

Or maybe I did have the right idea. Maybe it really was like just falling asleep but then not existing; it sounded scarier that way, but then, there was a time I didn’t exist, so could it really be so bad?

But like I said, things were different now. We ran away from him and things began changing so slowly but so quickly. We ended up at a homeless shelter for women and children in our positions; they were kind enough to set us up temporarily in a motel and then when my mom was able to go back to work and borrow some money, we found an apartment in a slightly better neighborhood. That was when I was five or six.

When my dad had nowhere else to go and no way to provide for himself, my mom allowed him to live with us until we moved to this nice little neighborhood the start of my freshman year. He wasn’t violent in those years at least, even if he did do just about everything else to make things harder. It wasn’t until later my mom found out he hurt us too; she asked why we never said anything. Aurelia said he threatened us. I couldn’t remember that. I was too dumb to realize anything was even wrong. All I knew was that when my mom came home, he would leave us alone; maybe I was so happy to see she didn’t leave us with him it never crossed my mind to complain.

All those years felt so unreal; looking back, I wondered if maybe it was all just a dream. It seemed to go by so slowly, yet so quickly. And yet here I was, cleaning the kitchen without fear of someone throwing a pan at my head or smashing a fist through the wall in a drug induced rage.

Sometime, I even wondered if I had imagined it. After all, I was so normal now. I didn’t have my mom’s stress or panic attacks or my sister’s anxiety and anger. I didn’t even have nightmares. I wasn’t even angry about the past; it was over and what was the point getting mad now? My dad hated himself already once his mind was a little clearer; he didn’t even remember half the things he did to us. Maybe if he did, he would try that much harder to kill himself.

More than anything, I just wished he would keep a respectable distance; visit now and then, maybe see him for a couple minutes while I help him with an errand, and no more. I guess it wasn’t a good relationship, but in the state he was in, it was the closest thing to what I could stand.

“I wonder if he’ll have to stay with us. Shit….oh well. It can’t be helped now.” I sighed and went back to wiping down the counters. It was somewhat irritating to have to remember; even if I was able to forgive, I just couldn’t forget, no matter how much I would have liked to.

“Well, no point in overthinking it.” I sighed deeply, still muttering while I began wiping down the microwave and the stains on it’s roof. Maybe I couldn’t talk to anyone else, but I could at least talk to nobody.  “What’s done is done. All we can do now is try to move on and be as happy as we can be…whatever that is….”

“Who are you talking to?” Michelle came out of her room, still clad in the same pajamas she had worn for three years.

“Just myself Michelle.” I said simply knowing she wouldn’t question it. “You hungry? We still have stuff for sandwiches.”

“I’ll make lunch later.”

“Okay. Stay out of the kitchen then until I finish cleaning up.” I sort of wanted to be alone and I wasn’t in the mood to hear her repeat questions or have her get mad if she started talking and I was too tired to listen.

“Okay.” Michelle walked back to her room. Next time I was at the store I’d see if there were any bottles of lotion or shampoo or something on clearance. She liked to collect them, even if she already had three or four bottles and containers of the same thing; she’d put them in rows and she hated to have them in disarray. Everything had to be in the place she put it. I don’t think she used her money for anything else. My mom gave her at least twenty whenever Michelle was mailed her SSI check. She could spend it on whatever she wanted and the rest went to help pay for rent or her special camp or summer school or tuition.

_“Michelle, you’re lucky about one thing. As long as we’re alive, you’ll always have someone to take care of you.”_

I hoped i outlived her so I wouldn’t have to worry on my deathbed what would become of her when I was no longer around. I wondered how sad she’d be; I don’t think she would miss us too much. She didn’t have the empathy to love us that much and chances are even if she was sad when we died, she would go on as long as she had someone to care for her. I thought of how dogs grieve for their owners but then would find happy homes with new ones, but it made my stomach churn a bit. Michelle wasn’t a dog.

_“Well, there was that barking phase…”_

I threw out the used sponge; the scratchy back had been worn down for a while now. Next time I went for a walk I’d stop by the store and get more.

 _“She’s only a year younger than me….there’s a chance we’ll all be dead before her….”_ I ran a hand through my hair with a grimace. I had to find a way to get off this subject.

“Stop being so morbid you dumbass.” I scolded myself as I scrubbed the stove top; my words sounded so loud in the empty room. It was weird, so I spoke more quietly. “It’s not time to worry yet. Deal with it when the time comes, not now.”

I almost wished I did have homework so I could keep myself busy; I couldn’t afford to be in la-la land at a time like this. My mom would probably be stressed and would need to talk to me when she got home. Aurelia might just go with Travis somewhere. I thanked god for Travis. She needed to get out of here. Maybe it’d help her anxiety, at least a little.

 _“There’s no way I can die now.”_ I smiled a bit when the washer beeped and signaled the clothes were done. _“How would that help anyone? I’ll have all the time in the world to sleep when I’m dead.”_

I felt a buzzing in my pocket; I tossed the heap of wet clothes into the dryer and turned the dial before picking up. It was my mom.

“Hey sweetie, how are the kids?”

“They were fine, left an hour ago.” I told her while I closed the laundry closet door; the machines were too damn loud. “How’s dad?”

“He;s fine. And hungry.” my mom said wryly. “Sorry you had to see that.”

“It’s okay. How’s Aurelia? Does she know it was because…?” I didn’t want to finish the sentence in case y sister was in the same room as my mom. We still hadn’t told her about our dad’s renewed problem.

“She knows it was because an overdose, but he swore up and down to her it was the only time in years and it was only to kill himself. She already got picked up by Travis.” my mom cursed under her breath. “Your father owes her; I’m shocked she even helped him.”

We both laughed; Aurelia used to keep a knife under his pillow in case he ever got violent again.

“Yeah, but I dropped him.”

“He’s lucky you only did that much. It was an accident right?”

I laughed again. “Yeah, his head was so fat, it just slipped out.”

My mom let out a whoop of laughter that was sure to get her funny looks at the hospital. “Well, I;m on my way to the store. Do we need anything at the house?”

“Soap, milk, and oil.” I listed off.

“Any toilet paper left?”

“Yeah, got it yesterday.”

“Thank you Mindy. I’m sorry you have to put up with this.”

I smiled softly. “No problem ma.”

“I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“Nah, it’s okay, you were stressed. It’s not every day Santa Claus ODs on our couch.”

She laughed louder; it made me happy to make her laugh.

“I love you, I’ll be home soon.”

“Love you too.”

I felt a bit better; moments like these were the best. I could almost forget at time like this.

_“Wait.”_

I held my phone in a limp grip. _“If that’s really how I feel...why is it easier for me to push people away when they try to connect with me? Don’t I want to feel this way more? When I make other people happy, it makes me happy too, so why…?”_

I fell down on the couch and stared at my phone. _“No...it’s not the same though. I’m just too tired. I don’t know if it’d even be worth it…”_

It all went back to a puzzle; I liked being nice. I liked to help people because I knew how great it felt to have someone truly be kind to me as well. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Why couldn’t I just be a good person who didn’t have to get involved with people to a certain extent?

_“But no….they don’t know me. They don’t care about me, they don’t have any reason to, so why would it concern them if I kept my distance?”_

Evan wasn’t my friend; he could barely speak to me. He almost seemed scared of me in an odd way. Alana was just a girl who’s face I recognized; we didn’t know anything about each other, so why for that brief second did she look wounded when I told her to stop talking? How could someone hurt your feelings when you didn’t have any feelings for them or their perception of you? And Connor, he didn’t even like me; he thought I was a bitch.

 _“But, why was he so….? Why did he look at me like that? Why does he care if I act a certain way when we’re not even friends?”_ I shook my head and frowned. _“This is why it’s better to stick to myself; everything is already so overwhelming. Every day already feels like a week. I don’t need more people confusing me or making things difficult.”_

“Hey sweetie.” my mom came through the front door with six full grocery bags in one hand.

“Oh mom, do you need help?” I got up to take three.

“No, they’re light. Dad is okay, he’s sleeping.” my mom sighed and hefted the bag onto the table to unpack them. “Are you okay? You must be tired from those kids and this morning.”

“Nah, I’m good. Hey ma?”

“What?”

I turned away to the wooden shelf where we stacked all canned foods. “I was thinking, why do people get hurt when people they don’t know aren’t nice to them?”

My mom looked preoccupied but she was listening. “What makes you ask?”

“Kim was a bit bugged because some girls at her school were ignoring her. But, she doesn’t know them and they don’t want to be friends with her, so I figure…”

“You shouldn’t get upset if people don’t like you. You can’t please everyone.” my mom said absently as she bundled up the plastic bags and stuffed them in the closet to use for our small trash cans. “I don’t know.”

“Eh, I just don’t get it.” i said carelessly. “I mean, if you don’t know someone, you don’t have a reason to feel bad if they don’t want to have anything to do with you. If I was in her place, i wouldn’t care.” I neglected to say I didn’t care about making friends with anyone.

“Well, you were born forty.” my mom half joked; she was searching through her purse for her phone now while I shuffled items in the freezer to make room for more frozen dinners. “I don’t know Mindy. It’s just how some people feel.”

I frowned. “Yeah. Oh, thanks for getting me more TV dinners.”

“I’m your mom you don’t have to thank me for feeding you.” she sounded a little bitter; maybe she was also thinking about how not all parents had the same vein of reasoning. “I’m going to take a shower. Did Michelle eat?”

“She said she’s not hungry now.”

‘Mindy?”

“Yeah?”

My mom looked at me for a moment. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

I nodded with an easy smile. “Yeah, don’t worry ma.”

“Okay. Tell her I bought more eggs.”

“Kay.”

And just like that, the tragedy that began in the morning was settled and most likely wouldn’t be dwelled on. Actually, a more pressing thought was making me unsettled.

 _“I guess that’s true….I mean, just because it doesn’t bother me…..doesn’t mean it’s the same for_ _other people.”_ I frowned deeply. _“I’m so dumb."_

It seemed so simple and yet it completely went over my head. After all, humans were complicated. Not everyone felt the same way; the proof was right there in front of me. Aurelia herself had completely different view points concerning our situation. If I could accept that so easily, why was it so difficult for me to understand the same concept in others? What else was wrong with me?

_“I never wanted to think about it...I never gave them a second thought….”_

But why was it all coming to me now? Why did it have to happen after all these years? What had changed?

I slowly made my way up to my loft and sat down on the bed; everything looked so hazy suddenly. I couldn’t believe it. In the span of a day, my world was once more thrown out of whack and once again, there was nothing to do but deal with it. The only thing was, how to do it? It was almost funny.

_“He...really was right about me...a better person would have thought about it that way sooner…”_

In that case, maybe it really was a good thing I kept to myself.


	6. Chapter 6

Zoe didn’t flinch as she heard the front door slam shut from her bedroom; she turned up the music louder on her computer and connected her headphones to block out any other noises from downstairs.

“Connor!” Cynthia was sitting down in the kitchen with a glass of wine and a plate of barely touched pasta; she almost knocked over her chair from rising to walk over to her son. “Where have you been? It’s late, and it’s getting darker out-”

“Mom, I was just out for a walk. Didn’t you say I should get exercise to “relax”?” Connor told her.

“But-”

“Connor, your mother was getting ready to call the police!” Larry rose from the table, flinging his napkin down in frustration. “How about you think before you go running off who knows where?”

“Larry, please, he just got home, we should-”

“No. We gave him a curfew and he said he’d follow it.”

“It was only once since we set it.” Cynthia tried to reason; she turned to Connor, her body sagging and her mouth set in worry. “Connor, do you have a good reason for being out so late?”

“I-”

“What reason could he have? We got him that cell phone to be able to contact us and in case he forgot, it has a clock.” Larry said more to Connor this time. “There’s no excuse for worrying your mother again.”

“I was just a little late!”

“It’s over an hour!”

“Will you two settle down?! Can’t we discipline our child without yelling? I was reading-”

“Cynthia, if we don’t put our foot down-”

Connor’s face was growing redder but he tried to take deep breaths. “Look, I’m sorry I broke the stupid curfew, I was distracted.”

“Distracted or high?”

“Larry!”

“No, look at him.” Larry gestured in disbelief. “A walk? How many times have we heard that one?”

“We can’t just judge based on past actions.”

“Oh please.”

“I can’t even do one thing wrong without you bringing up every time I’ve ever screwed up! So what, you just think I’m a liar?!”

“Connor, no, we just-” Cynthia’s chin trembled; Connor wasn’t even looking at her. “We were worried. You’ve been doing so well.”

“Well? I don’t know how well he’s doing if he can’t even manage to follow one rule.” Larry said scathingly.

“I just forgot!”

“Would a phone call have been too much? You couldn’t take a second on your way home to send a, a text or something? You have no trouble texting your junkie friends at the dinner table.”

“Larry, stop it, that has nothing to do with this!”

“Whatever.” Connor stalked past them. “Like you haven’t been waiting for me to screw up…”

“What was that?” Larry walked forward but Cynthia pulled his arm.

“Larry, just let him clear his head.”

“No, what was that?!”

“You heard me, you’re just waiting for me to screw up! Well, I did. Are you happy?”

“You listen here-!”

“What, so you can nag at me some more for breaking the stupid fucking curfew!? I was outside, I came back, can we just end it?”

“Connor, don’t walk away from us, we need to sit down and actually talk, not scream at each other.” Cynthia pleaded.

“Talk, scream, Cynthia, he’s not listening either way.”

“You won’t even give me a chance to explain anything!” Connor accused. “The second I got inside you’ve been giving me shit!”

Cynthia’s pleas fell on deaf ears and she felt her chest constrict as Connor ran up the stairs, each step coming down like a hammer as he cursed under his breath all the way to his room; Larry stood there, hands on his hips and looking lost.

“Larry, he had a point.”

“Cynthia-”

“Would you listen to me? I know it’s going to take a long time to rebuild trust, but it’s like you refuse to believe he can improve.”

“It’s not like that at all.”

“Is it? He’s been following curfew and yes, he should have given us a call, but you could have been at least a little more understanding.”

“So what, he suddenly starts acting a little more decent the last two months and we’re just supposed to forget everything that’s happened? How do we know he wasn’t out there scoring...rock or whatever.”

“Larry,” Cynthia sighed. “I’m not saying it isn’t a possibility, but it’s not fair to assume that now.”

“And by the way, he hasn’t been a complete angel; I don’t know if you forgot, but in the beginning of the school year he got a detention on the second day for threatening to punch our daughter and busting some girl’s locker. And why? Because he was angry? I swear, we need to get that kid on meds-”

“That kid?” Cynthia’s tone was cold. “He is your son and he needs to know you don’t think he’s some punk off the street.”

“I never said-”

“You don’t have to. God Larry, instead of burying your head in the damn office, why don’t you take a few seconds to talk to him without going on the offensive? Do you think I’m enjoying this, how he talks to all of us? I don’t.”

Larry felt his hands fall limp to his sides; he met his wife’s gaze. She looked exhausted.

“I know...but he’s always on the defensive. That isn’t normal. We could talk to him as civilly as possible and he’d still get mad.”

“We’re the parents. We should at least set a better example. If we lose our tempers, what kind of message is that sending to him? What about Zoey? Don’t you think she’s tired of hearing you two getting into shouting matches? It doesn’t matter who started it; we have to take our share of the responsibility. God knows I’ve screwed him up enough on my own-”

Cynthia’s voice cracked; she covered her face in her hands and took a shaky breath to calm herself.

“This isn’t your fault. It’s not my fault. I don’t know why he’s like this!” Larry shook his head. “But you’re right...I know you’re right.”

“No...what have I been doing? I never put my foot down, I went off when I should have stayed home and talked to him…”

“You need your own time.”

“And he needs his parents. I should have…”

Larry watched as Cynthia wiped her face with the backs of her hands.

“Cynthia, I’ll go talk to him.”

She looked up at her husband, her eyes glistening and mouth slightly agape. “Larry, are you sure? You can’t yell, you have to stay calm-”

“I know. If things get too heated, I'll stop myself...if he really doesn’t want to listen or talk, I’ll let him cool off and I’ll try later.” Larry promised her; he put a hand on each of her shoulders and kissed her on the top of her hair. “But do me a favor?”

‘What?”

“Pour me a drink for when I’m done?”

Cynthia let out a weak laugh. “Can do.”

They hugged briefly and parted; Larry let out a deep breath and out his hands in his pockets. “I’m tired of this...not even knowing why he’s like this.”

“I am too.”

“Wish me luck.”

“Luck.”

A loud bang came from upstairs; Larry sighed once more, knowing the drywall most likely had a hole the size of a fist. A bright light was coming from where his son’s room was located and Larry took this as a sign he wasn’t not welcome to at least step in the doorway.

“Connor?”

His son was sitting on the edge of his bed; Larry’s eyes landed on his reddened fist and sure enough, the wall on the opposite side had a gaping hole.

“So...long day huh?”

Connor didn’t look up. “If you’ve come here to give me more shit, I said I was sorry. And I’ll fix the hole.”

“Son, last time you tried to use super glue and a white cloth. But, maybe this weekend I can help you patch it up.”

“You?”

Larry ignored the comment. “I don’t want to talk about the wall right now. I want to talk about you...about what’s going on.”

“I was late one night.”

“That’s not the point.” Larry said more forcefully. “Look, in one night, a person can get run over by a car because some idiot didn’t turn on his headlights. In one night, you could get mugged or kidnapped or I don’t know-”

“Dad, seriously? Here?”

“Don’t underestimate suburban living.” Larry said wryly; he thought maybe Connor’s scowl faltered at the quip. Or he could have imagined it. “I’m going to ask you a couple questions. I’d like you to answer them honestly.”

“I wasn’t lying-”

“I wasn’t saying you were. You’re right. I jumped on you. I’m sorry.”

Connor’s fists uncurled. “What do you want to know?”

“Why were you out so late? And where were you?”

“...I really was just going for a walk. I was near the forest trail, where that Walgreens is.”

Larry looked unnerved. “Did you go under the bridge? Someone killed a cat down there.”

“No dad.” Connor sighed in exasperation. “I was just on the trail.”

“Why were you there?”

“Sacrificing deer.”  
Larry  leaned against the doorway with an expectant look.

“Walking dad. I was just walking…”

“People aren’t suppose to go on the trail this late.”

“I stayed right up until that time; the rest of the walk was just getting here. I tried to stay away from the road ‘cause all the drunks are driving Saturday night.”

Larry ran a hand over his face; Connor still wasn’t looking at him, seemingly fascinated by his dirt caked boots.

_“Huh. Those weren’t dirty earlier...I guess he was telling the truth.”_

“Are we done here?”

“Not quite. Can I come in?”

“Huh?”

“To sit?”

Connor shrugged and Larry sat down on the front edge of the bed facing the door; he wouldn’t force his son to look him in the eye, it would just make him all the more closed off.

_“When did we get like this? Walking on eggshells constantly...he can barely talk to Zoey without an argument breaking out...me and Cynthia at each other’s throats when we should have been listening to each other…”_

Larry folded his hands in his lap. “Connor, I should have given you credit earlier. I’m happy you’ve been going by the curfew, especially on school nights. And I’m glad that despite the earlier incident, you’ve been going every day”

He decided not to add that his grades were barely improving; he knew it would cause a whole new fight.

“Okay.”

“And I hope you understand that even if it sucks, we’re not doing it because we know you don’t like it.”

“Yeah, I know, mom gave me a lecture on safety and rules and crap earlier.”

“Don’t call your mother’s lectures crap.”

Connor blew hair out of his eyes. “Dad, are we done?  
“No, I just want to know one more thing and if the answer isn’t some awful secret about you joining a cat skinning cult, I’ll even promise to not tell your mother if you’re uncomfortable with her hearing it.”

“And if I’m uncomfortable with you hearing it?”

“Well, it’s not necessary you tell me. It’d just give me some peace of mind.”

Connor thought for a moment as he rubbed his irritated knuckles. “What is it?”

“I know you think I don’t...notice things. I’ll fess up, I don’t always...I don’t notice a lot of things... but that’s not your fault.”

“Yeah it is.”

“Connor-”

“You don’t want to deal with me. None of you do. Why would you come home?”

Larry scratched his neck. “It wasn’t you Connor. It was everything. I’m at a loss most of the time and...I didn’t want to deal with that. I don’t like not knowing what’s going on with my kids, but…”

“It’s not like I wanted to talk to you about it.”

“That’s not true. Even if it was, I could have tried harder to ask, to do...something. I’m trying Connor, I am and if I did anything to make you feel like I didn’t care at all, that’s on me too. But you need to tell me. I’m still human. I need you to meet me in the middle, at least when it’s necessary.”

Connor said nothing and Larry took this as a good sign to continue.

“But back to the subject. I talked with your mom yesterday and she noticed something seemed wrong when you came home Friday.”

Normally Connor’s moods were routine, but the past weeks he had been coming home somewhat less surly and argumentative. Lately they could even get through dinner without him getting ready to flip the table. So when his son came home Friday and stormed straight into his room without so much as a look in Cynthia’s direction, skipped dinner, and basically locked himself inside until noon that day, Larry thought he should raise the alarm when he saw Connor next.

“It’s Friday. Most kids get burned out by then.”

“Yeah, but do those kids refuse their dinner and sleep at five in the afternoon?”

“I was really tired.”

“So, you spend the rest of the next day hiking?”

“Okay, if all you’re going to do is give me the third degree-!”

“Connor, humor me.” Larry ran his fingers through his thinning hair. “We’re worried. Give me something. I mean, if something did happen at school, at least let me know it wasn’t something we need to step in for? I didn’t want my dad involved in everything, but...if it’s nothing serious, you don’t have to-”

“I screwed up.”

“What?”

Connor jumped to his feet. “I screwed up, okay!? I screwed up and-and that’s it, I totally fucked up and for no fucking reason!”

Larry was about to interrupt to tell Connor to not yell swear words in the house, but the look on his son’s face stopped his reprimand. Honestly, he was pretty sure Connor wouldn’t have heard a word as he began sputtering trying to get all the words out to explain a jumbled up story about yelling at someone and a girl who gave him cookies and gum and something about trees and a club and a lunch table and someone named Hansen and then Larry was pretty sure he heard the phrases, ‘emotionless bitch’ and ‘autistic little sister’.

“Connor…?”

“So now, I just proved what an asshole I must have looked like-”

“Son-”

“I mean, I don’t even know what made me blow up like that, but why does she have to be so-so-ugh, she doesn’t even like gum, so it wasn’t a big deal!”

“Connor, I’m trying really hard to listen, but you’re not making any sense.” Larry said gently. “How about you sit down and take a breather? I do that to stop myself from punching my boss in the throat on bad days.”

There really was an almost smile this time, though Larry realized maybe that wasn’t the best example to use on a boy who used to regularly get into fist fights with little qualms.

_“Huh...okay, I think I see where I messed up first with him…”_

But Larry kept his mouth shut as Connor plopped down and ruffled his hair with a frustrated sigh.

“I said something really shitty to someone who didn’t deserve it...or maybe they did. I sort of feel like they did, but...maybe they didn’t. Christ, I don’t get why they’re so...” Connor huffed and picked at his arm. “There’s the thing that fucked me up right there; I don’t know anything.”

“Well...maybe next time you see them, and if they’re willing to hear you out, you can just talk and try to see where they’re coming from. It’d be better than making a mistake that drives them further away.”

“Yeah, and that’ll be easy.”

“It’s not. Trust me.”

Connor smiled blandly. “Yeah.”

Larry grunted and stood to his feet. “Well, I had all my questions answered.”

“Good…”

“Connor?”

“Huh?”

“You don’t have to...but if you want to talk about it more or if you want to keep me and your mother updated on the situation…”

“Yeah, I get it dad.”

“Good.” Larry felt a bit relieved; he was still a bit confused, but at least the conversation didn’t end with another hole in the wall. “And Connor?”

“What?”

“Try to keep the swears to a minimum. In a certain context I don’t mind too much, but your mother’s listening.”

“Right.” Connor nodded. “I’m going to sleep now.”

“Not hungry?”

“I got something from the convenience store.”

“It filled you up? Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Connor didn’t mention the food he purchased was actually just a few truffles but he decided it wasn’t a tidbit his dad needed to know at the time.

“Okay. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Larry lingered awkwardly at the door for a moment before giving his son a half wave and disappearing around the corner. True to his suspicion, Cynthia was waiting at the foot of the stairs.

“Larry?”

“We talked.”

She nodded. “And?”

“It...it actually went pretty well. I’m a little confused and it was a bit like pulling teeth, but it went okay.” Larry was just as surprised as Cynthia looked.

“And, you don’t think we have anything to worry about this time?”

“You don’t.”

Cynthia stiffened up as Connor came out from around the corner, hands stuffed in his pockets and eyes avoiding her guilty stare.

“Oh honey, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop! I didn’t even hear anything, I just…”

“I’ll try to get back sooner next time. If something comes up, I’ll text.”

“...thank you.” Cynthia nodded slowly, still feeling completely off guard.

Connor offered a half smile. “Yeah...night.”

“Night.”

Larry let out a relieved breath. “Well.”

Zoe unpaused her music after a few minutes of listening, but even with the video playing on the screen and the peaceful sounds of her parents muted conversation, she had a hard time paying attention.

_“He didn’t flip his shit…”_

Connor went to his computer and logged on with a yawn; truthfully he wasn’t feeling all that great. His parents thought he had slept til noon and he had tried to; the night before he only was able to get maybe a couple of hours of shut eye. Saturday was no better despite how quiet it was in his house with everyone gone.

At the moment he was preoccupied with scrolling down through his email and deleting ones he didn’t care about or didn’t need to answer.

“Fucking spam…” Connor deleted an email about his declined credit card; he never owned one. His parents would have never trusted him with one. The next one was from Friday afternoon from Evan; he was grateful that unlike real life, Evan’s emails weren’t rambling, sputtering messes. He could hardly stand to hold more than a few minutes of conversation with they guy, but then again, he didn’t exactly have all that much experience talking normally to people in general. Connor clicked the tab and the message appeared in black and white.

Subject: Halloween

Hey, Evan here.

So, I heard from Alana about the school having a “fall” dance, but it’s costumed themed. I’m sorry to bug you, but do you have any suggestions for food, drinks, music, etc.? Alana asked me to get info from anyone I knew about what they’d like for it since she’s on the planning committee. And you’re the only one I know really, so...yeah.

Connor began typing rapidly.

Subject: Halloween

Tell Alana I don’t give a shit. I’m not even going.

He was just debating whether to browse online for porn (hey, was it a shock?) or Youtube videos of people getting themselves hurt when the email notification popped up on the screen.

Subject: Halloween

Hey, Evan again. I can tell her you’re not interested, but do you mind if I revise the statement?

Connor snorted a bit; when he wasn’t having  a spazz attack, his sort of friend could actually get a chuckle from him.

Subject: Halloween

Sure, whatever. I heard those thing sucked the last three years we’ve been there. I’m sure they’re shooting for shitty fourth year.

And stop saying you’re emailing me. I’m not retarded, I know it’s you.

Another pop up not too long after the last.

Subject: Halloween

Sorry. It’s the last year we’ll be here. Maybe this year since we can offer suggestions it won’t suck as bad.

Connor wished he had the ability to roll his eyes over email.

Subject: Are you fucking kidding me?

…...are you fucking kidding me?

Subject: No

No…

Connor might have laughed.

Subject: Fine dipshit

If I find the energy to give half a shit, I’ll make a suggestion. Night Hansen, don’t re-break your arm falling out of bed.

Subject: Fine Halloween Grinch

Night, I’ll try my best.

Okay, the little thumbs up at the end actually did make him laugh.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Author’s Note: I like to change up POVs. Enjoy.**

A week later Cynthia Murphy frowned as she pulled out her purse and saw her coupon was expired.

“Oh shoot, I forgot it doesn't work today....” Cynthia muttered under her breath as she checked her coupon for a buy one get one free bags of candy sale. She wanted to stock up with Halloween just around the corner, but she also wanted to get extra bags of Connor’s favorite sour gummy worms as a treat. That morning he had actually agreed to go grocery shopping with her.

Of course, a little bribe of letting him pick out something just for him might have helped, but before if she had asked him to accompany her on her Sunday morning sale hunts he’d flat out refuse.

Cynthia supposed it was only natural; what eighteen year old boy wanted to go grocery shopping at seven in the morning with his mother? But she couldn’t pretend it didn’t hurt her feelings; sometime Connor seemed downright allergic to her presence.

It was all the more reason to get him a little surprise; maybe they still weren’t able to hold a conversation for very long, and maybe he was still withdrawn and moody, but this was something, right?

Cynthia pursed her lips at the expiration date printed in blocky black letters; the candy was affordable, but she had hoped to take advantage of her extensive coupon book and the sales that always seemed to fall on Sundays; not to mention since she was there so early, she would be able to get everything she wanted without rushing or hassle.

“Darn. Oh well.” Cynthia crumpled the little slip of paper and tossed it into her purse.

“Um, excuse me?”

A young girl was tapping on her shoulder; a coupon was being held out in her other hand.

“I don’t need this. Do you want it?”

Cythia took the coupon and smiled warmly. “Why thank you! I usually keep track of which coupons I have are expired, and my son loves this candy! Well, I think he does still.”

The girl nodded with a sheepish sort of smile. “No problem, no sense in having it go to waste.”

Cynthia nodded. “Don’t you just love these sales? But how old are you? Are you an early bird like me?”

The girl had just begun to walk away; she didn’t seem unwelcome to the conversation, but Cynthia got the distinct impression she was flustered. She personally loved to chat with strangers; besides, she felt a bit lonely with Connor going off on his own to look for something or other.

“I guess so.” the girl nodded as she wheeled her cart to the side to let people roll theirs past. “I try to take the earliest bus to get here when I can, the deals are really good…”

Cynthia peered into the cart. “Oh, looks like you’re doing some serious baking.”

The girls round cheeks flushed pink. “A little. My older sister is a lot better, she’s in school for a pastry degree.”

“Did you learn from her?”

“A little. My grandma loved baking, so I guess we sort of take after her.” the girl laughed quietly and fidgeted.

“Oh I just love when things like that get passed down. Your grandmother must love teaching you recipes.”

“Ah, no, she died before any of us were born.”

“Oh.” Cynthia felt embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”

“Nah, it’s fine. But I do like baking cakes and cookies and things…”

“What’s on today’;s menu?”

“Peanut butter kiss cookies.”

“Mm, that sounds great.” Cynthia knew the recipe, though as a consequence of trying to eat healthy, she didn’t do too much baking herself. “Perfect for Halloween.”

“Yeah.” the girl’s face lit up and she smiled enthusiastically.

Cynthia found the smile infectious. _“What a difference…”_

“Mom?!” Connor was walking up the aisle with a package of salami and cheese in his hand. “What the hell?”

“Connor,” Cynthia gave him a meaningful look. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t curse in front of strangers.”

“It’s okay ma’am.” the girl barely glanced in Connor’s direction.

Cynthia was confused. “Connor, is this a friend of yours?”

“She goes to my school.”

“Oh! Well it’s nice to meet you, I’m Connor’s mom-”

“I think she got that.”

“Connor.” Cynthia shot him another look as she shook the girl’s hand.

“Um , sorry, I should get going so I can catch my bus. Have a good one-”

“Oh wait a sec honey.” Cynthia stopped her. “How far do you live from here?”

“Ah, I live next to that library. It’s about an hour by bus I guess…” she looked like she was thinking hard. “It’s not very far I think.”

“Well, our house is on the way. Why don’t you check out with us and I give you a ride home? You were so sweet to give me your coupon, not to mention humor me.” Cynthia laughed. “I can be a bit of a chatterbox.”

Connor looked at his mother like she had just said something scandalous but she ignored him; the girl had looked away bashfully.

“You don’t have to do that, really-”

“I insist! You can tell me more about those cookies on the way. Besides, you’re Connor’s classmate.”

“We have one class together.” Saying he sat at the same table at lunch wasn't necessary; Mindy hadn't been to school the past week and so he and Evan and, for some godforsaken reason, Alana had it to themselves.

“Connor!”

“Ma’am, it’s fine really…”

“Honey can you give me a minute? I forgot I need to get a loaf of bread. Don’t go anywhere!” Cynthia’s strained smile dropped once she had Connor follow her into the next aisle. “What is the matter with you? Honestly, you act like I just invited Hitler to lunch.”

“Mom, it’s just awkward, besides, didn’t you always tell me not to pick up hitchhikers since it’s so dangerous?”

“Connor, I highly doubt that girl is going to stab me and drive off with the car.”

“Well-we...we don’t know that!”

“Connor, please, try to be nice. It’s fifteen minutes by car and that poor girl is going to have to lug all that stuff around and probably get dropped off a mile from her house.”

“Mom, it doesn’t work like that.”

“She’s coming along for the ride. Just try to be civil.”

Connor’s mouth was set in a frown, but he didn’t say anymore as Cynthia pushed her cart along next to Mindy’s and made small talk.

 _“This can’t be happening…”_ he was certain any second she would take it upon herself to tell his mom all about his outbursts. But as they waited in line and she tentatively spoke and smiled as his mother held up the majority of the conversation, Connor felt his anxiety fade if only slightly.

Mindy waited for Cynthia’s instructions of where to sit in the car and if it was okay to put her bags next to her and did she need gas money, she could give her some, she didn’t need to drive her-

“Honey, it’s no problem!” Cynthia laughed as Mindy buckled up; she curled up slightly as if to take up as little space as possible. A worrisome thought passed her mind; was this someone who had a bad view of her son. _“No, she’s been the same this whole time...actually she hasn’t even so much as said hi to Connor...is this normal?”_

“So, it’s Mindy?”

“Yes…thank you for driving me, you really didn’t have to...”

“Don’t be silly.” Cynthia smiled sympathetically as Mindy gave her a shy smile and looked down at her lap again. _“Why is she so nervous? She seems like a nice girl...damn, what Connor said earlier probably made her uncomfortable.”_

 _“_ Connor, get me a pack of those prosciutto sticks I bought. I need a snack.”

“Kay mom.” Connor avoided Mindy’s eyes as he reached in the back for their groceries; not that he really needed to. Mindy’s gaze was stuck on the outside scenery.

“They’re real pretty today aren’t they?” Cynthia was trying to get  Mindy to speak, but she just nodded quickly. Connor opened the pack for her and handed her a stick; he took one too, chewing it glumly as he faced the window.

“Honey, you want one?”

“Oh no, it’s fine-”

“Come on, have one, it’s already opened.” Cynthia handed her one just as she stopped at a red light.

Mindy took it and looked it over. “What is it?”

“She said what it was.”

“Connor.” Cynthia sighed and shook her head. “Mindy, it’s called prosciutto.”

“Oh.”

“Basically it’s dried ham and this kind is wrapped in mozzarella sticks. It’s a bit salty, but trust me, I’m sure you’ll love it. Plus, it’s good protein.”

Cynthia ignored Connor exasperated groan. “Just try it.”

“Okay, thank you.” Mindy took a bit and chewed carefully; suddenly her whole face lit up. “Oh wow, it’s good!”

“Right? I’m glad you like it.” Cynthia grinned at her from the rear view mirror; Mindy took careful bites out of the snack stick with flushed cheeks and a little half smile. _“She’s grocery shopping and and taking the buses alone, but now it’s like she’s a little kid….I never saw someone get so excited over a stick of ham….”_

Connor didn’t say a word as Mindy unpacked her groceries and shut the back door to the car; before she went inside, she took a moment to approach Cynthia’s open window.

“Thank you again, you really didn’t have to drive me...now i can get started on the cookies earlier.”

“It was no problem. Thank you for the coupon.”

Mindy just shrugged and scratched one of her pink cheeks.

“Have a good day honey, enjoy your day off!”

Mindy waved and scurried off inside her house; Cynthia pulled out of the driveway, checking her mirror as she backed out. Just before she turned the corner, she saw a man cross the street and knock on Mindy’s front door. With a frown, she came to a stop and looked closer.

“Mom?”

“Who is that? Is he trying to break in?”

The man was still standing outside; he was wearing cargo shorts and a stained tank top. Even from the distance Cynthia could see his numerous tattoos covering his arms and neck.

“Mom, not every guy with a tattoo is a criminal.” Connor said impatiently.

“He looks like a robber...oh wait, someone let him inside…”

“Mom, can we go now?”

“Okay Connor, geez.” Cynthia said lightly. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you; I know you don’t like school much, but she seemed perfectly nice.”

Cynthia bit her lip; all she got was stone cold silence.

“Connor…”

“Mom, I don’t want to talk.”

“That’s the problem...couldn’t you have at least told her goodbye?” Cynthia sighed softly. “Connor, I’m worried. Is that how you talk to everyone at your school? I mean, how are you going to make friends if-?”

“Mom, I get it, I don’t need you to tell me why everyone at school avoids me like the plague!”

“That wasn’t what I meant.”

“Well, it’s true, okay? It’s...” Connor’s voice tapered off and Cynthia felt her heart sink into her stomach. “Nevermind. It’s no big deal. I don’t care.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it.”

“Okay sweetie. I’m sorry if I was prying. I just want you to be happy.”

Connor chewed the inside of his cheek; he knew by now his mom’s eyes would be watery. “I know. Sorry I yelled.”

Cynthia wanted to ruffle his hair like she used to, but if she did it now, her son would probably think she was coddling him.

“Guess what that coupon was for?”

Connor smirked lightly. “A free ride to a possible serial killer?”

“No. Your favorite candy.”

“Those gummy worms?”

“Yep. The sour ones with the happy faces.”

“Oh yeah…” he had forgotten all about those.

“Remember you used to bite off their heads?”

Oh yeah, and I put them in Zoe’s cereal bowl and she thought they were real.”

Cynthia couldn’t help a chuckle. “And then you bought her gummy bears to make up for it.”

“Yeah and then she cut off the heads and put them in my bed with a note that said, ‘now we’re even’.”

Cynthia laughed harder and Connor found himself smiling a bit.

“You two were so cute, even when you were mad or upset...god, where does that time go?” Cynthia asked absently. “One minute you’re a teenager getting dragged around the store by your parents and the next you’re an adult and starting a conversation with one while you buy candy for trick-or-treaters….you know, she was a bit...off.”

Connor shrugged, his mouth suddenly full of prosciutto while his mother took a turn into their neighborhood.

“You’ve never talked to her before?”

“Not really.”

Cynthia bit her lip. “Oh.”

“ _Christ...she’s going to get all weird because I don’t talk to one girl? I mean, so what if I’m not friends with every asshole in school?”_

Connor snuck a glance at his mom; her forehead was creased with worried lines. He sighed and began helping her unpack the car.

“So, I was going to go to that Halloween thing at the school. You know, talk to kids my age and eat crappy chips and lean on the wall while people flail around like they have Parkinson’s disease?”

“Sweetie, don’t joke about that.” Cynthia couldn’t hold back from beaming at her son. “Do you need money to go?”

“No, I’ve got it covered.”

“Well, let me give you a ride-”

“Mom. Please. No.”

“Okay, okay, I know.” Cynthia rolled her eyes playfully as  she heaved a few bags into her arms; Connor opened the door for her and sighed.

“Thanks mom?”

“So...how about I make you a costume?”

“Mom.”

“Okay, can’t blame me for trying.”

In another neighborhood Mindy was trying to clean finish cleaning the dishes without dropping them from her trembling hands.

“I can’t believe him,” her mom was fuming; she had been sleeping in when her ex-husband had made an appearance. He had bypassed Mindy and took her aside; Jo could already see he was high and desperate enough to bother her while Mindy was up. She was grateful Michelle was still fast asleep despite how loud the sound was when he had punched a hole in her bedroom wall and stormed off, slamming the front door on his way out.

“I can.” Mindy kept her even tone while she got control of her pounding heart.

“I’m sorry Mindy. Thank you for getting groceries.” Jo said wearily as she gave her daughter a half hug around her shoulders. “Thank god Aurelia wasn’t here. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m making cookies later.” Mindy said calmly as a memory of being slung into a wall and cracking her skull against the hard cement made her vision grow hazy. She scrubbed a greasy skillet harder and bit her tongue.

Her father had punched the door that time as well before he left to sleep off his high in the living room while she sat huddled on the bed shivering and silently begging for her mom to be home soon.

She wondered if times like these made her mom remember things too.

“Are you hungry? I promised to get Michelle McDonald’s for breakfast.”

“I’m okay ma, I ate already.”

“Alright, I’m going to shower.”

“Okay, I’m done with dishes.” Mindy dried off her hands and threw the funny smelling dish towel in the washer to clean later. “I’m going to go for a walk.”

“Sure. Do you need money?”

“No, I’m just going to walk around.”

Jo came up to her and pressed a five dollar bill into her hand. “Get yourself a snack if you get hungry.”

“Okay, thanks ma.” Mindy pocketed the bill and went to put her shoes back on; she couldn’t stay there at the moment. She couldn’t even go to bed. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too ma.”

Mindy smiled ruefully as she made her way to the forest trail, barely paying attention to where she was going. She knew the way by heart by now.

 _"Out of the hospital and he hasn't learned a thing; can't say I'm surprised."_ she licked her lips, still tasting the new snack from not thirty minutes ago. Mindy wanted to laugh; the day had just begun and already she felt drained. _"Too bad...it was almost a nice morning."_


	8. Chapter 8

The official story was that I had been sick with a cold to explain why I was absent for a week; frankly, someone like me could get away with a long absences pretty easily. I was on top of the work and my record had no tardy mark downs and only a handful of absences to speak of; I was even able to complete all the missed homework within a day of being back to school and the teachers were generous enough to accept the work I turned in late from being ‘out sick’.

It was too easy actually; none of the teachers asked a single question and no one acted as if anything was out of the norm. it was like I had never even left.

I wish I could say that I spent the day seamlessly falling back into my usual routine, which was actually true. The problem was, my daily routine sucked now.

“And we’ve already taken survey for food allergies, none of the snacks or refreshments contain peanuts.” Alana was saying; she had cut me off on my way from getting a milk carton and was going over the details for the dance coming up. I stood there impatiently trying not to shove past her as she talked. If she had any hard feelings about me telling her off the week before, she didn’t show it.

“So, do you have any recommendations concerning food, music, decorations? We already have the costume rules planned out, nothing strapless, above the knee, guys can’t be shirtless or wear tights without underwear, you know, the usual. We want to make this dance something the whole student body can get into, so even if you’re not planning on going yourself or you’re unsure, we still want as much input as possible.”

“I’m going, but I don’t have any suggestions.” I answered shortly; apparently this wasn’t something Alana was ready to hear as her jaw practically dropped the the hem of her pleated skirt.

“You are? Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, pardon me, I’m a bit surprised, I didn’t peg you as the…”

I cut her off before she could say anything else. “I like dancing and Halloween, so I’m going.”

“Okay, great!” Alana chirped and took out her notebook once more as she got ready to ask more questions.

“ _She’s already talked to fifteen people here alone and lunch just started.”_ I thought wryly; before she could get some steam going, I cut her off as politely as I could.

“Alana, I have to give something to Connor.”

The shock on her face was more pronounced. “Oh. Okay. Well, if you have any suggestions, ideas, or questions, feel free to contact the committee, our email is on the school site.”

“Sure, thanks.” I made my way over to what used to be my table; Evan and Connor both looked up from their food as I approached. It was the first time I had ever looked at them directly.

“Connor, give these to your mom and tell her I said thanks for the ride. And I hope she likes ‘em.” I put a bag stuffed with peanut butter kiss cookies next to his lunch tray.

“You want to give my mom cookies?”

“Yeah.”

Connor’s blank expression turned to a skeptical smirk. “Okay, what was that earlier by the way? All that blushing and the shy attitude? Is that what you do to suck up?”

I felt my stare harden. “Your mom is very nice. I wanted to thank her for being so nice. Will you give her the cookies or not?”

Evan was the one to speak up next. “What, uh, did you guys hang out during the weekend?”

“No.”

“Hell no.” I added. “Long story short, his mom gave me a lift.” I paused and regarded Connor for a moment. “But you’re right, I must have seemed off. I get awkward when I care about making a good impression; if your mom was concerned by that, tell her I’m sorry and that it wasn’t intentional.”

“And your apology for annoying me?” Connor said sarcastically.

I shrugged. “Sorry.”

Evan looked back and forth between us with a worried frown. Connor just stared, looking unsure what to even say or if he should retort.

“Well, that’s it.” I said with another shrug. “Hope she likes them.”

“Where-?”

I pretended not to hear and kept walking; I wanted to get out without the security guards noticing by blending in with the crowd of kids coming in from their ended classes. I went to the stairwell, making sure to stuff my milk into my bag as I walked past the first level of the school and down to the basement.

The only thing the basement was used for was a shop class and where maintenance kept all their equipment. There was actually an elevator that led to the lowest level, and while it was supposed to be just for employees to transport things that could be carried up and down stairs, most of the faculty and students who needed to get their just used it anyway instead of the stairs. Since there was no windows or ventilation, the area was stuffy and musty and no one really wanted to go there for anything unless the elevator was broken. I settled myself in the middle of the staircase, pulling out my squashed lunch and milk along with my english textbook. I breathed a sigh of relief; this could work.

At least until I heard the door to the first level open and shut with a bang that echoed off the walls. I stayed sitting, trying to act natural and hoping it was someone who couldn’t care less where I decided to eat lunch.

“Mindy? Fancy meeting you here.”

“Oh Mr. Miller.” I blinked and almost dropped my milk. “I…”

“Romeo and Juliet huh?” he looked over my shoulder. “Boy, that takes me back.” he grimaced. “I was never much for Shakespeare. How are you liking it?”

“It’s, um, good. I like it almost as much as A Midnight Summer’s Dream….”

Mr. Miller didn’t look shocked or particularly angry at his discovery, but his smile grew a bit more serious as he sat down next to me.

“So, dumb question, but if you wanted to study during lunch, why not go get a pass for the library?”

Students could ask teachers beforehand for slips to get permission to go straight to the library before or during lunch to catch up on work or to even just check out a book. This did in fact cross my mind, but it wasn’t the best option.

“I know...I just wanted to go someplace where no one else was around. Even the library can get pretty loud. This place was the best since there’s no distractions here.” This wasn’t a lie.

Mr. Miller scratched his chin. “I compliment your determination to study, but the fact remains, this is against the rules. And I think a smart girl like you already knew that.”

I nodded. “I know...I’m sorry, I was going to clean up after myself, I wasn’t trying to cause trouble.”

“Mindy, you don’t have to look so worried. I know you’re not a trouble maker. Heck, I wasn’t this mature until my second year of college. So, now correct me if I’m wrong, but is there something else I should know before I decide what action to take?”

This was the closest I ever came to talking about the things I never spoke aloud to another person.

But I didn’t do it. Part of me wished I did, but if the wrong thing slipped out, then that could cause trouble for my family. Michelle, who was still underage, could be involved and get taken away and I’d be damned if I let them take her from me to put her with strangers. It was selfish really; I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I lost one of the few people who relied on me. Hadn’t I caused enough trouble already?

Still, I appreciated Mr. Miller’s intentions.

“No, but thank you. Should I get back to the cafeteria now?”

“Mindy, while we’re here, would you mind if I asked you a few questions?”

_“Aw shit…”_

“Sure, what about?” The one good thing about developing a numbness to shocking news or unexpected situations was gaining a great poker face.

“Well, I noticed during group activities you don’t speak up much. Now, normally I tend to have to bring this up with students who have anxiety issues or are just shy by nature, but you don’t strike me as someone who has trouble speaking. From what I’ve observed, you’re pretty articulate and have excellent intrapersonal skills.”

“What?”

“Oh, it means you’re able to understand yourself very well, you’re good at introspecting. But that being said, you seem to have a hard time communicating to others anyway.”

“I don’t mean to. I never was a big talker. Am I not participating in class enough?”

“No, you are. It’s just, I was concerned….Mindy, excuse me for asking, but are you friends with any of your classmates?”

Where was this coming from?

“No.”

“No?” Mr. Miller seemed taken aback by how easily I said it. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh no, I don’t really care. I mean, i don’t dislike anyone, but I never really felt the need to make friends.” I laughed. “I know it sounds weird. Honestly, there’s just no one I’ve met who has made me interested enough to be their friend.”

“I see…”

Uh-oh. That was never good.

“What about dating? I’m sure at your age-”

“Oh no. It’s never come up, but I think it’d be a bit hard to do that.”

“Why would you say that?”

Crap. “It’s just...well, I know this may sound like I’m looking too far ahead, but the thing is, if I ever did get into a relationship, I can see there already being some issues.”

“Can I ask why?”

“ _Is he a sociology teacher or a counselor?_ ” I decided to just be straightforward; Mr. Miller struck me as a guy who could tell if I was dancing around a subject. “Well, my sister has autism, and it’s made it hard for her to function or even live on her own. The thing is, when my mom dies at some point, she’ll be living with me and I’ll be appointed her legal guardian. Not many guys would want to get serious with someone who has that kind of baggage. Plus, Michelle would have to like them; if they were mean to her or couldn’t stand to deal with her at all, I just couldn’t see it working.”

Mr. Miller seemed to take in my explanation. 

“That is….wow, that’s a lot to deal with.”

“It’s okay. I’ve always helped out with her, so it was never something that seemed unnatural. To be honest…” I found myself laughing for real this time. “There’s been a few times where she called me ‘mom’ by accident. Can’t tell you how old it made me feel.”

“It makes sense. You’re taking a lot of responsibility for her and you’re not even an adult yet.”

“I guess. But she’s my sister and she wants to live with me; it’s not something we’ve had to consider thankfully, but how could I send her away knowing she doesn’t want to leave her home?”

“That would be sad.”

I took a sip of my milk. “Mr. Miller, do you think there’s something wrong with me? I don’t mean to sound defensive, but I figure you wouldn’t be asking me this stuff if you thought I was perfectly okay…”

Mr. Miller gave me a half smile. “I’m no professional, but from what I can tell, there’s not anything wrong with you. In truth, I was more confused than anything else.”

“What do you mean?”

“I hope you don’t take offense, but I feel like I just got done talking to someone my age or older. You’re well spoken and very responsible. That can be a good thing, but still, I hope you’re not biting off more than you can chew.”

The way he said it made my throat tight, but I controlled myself.

“It’s a lot, but she’s my family and I love her...it can get hard and some days when she gets difficult or throws a tantrum, I feel really stressed, but it’s something I can handle. I’d regret it a hundred times more if I couldn’t be there for her. In my mind, there is no other choice, because how could I live with doing anything else?”

When I turned to look up at Mr. Miller, he still didn’t seem quite at ease.

“Mr. Miller?”

“Mindy, can you promise me something?”

I blinked. “Uh, sure.”

“If things do get too tough, talk to me. You can visit my office or set up an appointment with a counselor here. Just, if there’s ever a time where things are just too much, we want students to know they can be heard. Sometimes the best thing is to just listen to someone.”

“Huh.”

“Hm?”

I shrugged. "I mean, I’d rather not bug anyone when I could just handle stuff on my own you know?”

He seemed to consider this. “Mindy, have you read chapter eight yet?”

“Oh, not yet.”

“Well, I’ll give you a sneak preview. You see, the author of this book actually conducted a few studies of his own. One took place in a college with over a hundred volunteers.”

“Okay…”

“You see, they were all told to go to their loved ones, parents, siblings, friends, partners, etc. and tell them about how they had gone through some sort of trial or a hard period of time in their lives in the past. Something the other person was not aware of until the time the subjects spoke up.”

I nodded to show I understood, but I wasn’t quite sure where he was going with this.  
“You see, after the volunteers reported back there was a noticeable if only somewhat varied response to the fake stories. Most of the people they told felt betrayed, hurt, angry, upset, and like they weren’t nearly as close to the subject as they had previously believed.”

“I see…”

“I guess what I’m trying to get at is that maybe you think when you’re doing someone a favor, it really isn’t. Think of Michelle.”

“What about her?”

“Well, if someone here was picking on her, would you want her to tell you?”

“Of course!”

“What if the situation was already handled by a teacher?”

“Well, no, I mean I’m her sister, shouldn’t I know?”

“Why?”

“Why?” I was getting borderline indignant. “I care about her, I mean, why wouldn’t I want to know?”

I watched as Mr. Miller stared back at me plainly; I wanted to say something, but words failed me.

“Well, I should be leaving now. Got to get started for next period.” Mr. Miller stood up with a groan and stretched. “Ugh, I’m getting old.”

“Mr. Miller, should I go back to the cafeteria now?” I looked at my watch; there was only ten minutes left before next period.

“Tell you what, you can just stay here until the end; there’s no use going back now, it’d take you about that much time to walk there and get settled.” Mr. Miller cracked his neck. “Next time try the library and tell them if students are being too loud.”

“Okay.” I beamed up at him. “Thanks for understanding,”

“Of course. See you tomorrow!”

I waved and was able to keep my smile up for about a few seconds after he left.

 _“So, that’s how it is?”_ I stuffed my bag and the empty carton into it. _“All this time…”_

**_“Even when you’re not talking to people you mess things up.”_ **

_“I just...I thought it would be easier for everyone. It made sense…”_

**_“Yeah, for you. You know mom worries. How many times have you brushed her off? You know she’d want to know how you’re feeling.”_ **

_**"** But she has so much to worry about already, I just wanted to help!”_

**_“And your dad? No wonder he tried to kill himself; you barely have anything to do with him.”_ **

_“But I can’t! If I got any closer, I’d just get hurt...I’d just hate him. I don’t want that to happen.”_

I felt a sob catch in my throat and I slapped two hands over my mouth.

**_“You think you’re helping anyone? You’re just insensitive. All those people who just were trying to be nice...you don’t even know how to talk to someone normally.”_ **

_“I do, I just get flustered, I can-”_

**_“And what about all those times other kids just wanted to know you and you gave them the cold shoulder?”_ **

_"I was just tired! I can’t do it...there’s too much, I just thought it’d be easier for everyone...they don’t know me, what does it matter?”_

**_“To a normal person it would matter. You can figure out taxes and cook and take the bus and fight for yourself, but what does it matter when you can’t even understand basic consideration? Maybe it is a good thing no one is close to you. An emotionless bitch like you wouldn’t make much.”_ **

The tears came out like a dam had been broken; they fell down my face and onto the floor as I hung my head; my chest felt like something had sucked all the contents out.

_“I’m sorry...I never meant to hurt anyone...I would never want that for anyone else, never.”_

**_“Well, you did. Your mom is in the dark, your dad thinks you hate him, your older sister can’t even stand to be home and you just ignored it all for your own convenience.”_ **

_“No…”_

I curled in on myself as the bell rang; the tears just wouldn’t stop.

**_“You screw things up even when you don’t do anything. What good are you?”_ **

My mind was buzzing and beginning to throb.

_“I didn’t mean to…”_

**_“That’s no excuse.”_ **

_“I didn’t mean for it to be this way. I don’t know how else...I just wanted to live as well as I could.”_

**_“Oh and then you ended up making your teacher worried and bugged him. Even hiding like a coward in a stairwell still wasn’t enough to keep you from bothering people. There’s nothing good you can do for anyone.”_ **

**I** felt the tears stop as soon as they came; the headache was gone too, but I still felt like a shriveled up husk. I sat there for a minute staring at the wall blankly.

_“If that’s how it is...what else can I do? No matter what I do, it just doesn’t seem to be enough...no matter how long it’s been I can’t forget the things I’ve seen. I just wanted to move forward and all it did was make things worse....there had to be something I can do...”_

**_“There is one thing...you said you were tired right?”_ **

I felt my skin get goosebumps even though not a gust of wind could blown in.

**_“Then do it. Go to sleep.”_ **

I grit my teeth and clenched my fists to fight back the tears; enough was enough.

**_“Fuck you…”_ **

_“Hey, you’re not doing anyone any favors living.”_

**_“I’m not going to make it better by dying.”_** I imagined the horror of finding someone I loved dead, someone just not existing. Someone just being gone forever. **_“If not for me, I can’t do that to mom and Michelle and Aurelia.”_**

_“You made things harder.”_

**_“I’m sorry if I hurt someone...but disappearing won’t make it up. I’ll just be gone. I don’t want that. I just wanted to live...I prayed things would change and they are...I can’t stop now, not when-”_ **

_“When what?”_

**_“When there’s hope for me.”_ **

_“You don’t know that there is. It could all be for nothing…”_

**_“And if I off myself now, I never will know.”_ ** I felt tears well up in my eyes and wiped them off with a half smile as the ugly distortion of my thoughts began to fade.  Did I feel better? No. Less guilty, less undeserving? Nope. Did I just lose certainty about the way I had been living my life for years? My mind was still half in a haze from the revelation. And more than anything, I was scared.

**_“I know one thing. I’d rather take my chances living.”_ **

_“Okay. You still seem pretty tired.”_

**_“I’ll have time to sleep when I’m dead.”_ **

And so, I began walking upstairs, smoothing down my hair and hoping my eyes weren’t too red. I didn’t look at people much, so it’d be easy to hide.

 _“ **Okay**...okay. I had my breakdown. Oh geez…”_ I felt even more tired, drained really, but it was a good sort of drained, like I had extracted poison from my blood. And for a moment, it was like there was someone else injecting it. _“I’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.”_

With my shaky resolve, I was just about to push the bar to open the door to the first level, but before I could even skim the cool metal, the door was open and Connor Murphy was standing in front of me with a cigarette in one hand.

_“Goddammit.....”_


	9. Chapter 9

I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live.

I wanted to make dinner for my family when I got home from school. I wanted to go for my walks and lose myself in the familiar sights and in the lyrics of my music. I wanted to eat Halloween Oreo cookies and go to the dance. I wanted to dance and wear my costume and remember the first time my mom took me and my sisters out trick or treating, even if it ended with my dad ruining yet another holiday with his drug induced anger.

I even wanted to see him again. I wanted to move forward; I had spent so much time being scared and broken down until I wasn’t even sure whether I was actually alive anymore. I wanted to leave that dark place and forget the screaming. I wanted to go on and find something better. There just had to be something better and I didn’t want to hide from it anymore.

Hell, I even wanted to go to school and listen to Romeo and Juliet being fumbled through by my classmates. I wanted to get out of that dank stairwell, wipe my face, and go on with my day.

But bumping into the kid who hated me for no discernible reason with a lit cigarette in his hand admittedly did make me want to disappear somewhere else.

“You look like hell.”

I let out the breath I was holding and smiled lamely. “Thanks. Excuse me.”

Connor moved to the side to go down a few steps; he raised the cigarette to his lips and inhaled and exhaled the smoke with ease. I had never smoked before and I wasn’t particularly fond of the scent.

“What?” he said after taking another hit.

“You probably have heard this a shit ton of times, but I hope you don’t get sick from those.”

Connor flicked some ash off the tip of the cigarette with an almost suspicious look. “Why didn’t you tell my mom about earlier?”

“About what?”

“About how I punched your locker.”

“That was two months ago.”

Connor paused and lowered his hand. “So what, you’re not mad about it?”

“No.”

“And what about last Friday?”

“No.”

“Okay…”

“Are you still mad?”

“I wasn’t mad.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You weren’t mad when you stopped me on my way home to scream at me for five minutes?”

He walked down a few more steps and sat there with a scowl. “At least I can get mad.”

“You don’t say?” I leaned into the wall; any energy I had a few minutes ago was steadily being drained. “Look, whatever I did to make you….you know.”

“What?”

I gulped and decided to take my chances; the conversation was already being had. No point in backing out now.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did to piss you off. In either case, you were right about me.” I confessed. “I’ll make sure not to bother you in the future.”

“You’re doing it again.”

I blinked; the cigarette was hanging from his fingers and he was staring downward. “Doing what?”

“I yelled at you and fucked up your locker. Are you a robot? Get mad, yell at me back. Don’t just walk away.”

“But I wasn’t mad. I can’t act on feelings that aren’t there.” I told him simply.

“Well, there’s your problem.”

“No offense, but I don’t know how I feel about you lecturing me on emotional health.” I took two steps forward and sat down on the step just above him; I was still debating on whether I should even be there. Maybe I was intruding on his smoking time.

Connor tucked his hair behind one ear and sighed deeply. “You don’t get it.”

“Then level with me here. Like, that thing about how I said to put yourself out of your misery...when did I ever say that?”

“When you were telling me to drop out, get a GED, and then I could put myself out of my misery.”

I felt my blood run a bit cold. “I meant then you wouldn’t have to go to high school anymore. You didn’t really think…”

“...oh.” Connor looked over his shoulder at me briefly. “I guess I looked to much into it.”

“Seriously?” I felt my hands start to tremble and I hugged my knees to keep them still. “Connor, what the heck made you think I would tell you to kill yourself? Is...is that the kind of person people think I am?”

“No, I...dammit!” Connor flung his cigarette to the ground. “Look, it was my bad, okay?”

“I’d never want that. That’s sick.” I told him as I tried to keep my voice under a certain volume. “I mean, god, what kind of monster do you think-?”

“I said I _didn’t_ think that! Will you shut up and let me explain?!”

As soon as the words left his mouth, Connor ran his hands over his face and began taking deep breaths to calm himself; I had to say, being around him like this was a bit scary. I had no idea what he was thinking.

“You don’t make sense.”

“How?”

Connor ran a hand through his hair, making the tangles that much worse. “You act like you’re this cold person-”

“I never meant-”

“Hey, shut up and let me finish! You always come off like that, but then you...you said….”

I was getting more confused by the second. “What did I say?”

“You said...no, it’s more like...you’re not even my friend. You’re not friends with me and I never did anything nice for you, but you still…” it was like there was cotton in his mouth. “The lunch and the, uh, gum, lending me change for my snacks.”

I kept quiet and waited in case he wasn’t done stumbling over whatever point he was trying to make; it was like coming into contact with Evan was infecting Connor’s ability to communicate. Not that it was ever particularly good. Still, he didn’t sound exactly mad anymore.

“You do these things, like letting people sit with you even if you don’t want anything to do with them. You give strangers coupons and talk to your sister like she’s your kid. It doesn’t make sense. You’re...you’re so nice....”

My eyes shot over to the side of the wall and I felt my cheeks grow hot.

“I mean, I might be decent, but I’m not like, that nice…”

“Yeah, but-shit.” Connor was searching his pockets now with an irritated scowl.

“What?”

“Out of cigarettes.”

“Good.”

He gave me an odd sort of smile. “See?”

“See what?” I chanced a look in his direction, but once I did, he was looking away while his hands fidgeted restlessly, one foot tapping continuously to a uneven tempo.

“You’re fucking weird. Why do you give a shit whether I don’t have lunch or smoke?”

“I…” I stopped to think it over. “I don’t know. I just do. Why wouldn’t I?”

“So what, you just worry about any assholes health?”

“Well, I guess. I don’t want anyone to get sick or go hungry. I’m not that heartless.”

“That’s what I mean.” Connor let out a sort of clipped chuckle as he ran a hand through his hair. “Anyone huh? Yeah, I already guessed that much…”

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” he said dismissively. “So...sorry. About earlier.”

“It’s…”

Connor let his gaze meet mine finally.

I scooted down the last step to sit right next to him. “It’s not okay what you did. But I’m not mad over it; if anything, I was just confused….I wanted to understand why you felt that way, why you got so pissed...but now you’re telling me you think I’m nice?”

“Yeah.”

I waited; the sounds of students footsteps overhead and the bell were long gone. Besides the blood pumping in my ears, the only other noise was the sounds of the radiator and the pipes above us.

“Well, if that’s how you think, then you got a funny way of showing it.”

“Sorry I’m not a master of spewing bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit. I’m glad.” I told him slowly.

“Why don’t you talk like this all the time? I never thought talking to you would be so...easy.”

“I never thought letting people talk to me would be so easy.” I shrugged. “It’s...a long story...but I always thought it’d be easier. I guess I missed out on some stuff. It’s a weird thing to realize you might have been doing the wrong thing when you thought you were doing the right thing.”

“I wouldn’t know.” Connor smirked humorlessly. “I always do the wrong thing. What were you doing down here?”

“Figuring out some things. I just needed to be alone...but I guess that might be my problem…” I said uncertainly.

“...your eyes are kind of red.”

“Yeah.”

“Why did the duck cross the road?”

I frowned. “Did you just say the duck?”

“Will you just fucking ask why?”

“Okay why?”

“To prove he wasn’t a chicken.”

“.....”

“....”

“Oh my god dude, that was fucking adorable.”

Connor yanked up the hood of his sweater and turned away while my laughter echoed up and down the stairs. I stopped laughing long enough to speak again.

“Hey, I got one, what do you call a dog with no legs?”

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter, he won’t come to you.”

After a silent moment, Connor pulled back the hood to give me a blank stare. “Okay, that was just fucked up.”

“What? Hey, it’s better than the one I got about the orphans.”

“I think I’ll pass.” Connor said with a soft chuckle.

I felt something warm when he smiled; it was like a glow. He glowed, for just an instant.

“Well, this is something new.” I felt my stomach churn slightly. “Hey, Connor, I better get going. Actually, I already missed half of class.”

“Whoops.” Connor was firmly planted where he sat.

“I take it you’re cutting?”

“I’m taking a break.”

“Right. You know, you could always wait after classes. Then you wouldn’t have to sneak around.”

“After class?” Connor repeated dryly.

“Sure, then you could take all the time you want to get throat cancer and then you could do something else, like see a movie. It’s what I’m doing. Minus the cancer.”

“Today?”

“Well, you won’t get it in a matter of days, but chronic use-”

“No asshole, the movie.”

I nodded. “I got tickets from this lady whose kids I watch. I’m gonna see that new horror remake.”

“It’s not new if it’s been done.”

“Okay smartass.” I gave him a half smile and stood up. “It’s a better plan than what you’re doing.”

“Prove it.” Connor turned around suddenly and hopped to his feet.

I stood my ground. “Okay, I will if you don’t believe me. I was going to just see three movies on separate days…” I fished the tickets from my bags smallest pocket; the mother had given me three in all, supposedly assuming I had people to go see the movies with.

“Alone? That’s stupid. You could just stay home and rent it.” Connor took one from my hand.

“Hey, just ‘cause I’m not social, doesn’t mean I don’t go out.”

“Whatever.”

“Hey, do you have Evan with you in any classes?”

Connor nodded warily. “Yeah, last period in gym.”

“Ask him if he wants to go too. We have three, might as well make the most of it.”

“I think he’s busy.”

“You sure?”

“...look, Hansen’s kind of a wimp. If he gets scared, I’m not holding his hand.”

“I’ll sit between you two. If things get real bad and he can’t stay in the theater, I’ll take responsibility.”

“Huh?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ll take him for an ice cream or some shit while you finish the movie.”

Connor crossed his arms. “Okay, and if I want ice cream?”

“Oh my fucking god-will you just ask him first? We’ll work out details later.” I started walking up the stairs. “Meet me outside the entrance when you guys get done.”

“Fine, but if this movie sucks you owe me a pack of cigarettes.”

“I am not buying you cigarettes.”

“Fine. Ice cream.”

I sighed. “Alright, alright. Try to not get detention before then, huh?”

Connor flipped me off as I left but didn’t make a step to leave himself. Maybe that was a good thing, because internally I was in shock.

“ _I just invited two nutjobs out to the movies and possibly ice cream...what the fuck.”_

It had all happened so fast, I could still hardly believe what came out of my mouth. Was it a side effect of guilt for giving them the cold shoulder? Was it due to my raised spirits that I made a blind leap?

I was still in shock after getting a disapproving look and tardy slip from my teacher.

_“My first tardy. Well.”_

And then it hit me.

_“I’ve never gone out with friends before…”_

I had never spoken to a kid my age for that long unless it was involuntarily.

_“It’s the smoke fumes...they must have been laced with pot or some shit…”_

It must have been why I felt like smiling as I thought about calling my mom to tell her I couldn’t come home to make dinner because I made plans.

  
  
  


**Third POV:**

“Shit…”

Connor meanwhile was sitting on the stairs reluctantly breathing in the musty air; he took a deep breath and counted to five each time before he exhaled.

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t deal with this.

_“This won’t work…”_

He grabbed onto his hair and tried to block out what felt like bile rising in his mouth; he already knew what would happen. Mindy would probably back out. She would run off and leave him standing out at the entrance like an idiot.

_“She wasn’t serious, it was probably just a fucking joke. Ask the freaks out for a movie, yeah, sure, get a big fucking laugh.”_

Connor tightened his grip and shook his head side to side; he didn’t want to have these thought snow.

“I need a cigarette. Dammit, why did I forget my pack?! This is stupid, it’s all stupid, she’s just fucking with me.”

It was all so pointless. It was all laid out in front of him, and for a moment, he had forgotten.

Mindy had been in the same grade with him for years; she knew what he was like. He didn’t know why she was all of a sudden interested in hanging out.

_“She looked like she was crying. She’s probably just looking for something to distract herself, someone more pathetic than her to boost her own-”_

Connor closed his eyes tight trying to block it out.

_“Even if it isn’t true, it’ll end the same way. She’ll want to leave as soon as we get there. Or she’ll ignore me and try to talk to Hansen to avoid having to speak to me. I bet this is revenge for yelling at her...it’s all a set up!”_

He was being stupid; why had he even initiated the conversation? Why did he say...he forgot the stupid line he said.

_“It’s not true. It’s bullshit.”_

He knew she’d be like the others. This was a fluke, a mistake.

Connor stayed there on that step for the rest of the school day; he was itching to go get the cigarettes in his locker, but he didn’t want to risk running into her. It occurred to him that he’d eventually have to face her again.

_“So what? She won’t care. She never cared, she probably just felt sorry for me. Well fuck her. I’m getting out of here, I don’t care what she thinks.”_

Connor heard the final bell ring and checked his phone; he’d wait five minutes and go upstairs and slip the tickets back into Mindy’s locker. He would take the back way out, avoid her completely, and if she had any complaints, oh well.

He would just get on with his original plan; find his cigarettes, lit up under the bridge, go home, and if his parents weren’t there 9or even if they were) he’d sneak into the bathroom medicine cabinet to sneak a couple pills from each bottle. Hopefully they didn’t hide the codeine. If he was really lucky, he could find his mother’s sleeping pills. He was thankful that he at least had a few ounces of weed hidden in the back of his own closet.

Connor shook off the pang of guilt as he speed walked through the field to get to the forest preserve parking lot. His parents had recently stopped putting locks on the medicine cabinets in a gesture of good faith for his improving behavior.

_“I need them now...just one more time, I’ll stop tomorrow.”_

“Connor!”

 _“Shit...shit!”_ he didn’t turn around, just kept walking. _“She’ll get the message, just keep walking-”_

“Hey asshole, slow down, I’m fat, I can’t run!”

Connor almost dropped the cigarette he was about to light as he saw Mindy zooming over to him across the football field. He was too surprised to run himself, though he certainly felt the impulse; in another minute Mindy was bent double and panting like she had run a marathon.

“Oh my god...don’t...just, just give me sec, I’m not good with the running…” she wheezed.

“What’re you doing here?”

“I saw you taking off.” Mindy rpose up slightly despite still being winded. “What the hell Connor? If you didn’t want to go, at least say so and give me the tickets back so I can go.”

“You-fuck you!” Connor turned around sharply. “I put them in your locker, have fun.”

“Wait!”

He stopped; she sounded like almost desperate.

“Did something happen?” Mindy began, her voice more steady now that she could breathe. “You look sick.”

“I’m fine.”

Mindy’s arms hung at her sides and she stared at the back of his head. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No.”

“Well...what is it then? Why did you ditch me?”

“I didn’t ditch you, I just…”

“Left without any explanation? What the hell is going on? For someone who got so pissed about me being confusing, you’re not making things all that clear either.”

“You don’t want to go with me.”

Mindy felt her anger fade in that one sentence.

“You felt sorry for me right? Or it’s a dumb prank for getting mad at you earlier, or-”

“I invited Evan too.”

“So?”

“Well, if I felt sorry for you or wanted to pull a prank, why would I invite Evan?”

Connor didn’t say anything. Mindy walked took a few steps forward.

“Hey, can we sit on the bleachers? I’m still half dead from chasing you.” Mindy thought for a moment. “You can smoke there without anyone seeing.”

“Fine…” Connor sounded tired and defeated; they walked over to the benches and Mindy led Connor to the highest level. The wind blew a sharp chill through the air and made the dead leaves shake and fall to the ground and litter the field. Sitting in the cold wasn’t ideal, but it couldn’t be helped. Mindy sat back and stretched her legs; Connor sat a foot away from her and struggled to light his cigarette with what gas was left in his disposable lighter. He was shaking.

“Okay...I’m going to take a wild guess and assume I’m the last person you want to talk to right now.”

Connor didn’t make a sound.

“I’m not going to force you to tell me what’s wrong. I don’t think I could.” Mindy almost smiled. “But, I’d like to know. I was looking forward to hanging out...I thought maybe you were too. But if you’re having second thoughts, I won’t hold it against you.”

Connor gave up trying to start a flame as gusts of wind kept blowing out his attempts; Mindy decided he was listening and continued.

“I don’t blame you. I probably wouldn’t make the best friend. I miss cues and I’m...I guess emotionally numbed to an extent….I can’t give good advice or score you cigarettes and booze or cut class with you. I can’t do much at all really.” Mindy rested her chin on her knees and took in the wide trimmed field to have something to focus on. “All i can do is shut up and try not to make things worse. So...sorry if I made you feel pressured to come with.”

Connor lowered his own head and sighed heavily; his hair covered his face and tangled up the harder the wind blew.  
“Don’t fucking apologize. It’s not your fault I tried to bail.”

“Alright...then can you do me a favor?”

“...what?”

“I was honest with you back there. Now be honest with me.” Mindy said carefully. “Why didn’t you just tell me you changed your mind?”

“I don’t know.”

“Connor-”

“I don’t know okay?! I don’t, it was like one minute I was fine and then I had time to think and I realized I was probably all wrong.”

“Wrong?”

“You.”

Mindy’s brow furrowed and she looked at him squarely. “Me?” she pointed to herself incredulously; it would have been funny in another situation.

“....I thought you were...I thought things might be different this year.” Connor laughed and continued with a mocking tone. “Yeah, it’d all be different. Maybe I’d get clean and take deep breaths and my family wouldn’t hate me anymore for ruining their lives and maybe everyone would stop thinking I was that junkie freak. I thought maybe I could get through it without thinking of…”

Mindy fought back tears; if he saw her upset, he might just walk away.

“Of ending it.” Connor's face grew oddly blank and he began speaking as if to himself. “I was going to the first day. I don’t know how I’d pull it off. Maybe go home when they were gone and get some pills. If you take too many, you pass out and...well that’s it.” he laughed again.

“What happened that day?” Mindy asked softly; if she was too loud, maybe he’d snap out of whatever state was making him able to talk about it. _“Oh god...no wonder he got so upset when…shit…”_

The wind had died down but she felt her skin tighten around her as she held in a violent shiver. Connor didn’t seem to notice.

“I was going to leave before first period. I’d sneak out with the crowd of kids coming in and go home and check if my parents cars were in the driveway.”

“I...I don’t know what to say. Were you going to…?”

“No.” Connor said a little too quickly for Mindy’s nerves. “It’s just, when you talked to me that day,” he gulped and raised his head up to peer over at her. He had to see it, the face she would make when she knew. “I guess I thought things might get better. It’s stupid, but it was something...I guess I was hoping for some excuse not to do it.”

“You shouldn’t have to have an excuse.”

Connor glared at her suddenly. “And before I say more, I swear to fucking god if you laugh I’ll-”

“Connor, this isn’t fucking funny.”

“...okay. When you talked to me, I thought maybe it was, I don’t fuckin’ know...a sign. Like a good omen. I was just thinking about how no one in this place would give a shit if I disappeared one day. Who cares? They don’t have to look at that loser freak anymore. My family wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore either.”

Connor grabbed his legs and ducked down so his hair would fall and hide his expression. “I thought maybe we’d get to know each other. I wanted to know….to see if you’d be that nice all the time.”

Mindy was still puzzled. “But, why? I didn’t do anything.”

“You did.”

Mindy shook her head. “Connor….can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“My dad tried to kill himself last week.”

“What? Are you kidding me?”

Mindy sighed. “Yeah, he tried to OD on heroin again. And you want to know something? I wasn’t that sad. At this point, it’d be better if he was dead. We wouldn’t have to deal with him and he wouldn’t have to suffer. But that made me sad, because he’s too far gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. He won’t get clean, he won’t go to therapy, he won‘t change. And now he’s almost completely insane from the drugs and all these other mental disorders he doesn’t think he has. Realistically speaking, the only way for him to stop being in pain is to kill himself.”

“Are you fucking serious? If you’re just making this up-!” Connor stopped talking when he saw her shaking shoulders.

“It’s awful to watch people you love kill themselves everyday...I don’t know if he’ll try to do it again. Not everyone can be saved or get better. They want to have to. And the world won’t stop or care when he dies or if he doesn’t get his act together. I guess he thought drugs were the only thing he could rely on but they’re what made him turn into a monster. My dad never had a chance. That’s something I’ll just have to accept.”

Mindy smiled weakly at Connor who hadn’t uttered another sound.

“Connor, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that much more hopeless, if I made you think that I’d ever be okay with that. I never even thought you’d-”

“How would you?” Connor cut her off. “Don’t be sorry...how the hell would you know?”

“But I hope you don’t. At least not before I prove going to the movies is funner than smoking.”

Connor looked away as Mindy grinned at him. “Are you still on that shit?”

“Well, not tonight. The school door’s locked, can’t get my tickets…” Mindy scratched her chin. “But you had a good point earlier.”

“About what?” Connor tried to sound calm; why was she talking like this? He had just told he he was planning to kill himself. But she was just acting like everything was normal, like he wasn’t a freak who needed to be put away in a straight jacket. What was she up to? What, no frantic panicking, no running off, no calling someone to take him away? Actually, he didn’t know who you called about this sort of thing, but it couldn’t be anyone good.

“Hold on, let me call my mom real quick before we make any plans.”

“What?! No!”

“Hey ma, sorry, I wanted to ask you something.” Mindy ignored him and pressed the phone closer to her ear. “One of the guys I sit with at lunch is having a hard time. Would it be alright if he came over to watch a movie with me? His name’s Connor, he’s right here with me if you want to talk to him.”

Connor looked at her like he was going to smack the phone from her hand as she held it out to him.  
“Here, ma wants to talk to you. It’s on speaker.”

Connor leaned in, not finding the strength to hold the phone himself.

“Hi Connor, I’m Mindy’s mom! I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, i didn’t even know Mindy had friends.”

“Um, thanks. Sorry, I…”

“Would your parents be okay with you coming over? I feel weird not talking to them first.”

“Sorry mom, I know it’s short notice-”

“No, it’s okay sweetie I know you’re busy. Connor, do you mind giving me your mom’s number or your dad’s? I want to make sure they’re okay with it too first.”

He somehow remembered his mom’s cell phone and told it to Mindy’s mom slowly so she could write it down.

“Okay. Mindy, I’ll call you when I hear back. Connor, maybe you should let your mom know too, she’d probably want to hear it from you.”

“Okay. Thanks…”

“Bye sweetie, love you, I’ll text to let you know.”

“Bye ma, love you too, thanks again!” Mindy hung up and smiled. “Okay, now just text your mom; we can get walking while we wait.

“You don’t have to-” Connor stopped and tried to find the right words. “If you think I’m going to do something, l'm not.”

“I figure, but I don’t feel right leaving you alone right now. Besides, I still want to see a movie.” Mindy told him. “I was thinking horror. Oh, have you seen Rush Hour?”

“Uh no.”

“Holy shit, you’ve got to see it! Jackie Chan is fucking awesome.” Mindy stood up and slung her bag over her shoulders. “Did you know he didn’t get most of the humor in those movies? I guess comedy in China might be pretty different from American comedy…”

Connor was getting frustrated. “I don’t need you to invite me over just because you feel sorry for me.”

“I’m not doing it for that. I want to make sure you’re okay and...well, you said you wanted to get to know me right?”

Connor nodded stiffly.

“Well, maybe I want the same thing.”

Connor didn’t know what to say. So he flipped her off with a half smile.

“Yeah? Fuck you too. Let’s pick up candy on the way.”


	10. Chapter 10

“Connor, can I talk to her?”

“Mom, you have already.”

“I know, but I just want to make sure…”

“Fine. Hey, talk to my mom to prove I’m not a liar.”

Mindy took the phone that was shoved at her. “Um, hello?”

“Mindy?”

"Yes ma’am. Sorry, Connor’s not feeling too good.”

Connor looked at her in disbelief.

“Yeah, thought he’d like to come over and watch a movie. I’m sorry it’s so short notice.”

“No, it’s fine, it’s great!” Cynthia looked over at Zoe who was leaning over the counter, just arriving from school and in the middle of making a sandwich. She had no idea what was making her mom look ready to have a heart attack, but if it had to do with Connor, she could only think ‘I told you so’. Or at least it would have been if Cynthia didn’t look also so happy she might cry.

“Thanks ma’am, was there a time you need him back by? My mom can drive him no problem.” Mindy told her.

“Well, if you don’t mind.” Cynthia stopped herself from saying she’d drive him instead; she knew if they were alone in the car together she’d be bursting with questions and if she started peppering him for details, he’d close right back up. “And thank you, that’s very kind of you to have him over. How...how’s he feeling? Is he sick?”

“Nah, just in a slump. You know how some days are, just ‘blegh’. Plus midterms are coming up, that’s never fun.”

Connor sat on the edge of his seat on the couch; would she spill the beans? Would she say something more incriminating? It had to hit her by now, that he was some suicidal nutcase with more mental problems than an escaped hospital patient.

_“Shit...what if she tries to get me put in a fucking psych ward?”_

But Mindy was as casual as can be; she even laughed at something his mother said before handing the phone back to him.

“Connor, have fun sweetie, and make sure to thank Mindy’s mom for giving you a ride.”

“No mom, I was thinking of taking the car myself and going for a joyride.”

Cynthia bit the inside of her cheek. "And please be back by nine the latest, it’s still a school night.”

“Okay mom.” Connor hung up before his mother could say another word. “Did you have to tell her that?”

“What? I just said you weren’t feeling good.”

“To my mom that’s like a red alert.”

“She sounded fine to me.” Mindy shrugged and got up from the couch to walk into the kitchen. “Have you got any homework to do?”

“Just a work sheet.”

“Okay, let’s do that first before we watch the movie.”

Connor stared. “Are you my mom now?”

“One, if you don’t do it, your parents might not be so happy I’m encouraging skipping school shit. Two, you’ll be able to watch the movie without having to think about your work not being done. Just do it while I’m cooking.”

“You’re cooking? For what?”

“Dinner.” Mindy said. “You know, so we can eat something?”

The kitchen was connected to the living room, a divider was cutting the line between the tile floor and the old carpet. The kitchen alive was pretty cramped but Mindy seemed to know her way around it well enough to maneuver in the space without hitting something. Connor was a bit mesmerized.

 _“I’m in a girl’s house alone and she’s making me dinner.”_ he prayed no one from school heard about this. _“Now that I think about it, would she care if anyone knew?”_

Connor sighed and took out his battered folder and his sheet; he didn’t have much else to distract him at the moment and he supposed he might as well do the damn thing while he was waiting. Each question was a quote from Romeo and Juliet and the instructions said to basically decipher what they meant in modern language. Which would inevitably mean a lot of frustration and grasping at straws.

While Mindy was occupied with mixing up salmon to form patties, she snuck a look at Connor; his homework and textbook were laid out on the coffee table and he looked to be concentrating pretty hard as he moved his lips to the words.

 _“I have a suicidal pot and pill junkie in my house who looked on the verge of a breakdown earlier. He’s doing his homework while I make him something to eat.”_ Mindy took a breath and tried to relax; could this blow up in her face? He was there and looking calm if not a bit annoyed at the assignment. “ _God what am I doing? This is crazy, we barely even know each other; just yesterday I was sure he hated me.”_

She had wanted to reevaluate her stance on interacting with her peers, but she was thinking something more along the lines of saying hello more often or trying to smile, not outright inviting someone to her house. Briefly Mindy had actually considered inviting Evan, but that might have been a bit much for a last minute get together and she didn’t want to put her mom out. Besides, Mindy wasn’t sure how close him and Connor were; they seemed to be at least on civil terms, but she didn’t even know for sure if they interacted outside of the lunchroom.

_“Does Evan even know anything about this? I didn’t think Connor would want me to start inviting people while he’s trying to get his head together.”_

On the walk over Connor had explained to Mindy exactly what was running through his head after she left him alone in the stairwell. The anger, the frustration, the paranoia, and the humiliation that she was just messing with him.

 _“Well, I’m glad he looks like he’s settled down now.”_ Mindy stirred the rice and added seasoning as the leftover water bubbled. Maybe she was getting ahead of herself, though he did seem a bit on edge. Connor’s knee would tend to jerk periodically, and he wouldn’t make any sort of reaction to it. Mindy guessed it was a tick, ut then again...

 _“When I stop to think, this isn’t that weird right? People have friends over for dinner all the time. Wait...are we friends now? How do you know when someone’s your friend?”_ Mindy turned off the rice cooker and stirred the grains to make them fluffy and to keep them from burning at the bottom of the pot. “ _I still think Connor’s a jackass....but how could I just leave him like that? Hell, I love my dad and he basically ruined our lives for years.”_

“The fuck?” Connor was squinting down at his sheet. Mindy came over to let the rice cool down and the patties to finish frying. “I feel like I’m reading braille. Why can’t we read something in english?”

“What part is it?”

“What, you understand it all?”

“Sort of. I like to read Shakespeare so I’m used to the language.” Mindy told him as she peered at the text. “‘Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace’...yeah, this one got me too.”

“Yeah, who the fuck is he talking about?”

“His subjects.” Mindy took a seat next to him; Connor tried not to back away as she looked over his shoulder. He didn’t like people being so close.

“But he said his enemies.”  
“Oh, that means they’re fucking up the peace because all they do is fight about the house feud. See, so they’re the enemies. They’re destroying themselves from the inside out. And the rest is just him going on about what violent pricks they are.”

“Okay...I know this last line is about how it’s the third time a fight broke out, but what’s an ‘airy word’?”

“Like, nothing. It’d be like if I said something to you that was just sort of dumb and you stabbed me over it. Disproportionate retribution.”

“Okay...and the next one?”

“I’m not telling you them. Hold on a sec-” Mindy rushed over to take the patties off the pan before moving to the kitchen drawers. Connor let out a sigh of relief. She was sitting way too close; he was way too close to pushing her away in reflex.  

While he tried to breathe, Mindy was searching through a cluttered drawer; she produced a clean sheet of paper with a triumphant smile and bounced back into the living room. Connor looked wary as she put it on the table next to him.

“Alright, here’s what you do. Answer the questions and write them down on this first; just take your best shot, even if some shit’s not familiar. After that, I’ll go through each one and tell you what parts you missed, but I’m going to make you try to figure it out first before I give you clues.”

Connor sighed and grabbed the paper. “I thought you wanted to watch a movie. At this rate, we won’t have enough time.”

“It can wait.” Mindy said as she went back to get plates. “Here, you can eat first if you want. Fish is brain food.”

Connor slowly rose from the couch; she told him to say ‘when’ as she served rice and they ate at the coffee table. It was kind of nice how informal it all was; Cynthia always insisted at dinner at the dining room table. Larry didn’t try to enforce the rule himself, and Zoe was just as indifferent; Connor wasn’t surprised. Eating together wasn’t so great, when one member of the family wasn’t wanted there.

“Where’s your sister?”

“Uh, little ones at library, older ones at work.”

“You have two?”

“Yeah, we’re all about a year apart though.” Mindy said. “How old is Zoe?”

Before Connor could get out a word, the front door swung open, almost hitting the wall behind it.

“Hey Mindy,” Jo struggled to get in with her purse, files, and grocery bags; Mindy startled Connor when she jumped up to grab the bags all at once. Michelle was right behind her with a deep frown and her arms crossed. “I wasn’t sure if you had anything for dessert, so I picked up ice cream. Connor, hi!” she immediately moved over to shake his hand as she switched her purse and files to one arm; he shook it in a sort of daze as she smiled down at him. Standing up, she wouldn’t even be half his height; her black eyes shone and Connor realized Mondy’s were only a shade lighter. “Are you okay? Mindy told me you weren’t feeling well; we have some cold medicine if you need it.”

“Oh he’s not sick Ma, he just felt shitty.” Mindy supplied as she put away the ice cream cartons in the freezer. “Michelle, put away the toilet paper.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” she said with a exaggerated huff; then her eyes landed on Connor and she had a big grin on her face. “Hi, I’m Michelle!”

“Hi, I’m...Connor.”

“Sweetie, help Mindy put away groceries.”

Michelle resumed her angry look immediately. “Don’t tell me what to do!”

Jo sighed and gave an apologetic smile to Connor. “Sorry, she’s in a bad mood because I picked her up early from the library.”

“Stop telling on me!” Michelle’s eyes were forming tears: Connor was internally panicking.

“Michelle, put away the toilet paper.” Mindy told her once more.”

Michelle raised her arms and dropped them with a growl. “Now you’re mad at me.”

“Now one’s mad.” Mindy drawled. “This is my stern voice.” she didn’t look at Michelle as she finished stacking cans in the pantry. “Go put the toilet paper away and go to your room.”

“Mindy, she hasn’t had dinner.”

“I’m not hungry!”

“Fine,” Mindy said simply. “Then do what I said and go to your room, we have a guest.”

“Fine!” Michelle grabbed the pack and stomped to the closet and then into her room; before Jo could say anything, Mindy spoke up.

“Ma, she’ll come out when she’s hungry. Just let her stay in her room.”

“She’s just going to get louder in her room and I don’t want Connor to have to listen to it.”

Mindy shrugged. “Alright. Sorry ma.”

“It’s nothing new.” Jo sighed dryly. “Connor, sorry about this. Oh and you were trying to do your homework....”

“It’s fine.” Connor didn’t know what else to say. _“What the hell is going on….?”_

“I’m going to talk to Michelle. Oh that looks great, thanks Mindy.” Jo said with a glance at the food: she gave Mindy a quick hug. “Sorry to have this happen while you have a friend over.”

“It’s okay ma. Sorry this was short notice. Thanks for the ice cream.”

Jo waved her off and turned to Connor. “Eat whatever you want, and if you need to use the bathroom it’s down the hall on the right. I’d stay to talk, but I need to calm down my baby.”

“Thanks, it’s fine really.”

Mindy sighed as Jo went off to talk to her sister. “Of course she picks today to throw a tantrum. I wish my mom would be a bit more stern, she needs to know she can’t always get her way.” she took a good look at Connor; he was watching her like she was speaking spanish. “What?”

“Is it always like this?”

“Mmm, depends on Michelle’s mood.” Mindy scratched her scalp. “My mom doesn’t usually get home for another couple of hours. She must have taken off early to get food.”

“Oh. That’s really cool of her.”

Mindy smiled softly. “I know right? I just wish I could help more with Michelle...well, anyway, how’re you doing with the homework?”

“Uh...I’m having trouble with the sixth one.”

Mindy sat next to him again.

_“Our shoulders almost touched…why the hell is she sitting so close?”_

“Oh god, this is my favorite part.” Mindy told him as she read over the words.

“What does the snowy doves and crows part mean?”

“Well, what’s he comparing the dove to?”

“Oh, okay. So she’s hot and everyone else is ugly.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“So what about this one? ‘The measure done, I’ll watch her place of stand and touching hers, make blessed my rude hand?”

Mindy looked thoughtful. “Let’s break this apart. What’s a measure?”

“Distance?”

“Nah, it’s like a bar of music.”

“So, he saying once the songs over...?”

“Yep.” Mindy nodded. “Once it’s over, he’ll take her hand and make his blessed, ‘cause he thinks she’s too good for him.”

“That’s retarded, they literally just met.”

“Technically, in this scene they haven’t met at all, he just saw her. But yeah, it’s Shakespeare.” Mindy reminded him; she kept reading the sheet and laughed suddenly.

“What?” Connor was bristling slightly, thinking she was laughing at one of his wrong answers.

“Just listen to this: Did my heart love til now? Forswear it sight, for I never saw true beauty until this night.”

“Yeah, I know what that means.” Connor said shortly. “She’s so beautiful he thinks his eyes must never have been working right before, ‘cause he can’t have been in love with anyone else.”

Mindy blinked. “That is what it means...but I wasn’t laughing at you.”

“Then what was so funny?”

“Nothing, it’s not that it’s funny, it’s just romantic. To be honest, I’m not good with that kind of thing. I can’t say things like poetry. If I liked a guy, I’d just tell him and I’d say point blank all the things I liked about him too. I can’t come up with special stuff to say.” Mindy shrugged sheepishly; she was glad they couldn’t hear her mom and Michelle too well from the living room. “Can you imagine this guy in real life hitting on a chick? I couldn’t make someone’s heart just stop like that.”

“No one understands this kind of writing now anyway.” Connor told her.

“True, but it has a nice ring to it anyway.” Mindy said genially. “Any others you need help with?”

“No, I’m done.”

“Sweet.” Mindy glanced at her phone. ‘If we started a movie now, we’d never finish it...want to just watch TV?”

“Sure.”

Mindy took the remote and turned on the set; she flipped through channels while finishing her food. “What do ya want to watch?”

“I don’t care.”

“I don’t care, everything sucks, gawd.” Mindy said with an eye roll; it was so ridiculous, Connor felt more like laughing than flipping her off. “Holy shit, Scooby Doo! We have to watch this!”

“Why?” Connor never saw the appeal himself; it was a bunch of idiots running around with a talking dog after fake ghosts. He wouldn’t watch it himself unless he was high.

“It’s almost Halloween!” Mindy said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world; as the opening song played, she got up to put away her and Connor’s plates. “You want ice cream?”

“No, I’m good.” Ice cream hurt his teeth.

“Hey sweetie.” Jo had finally came out of Michelle’s room. “She’s being quiet, but she’s still pouting.”

“Oh god.” Mindy rolled her eyes as she scooped chocolate ice cream into a bowl. “She’s lucky she wasn’t born in the thirties, she’d have been locked in a shed by now.”

Connor snorted and quickly covered his mouth. “Uh, sorry.”

But Jo was cackling herself. “Mindy, you’re so funny.”

“I wasn’t trying to be....” Mindy said wryly. “Seriously ma, she’s lucky we don’t get after her with a switch or something. She’s great at school though, but those asshole don’t feed her or pay rent.”

Jo kept laughing as she served herself dinner; Connor was watching them with an uneasy expression.

_“This is so fucking weird…”_

The way Mindy spoke to her mom seemed to be both formal and casual at the same time; he hadn’t ever heard a kid talk to their parents so casually without being sarcastic. He didn’t even mean to swear in front of his mom half the time, his temper just always ended up getting the better of him.

 _“And it’s so...relaxed.”_ Connor knew why his own household was more tense of course. _“They’re probably glad I’m not there now.”_

“Connor?”

“Sorry?”

“Do you want any ice cream? Or something to drink?” Jo asked; he couldn’t believe how well she was taking having a complete stranger in her home.

“No, thanks though. Um, sorry for coming in out of the blue…”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Connor nodded uncertainly.

“I know Mindy wouldn’t bring someone over here I wouldn’t want. Besides, it’s the least I could do.” Jo smiled at Mindy warmly and back to Connor. “She does everything around here you know.”

“Ma…” Mindy felt her face flush at the praise; she was settling back on the couch and eating her dessert with pink cheeks.

‘Well, it’s true.” Jo said with a sort of sigh. “She’s my rock.”

“Solid like a chocolate bar.” Mindy remarked and Jo laughed without restraint.

“If you guys don’t mind, I’m going to my room and wait for my baby to stop hating me.” Jo got up with her plate and walked down the hall with a wave back at them.

“She’ll tire herself out. If she wants to eat, she can get food herself.” Mindy said resolutely as her mom looked regretfully at Michelle’s room.

“Okay, okay. Have fun, let me know if you want to go home early Connor.”

“Okay, thanks.” It was all Connor could really say;  Mindy sat back down next to him. He had already stuffed his work back into his messenger bag; with it all done and proofread, there was no reason for Mindy to sit closer. Connor sat back and tried to relax; his body felt like it was sinking down like the cushions.

“Oh look at that shit.”

“What?”

Mindy snickered. “Isn’t it fucking weird how every time they get chased some happy seventies music plays? Like, they’re running for their lives to a Beatles knockoff.”

“Yeah…”

At his odd tone, Mindy stopped watching the show. “You okay?”

“Yeah.”

She looked at him but his face was almost blank. “You don’t sound okay…”

“Mindy, this is weird.”

“Yeah, I know. I guess I shouldn’t have made you come over” Mindy tried to chuckle. “I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to drag you here, but I really felt odd just leaving you alone.”

“That’s what's weird. You and your mom, you guys just let me come in like it was nothing.”

“Well, we let my dad live with us for years and he stole, lied, and generally made everyone miserable. Hell, if we can let him actually live here, I don’t see what’s the big deal about letting someone normal stay over for dinner.”

“I’m not normal.”

“Yeah. Let’s say, ‘not going to fuck up everything’ normal.”

“You’re wrong there. I do that too.”

“No you don’t. You can be a pain in the ass, but you haven’t done anything to me. Well, you did, but nothing that hasn’t already been done or done worse-” Mindy fell silent. “I...that sounds bad huh?”

Connor looked to Jo’s room to make sure the door was still closed before looking back down at the patterns in the top of the wood table. “What happened? I mean, with your dad. Was it really that bad?”

Mindy put down her bowl; what ice cream was left had half melted. “A lot of stuff. I wouldn’t know where to begin. I...Connor, I don’t think you want to hear. It’s too personal, too...well, crazy.”

“You let me in here after I ruined your locker and called you a bitch. I can handle it.”

Mindy smiled a bit. “Well….I guess it starts before me and my sister’s were born. My dad already had a shitty life in general; he had some mental issues that went unchecked...then a year before my older sis was born, he got into crack, and that shit really messes you up.”

“I never tried anything that hard.”

“Good.” Mindy said dully. “That was bad enough. When I was little, he’d use it while drinking. My dad sober is kind of a selfish ass, but on that stuff...it was like that until we ran away. I was about six or seven. We moved around, found a place, and he found us. He wasn’t violent anymore, but he had nowhere else to go. My mom let him stay with us for nine years.”

“What?!”

“Sh! Damn man, my mom’s trying to sleep.”

“Sorry, but...that’s fucking crazy. Why would she let him-?”

“She didn’t know he was hurting us too. She would try to stay away from the house, sleep at work, sleep in her car somewhere, at a church. She thought he was only mad at her; she had no idea what was happening until later.”

“Why didn’t you _say_ anything?” It was hard not to sound almost angry at her.

Mindy looked almost sheepish. “Didn’t know it wasn’t normal. I mean, I was scared, but I didn’t know it was something parents weren’t supposed to do. The earliest I can remember is four, and I can remember him hitting me then too.”

Connor felt his legs and arms numb. “Why is he even still in the picture? Didn’t you guys-”

“Yeah. Cops didn’t care in that neighborhood and neither did the neighbors. I guess we could report him now, but he hasn’t hit us in years and if we did, they might take Michelle away since she’s still underage.”

“Okay, but why the hell would you let him live with you?”

“Personally, I didn’t want him dying on the street. Not that it was fun; he stole from me, yelled, threw things. On good days I was his maid basically.” Mindy said with more humor than bitterness. “Now he’s had a place of his own for a few years and it’s helped a lot. He got back on the stuff, but he knows better than to push it. I guess we sound stupid, not calling the cops or anyone, but we’re all grown up and past it for the most part. Me and mom are the only ones who even know he relapsed; we help him with food and things now and then but ignore him when he calls late, ‘cause that’s usually when he’s high.”

Connor bit the inside of his cheek. “Yeah, so let him keep bothering you guys, is that it? Because he's family, he gets to keep treating you guys like shit? How can you-?”

Mindy just looked on as Connor clenched his fists tightly on his knees.

“You don’t have to put up with it anymore.”

“I know.”

“You could have kicked him out before, or just ignore him now. He messed up, he’s the one with mental shit and drug problems! Don’t let yourself suffer because he can’t get his shit together…”

Mindy sighed as Connor buried his face in his hands. _“Who are you talking about exactly?”_

“That’s fucked up…”

“Yeah, but I love him. My older sis doesn’t have much to do with him and Michelle doesn’t really either since she’s off in la-la land. My mom doesn’t have the heart to watch him kill himself.” Mindy shrugged. “I forgave him a long time ago. The only thing that sucks is that I can’t forget it...it’s always sort of on the back burner...a bad memory of my piggy bank getting cut open for his shit or him punching the wall and just missing my face and I don’t know whether he did it on purpose or not...I’m not dumb Connor, I know what kind of person he is, good and bad.”

“Good?”

“Sure. My dad’s not evil. He’s just really messed up; now he’s almost insane. We hardly know what disorders or issues he has and how much is from years of smoking that shit. If I were you, I’d stick to pot.”

Connor could tell Mindy was trying to lighten the mood, but he wouldn’t let himself relax; he kept replaying the moment she turned to look at him just after his fist punched a dent in her locker. She looked surprised and incredulous and scared, for the briefest moment.

“ _I...when I almost punched her back then, did I make her remember?”_

“Connor, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that much...it was sneaky.”

“Huh?”

“It’s just...from what I heard, my dad was a lot like you in some ways when he was my age. Now that I know you, I really hope you’ll never end up like him. Like I said, stick to pot.”

“You think I could end up being a fucking monster?”

“No, just really sad. That’s what he is. He’s hopeless. He doesn’t have much to even live for now and it’s all his fault. He’s his own worst enemy.” Mindy paused suddenly; she looked like someone had just slapped her awake.

“What?”

“I can’t believe it.” she smiled weakly. “I’ve never talked about any of this to anyone else. I just found out today you didn’t hate me, and I’m spilling my guts like you’re my therapist. Sorry, I really didn’t mean to unload it all on you, you’re already having a rough time and you just looked like you were enjoying yourself-”

“Are you channeling Hansen? Christ, when you do get talking, you get so awkward it’s painful.”

Mindy smiled self consciously. “It’s different when I want to make a good impression on someone.”

Connor snorted derisively. “There’s no one here to impress.”

“Well...you said I was nice right? That you wanted to get to know me better because you had a good opinion of me?”

“Yeah,” Connor glanced at her from the corner of his eye. “So?”

“Shit, I don’t know.” Mindy looked like she was fighting not to smile. “When I know someone thinks of me highly, it makes me want to...be good for them I guess. Not let them down.”

“Sounds like a lot of pressure.”

“Nah. It’s nice. It’s like, what did I do to deserve that in the first place?”

Connor glared at her. “Stop talking like that. You act like I did something so fucking great by liking you. I was an asshole and you weren’t.”

Mindy shook her head. “I could have been a lot nicer...could have at least tried to think about how other people were feeling instead of just ignoring it all and trying to make things easier for myself…”

“Well, life sounds pretty shitty enough for you, so I think people can forgive you.”

Mindy laughed softly. “Is it just me or is it easier to forgive people who hurt you than to forgive yourself?”

“How about instead of forgiving people, you punch them in the face first?”

“That might cause problems...thanks Connor.”

“For what?”

“Listening, even though you’re not feeling good. I know it’s depressing...I probably sound pathetic.”

“Honestly, you sounded like you were reciting the weather.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of....bland.” Mindy said lamely. “But...is this weird? I feel like in the past six hours I’ve told you more than...I’ve ever told anyone.”

Connor smiled a bit. “It’s like we’re in group therapy, except we’re both bitching about our problems instead of doing exercises or taking meds.”

“Yeah...I hate complaining. You were right Connor, I should be doing more about it…I should have done more a long time ago.”

“Shut up. Do you now James Langston?”

“Who?”

“He was this kid I knew in middle school. His dad was a drunk, his mom was gone, and he had four other brothers. He ended up dropping out before freshman year and I heard he was selling dope downtown.”

“Oh god…”

“And here you are playing mommy to your sister and helping our your parents when they should be taking care of you. You’re not a disappointment to anyone. You didn’t screw things up for everyone else because you got screwed over.”

Mindy’s hands trembled and she held them still. “I guess. Connor?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. You’re actually pretty nice when you’re not being a dick.”

“I’m not being nice.” Connor mumbled; the show was over now. When did it end? How long had they even been talking? “It’s the truth. You’re a good person. Your parents aren’t ashamed of you, your sister doesn’t hate you.” he bit his lip hard and swallowed the tight lump in his throat. “And if they did, you wouldn’t deserve it….not like me.”

“Connor...I don’t know much, but I can say for sure your mom loves you like crazy. She was so fucking excited when she was buying that candy. I thought she was talking about a toddler.”

“She thinks I am.” Connor said wryly.

“Maybe, but she does love you. Look at me? My dad put me through hell, and I love him. You’re not nearly that shitty.”

“Wow. Thanks.”

Mindy nudged his side with her elbow. “You can’t be that bad if I feel glad you like me.”

“It shouldn’t matter to you what I think. My family would kill to have me be someone like you.”

“Say one more shitty thing about yourself and I’m not taking you to see a movie.”

Connor fake pouted. “But you promised.”

“Yeah….fine, no candy. And only diet soda.” Mindy stuck out her tongue at him.

Connor tried to smile back when it hit him; how could it be that his regard mattered to another person? Why was she so happy that someone like him thought she was nice?

They sat there just looking at their hands and their minds buzzing like they had just drank a gallon of coffee.

“Um, hey…”  

Mindy sat to attention. “What?”

“I’ve never...talked to anyone like this either. At least not without feeling like...like…” Connor exhaled and ran through his hair. “Like someone gives a shit what I’m saying...like you’re actually listening...and not waiting for me to get mad and walk away or throw something.”

“I mean, I would hope you wouldn’t.” Mindy said. “Besides, I bet there’s tons of people out there who would listen. Hell, some people make a living out of it.”

Connor chuckled and sat back, resting his head on the couch. He felt high. “What the hell is going on?”

Mindy smiled. _“I don’t think I’ve ever smiled this much on one day.”_

“So….weirder question.”

“Shoot. I think we’ve reached a point where things have escalated.”

“Are we...friends?”

“Fuck yeah.” Mindy slapped his arm lazily. “God, after the shit we’ve told each other? It’s a bit late to ignore that stuff.”

Connor’s face fell. “Are you really not, like, freaked out? I mean, I told you I was going to-”

“Connor, not that I’m not taking it seriously, but at this point hearing news like that for me is like someone telling you your car broke down. It sucks, you get over it, and do what you need to do.”

“What...do you need to do?”

Mindy averted her gaze. “Take you to the movies tomorrow.”

“With regular soda?”

“We’ll see.”


	11. Chapter 11

The movie unfortunately would have to wait. Connor had texted Mindy the next day that morning he had gotten a cold; she typically wouldn’t have believed it, but Alana, who was on the same committee for the party as Zoe, said that she had caught a cold, and everyone in the family was coming down with symptoms. Now it was Friday, and no such luck of him being able to accompany her.

 _“I hope it isn’t contagious around here.”_ Mindy thought as she listened to Alana go on about this time she had volunteered as a candy striper. She actually didn’t know that those positions were real things, although Alana had told her they didn’t use the old uniforms anymore. In fact, she had taken the liberty to tell her almost every detail of her duties, the staff she had to interact with, and the patients.

It was actually pretty interesting, but just as Mindy wasn’t sure if she could take the chatter much longer, Alana had said she needed to go meet with a teacher in the library to discuss yet another future project for the summer and whether she’d be able to efficiently fit it in with her other commitments.

“Oh, Evan,” Alana turned around swiftly just before leaving. “Are you absolutely sure about the meeting? If you can’t come to today’s briefing, the actual outing is still tomorrow.”

“Um, no, to be honest, I have a lot of school work to catch up on and if I don’t and I get caught up with extracurricular, um, things and what not, that’d just be irresponsible,” Evan coughed and laughed at the same time. “But I hope the book is useful.”

“Well, thanks for lending it to me.” Alana paused. “It’ll be a big help. Maybe another meeting..?”

“Oh maybe.” Evan nodded vigorously; seemingly appeased, Alana smiled and went on her way.

“You’re not doing the tree thing?”

“W-what?” Evan’s eyes widened considerably, as though he had heard a ghost. “No, I..I’m not going. I’m busy.”

“That’s too bad. You sounded like you were looking forward to it.” Mindy said plainly. “ _I think I’m scaring him….maybe I shouldn’t bug Evan. He seems to be strung out as it is…”_

“I was, sorta, kinda. But hey, school’s important and I need to keep on top of things and...yeah.” Evan almost seemed to wilt under her unwavering stare; he always tried so hard to make eye contact when talking to people, but he could hardly stand it for more than a few seconds. It was like they could see right through him, or he felt like he had something to hide even when he was being transparent.

“That’s too bad...because yesterday you were telling that Jared guy you were all done with your work and that you had plans Friday and Saturday.”

Evan’s mouth struggled to form the right words; Mindy continued to look at him, trying to look unassuming, but she sincerely wondered if Evan was the kind of person who would be worried no matter what the mood was.

“So, you were listening-you heard that?”

“I didn’t mean to overhear, but with that guy constantly talking about dicks and shit, it was kind of hard to concentrate on my book.”

“Yeah...sorry, he’s, he’s a family friend.”

“Right. So, why’d you back out?”

“I didn’t back out.”

Mindy gave him a look. “You don’t have to tell me, but it’s too bad. I know you don’t talk to many people. Sounds like you could have made some friends with members who were into environment stuff.”

“Well, not necessarily. I mean, most of those guys are pretty driven and confident and motivated, they’re a bit…”

“Intimidating?”

Evan’s eyes met Mindy’s; the answer was written on everything from his face to his jerky body.

“Twitchy…”

“Huh?”

“You’re real twitchy. Be careful, someone might think you’re on something or Connor’s giving you pills.”

“Oh no, he wouldn’t, I mean, I don’t think he would, at least not for free.” Evan trailed off with a wince. “That sounds bad for him doesn’t it?”

“It sounds honest. But yeah, the truth can sound bad. Not that Connor’s a bad guy.”

“Really?” Evan’s eyebrows shot up his forehead. “I thought you two, you know….weren’t on the best terms exactly.”

“I’ve been talking with him. It was a fluke really, but...yeah, I guess you could say we’re friends now.” Mindy smiled a bit. “You know, it’s too bad. Looks like both our plans got cancelled.”

“P-pardon?”

“Eh, I got some movie tickets from my babysitting job and I was going to go with Connor to see something, but he’s sick.”

“Oh, that’s nice. Not that he’s sick and your night’s ruined, not that it is, you could have other plans, but it sucks Connor is sick.”

“Evan, say whatever the hell you want. You don’t have to watch your mouth around me, got it?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah…”

“Okay, good, ‘cause I was going to ask if you wanted to go with instead and I want a straight answer.”

“...you want me...you want to go to the movie, with me?” Evan replied as if Mindy had just asked him whether he wanted to sacrifice a cat under the forest trail bridge.

“Sure. I got extra tickets and you don’t seem like an asshole who will talk throughout the whole movie. Besides, you know what’s great about going to the movies?”

“What?”

“No one wants you to talk.” Mindy explained with a little smile. “No necessary interaction, no etiquette, except shut the fuck up and let everyone gape at the screen.”

Evan offered a slight smile. “That sounds easy….but…”

“What’s up?” Mindy tried to sound nice.

“You really don’t mind if I go?”

“No.”

“Oh. I always thought...you...I don’t know how to say this.” Evan grimaced. "Like, you hated people?”

“Oh yeah. I mean, I don’t, but I can see why you’d think so.” Mindy agreed. “I know this might be sudden. I was going to go on my own anyway...but if you don’t have plans, why not come with?”

Evan had a brief look of guilt and shame. “I...might not be that busy-”

“Look, it’s cool. I know you’re not a flake, you have your reasons. Tell you what, meet me at the movie theater around six if you can. There’s a lot of good stuff playing tonight, so we can decide together what to see.”

“Are you really, like really sure? You could always save the tickets for when Connor gets better.”

“I’ve got three. I’ll go with him another time. I want to see a movie tonight.” Mindy told him. “And no offense, but you look like you could stand to have some low pressure social interaction.”

To Mindy’s shock, that afternoon when Evan showed up to the theater, he had suggested the horror movie off the bat. In fact, he didn’t seem the least bit jittery at the prospect of watching kids get killed or jump scares or dark auditoriums.

Now, giving the ticket teller his ticket, ordering the popcorn, and moving past sitting patrons on the way to his seat made him look ready to faint.

 _“Maybe he should be the one smoking pot.”_ Mindy thought absently as the trailers finished up; but now they were seated and Evan was sipping his soda placidly enough, even though he had nearly had a panic attack when she produced it from her purse.

“What if someone sees?!”

“What if they get the balls to actually say anything? They’d just get irritated they didn’t think of it.”

“We could get kicked out.”

“Fine, then we do something else.”

But then Evan had actually insisted on paying for popcorn, but when it came to asking the employee for it, he had stuttered and mumbled so much, Mindy had to step in before the other people in line got antsy.

“Oh, I know this guy.” Evan commented softly as the clown popped up out of the sewer. “He’s pretty good-oh sorry.”

“Don’t worry,” Mindy whispered back. “Sometimes I-HAHAHAHAHAHA! What the fuck was that?!”

The crowd had gasped and jumped when the clown first spoke, so luckily Mindy’s outburst wasn’t exactly disruptive, but Evan was still looking around wildly at the few people who looked back in their seats.

“M-Mind-”

“Hey, did you know the lead kid in this has a stuttering problem?” Mindy whispered conversationally. “Oh my god, that clown needs to shut up-can you believe that voice?! This is fucking hilarious!”

This was the pattern for the majority of the movie; Mindy would cackle and whisper comments and remarks while Evan tried desperately not to disappear into the seat or keep himself from chuckling himself during inappropriate times. When it was all over, no one had come up to ask them to leave or shut the hell up, and Mindy was smirking as Evan trailed after her.

“Holy shit. I mean, it was pretty good for what they had to work with, but holy shit, that was hilarious.”

“I think it’s hard to, uh, transfer all book details to movies. I think it did it justice. The guy was creepy.”

“Yeah, if I saw that guy I’d be beating his ass, no questions asked.” Mindy agreed; they were outside and the night was cool and the sky was clear. “Look at that moon. Now imagine having to walk alone right after seeing this movie.”

“Yeah.” Evan said with a half smile. “I mean, it just look kind of nice though. Um, thanks by the way.”

“Oh no problem, it looks less suspicious if I carry the purse. I’m just glad my chocolate didn’t rattle around too much.”

“I meant, well, thanks for doing that, but I meant thanks for inviting me?” Evan held his fists in his pockets as he looked at the ground; it was surreal. He was a head taller than me, but here he was acting like he was almost scared of what I’d say next. It made me uneasy, even though he had been nice and polite the whole time.

“ _Maybe that’s why people don’t talk to him much...it’s too much pressure in and of itself to make sure he’s not bugging out.”_ Mindy frowned; she could understand why it’d be a hassle, even tiring to deal with someone who constantly stumbled and didn’t finish sentences and generally could just barely get words out without sounding pained. “ _But Evan’s a nice guy. And once he relaxes a bit, it’s not too bad. Hell, I barely even noticed it after a while.”_

“Evan.”

“Y-yes?” Evan looked up quickly from his phone; Mindy supposed he was texting his mom for a ride.

“Thanks for coming with. I typically go myself, but it was more fun going with you. Hope I didn’t talk too much.” Mindy said apologetically.

“You don’t have to thank me! You were the one who actually let me come…”

There was a few seconds of silence; suddenly Evan looked incredibly embarrassed, like any liveliness gained from the outing was zapped out. Mindy tried to keep the pity from showing in her face as he let out a shaky breath.

“You even let me sit with you. I know you wanted to be alone. Everyone knows, but I didn’t...have anywhere else-”

“Evan, you don’t have to thank me for being halfway decent.” Mindy felt angry, but not at him. “I barely even acknowledged you were alive...I didn’t kick you out, but I sure as shit didn’t make you feel welcome. Don’t thank me for doing the bare minimum.”

“That’s more what anyone else ever does. Most people don’t want some twitchy kid sitting there and ruining the mood.” Evan told her quietly. “Um...did you ask me to come...because you felt bad?”

Mindy shrugged. “Well, yes and no. Evan, I feel bad you feel like...well how you feel. But I feel bad because I like you. If you were an asshole, I wouldn’t care less. I wanted you to come. Trust me, no one makes me do anything I don’t want to do, not even me.”

“I can believe it.” Evan smiled a little; his teeth were straight. He had a nice smile when he let it show. Mindy was going to tell him so, but before she could, a car pulled up to the curb outside the theater and gave a little honk. Out of all the loud noises and sound effects Evan had heard all night, this one made him leap ten feet in the air.

“The hell…?” Mindy looked to the car; an older woman was smiling and waving out her window. She looked tired, but friendly; her smile grew brighter as they approached the car.

“Hi, Mindy?”

“Oh yes.” Mindy said quickly. “Are you Evan’s mom?”

“Yes, it’s nice to meet you!” she really sounded like she meant it. “You can call me Heidi.”

“Heidi hansen?” Mindy grinned. “Wow, I love that. Oh, thanks for letting Evan come with, hope it wasn’t too short notice.”

“Oh no, I just got out of my class.” Heidi said as Evan climbed in the back seat. “Evan, sweetie, did you have fun?”

“Yeah.” Evan nodded quickly

“I’m glad honey, I knew you’d have a good time if you gave it a shot.”

Mindy noticed Evan seemed to sink into the car seat; Heidi’s tone sounded a bit too cheerful. _“I get where she’s coming from...god knows it’s hard to take care of a kid in general, but one with some issues like Evan?”_

“Evan was great.” Mindy said. “He was the only one who didn’t go on and on, even when the movie got weird.”

Heidi’s mouth made an ‘o’ of surprised momentarily. “That’s great! I was a bit worried, there’s so many people at the movies-”

“I know right? It’s crowded, stuffy, people shoving you to get to their candy. But we made it!” Mindy cut her off and gave Evan a thumbs up. His face was burning in embarrassment, but he returned the grin with a weak one of his own.

“You know, Evan really likes nature, maybe next time you two can go on a nice, quiet picnic in the park tomorrow. I can pack you two food, how’s that sound Evan?”

“Oh no, mom-”

“You don’t have to, we can handle it.” Mindy told her kindly. “I bet you’re exhausted right now.”

Evan watched transfixed as Mindy spoke with his mom like it was nothing.

“When she does talk, she knows what she’s doing.”

In the span of a few minutes, Mindy had convinced Heidi of any doubts of what a wonderful time they had, that she would personally prepare all the necessities for tomorrow, and yes, Evan was doing great in school, him and her sat with another boy and a sometimes a girl. Heidi flushed happily when she heard that.

“Evan, I didn’t know you were making so many new friends; see, this year is going better than you expected, huh?”

Evan sincerely smiled at his mom’s enthusiasm and looked over at Mindy. “Yeah, it is.”

“Oh, do you need a ride sweetie?”

“No, it’s fine, I live in the opposite direction.” Mindy said.

“But it’s so dark out…”

“It’s just a few minutes away. Besides, I want to work off some of this popcorn.” Mindy patted her stomach with a lopsided grin. “Evan, I’ll text you in the morning so we can figure out where to meet up.”

“Sure!” Evan lowered his voice. “Um, sounds good. Have a good night.”

“You two, bye Heidi, it was nice meeting you.”

“Be careful sweetie, especially crossing the street.”

“No problem, don’t worry.” Mindy nodded. “Night!”

Heidi pulled out of the side of the theater and smiled at Evan in the mirror; as drained as she looked, she truly did look excited for him.

“Evan, did you have a good time?”

“Yeah mom, I did really.”

“How come you never mentioned Mindy?”

“Sorry mom, I’ve been pretty preoccupied with school stuff.” Evan lied.

“Well okay, I’m glad you had fun. Isn’t it nice to go out with friends on the weekend. I should still give you something to pack, maybe we can make a quick stop at the store to get drinks or at least some apples or-”

Evan smiled and nodded as his mom spoke; he was still in a bit of a daze. Was he nervous? Well, yes. He had spent most of the time trying to bit his tongue and trying to keep his attention solely on the movie to keep himself from getting nervous over going out for a movie with someone who he was sure resented him intruding on their territory.

 _“Oh geez...I make it sound like she’s a dog or something.”_ Evan thought; it was true though. If he didn’t already feel like he didn’t belong, Mindy’s reluctance at his presence was just another drop in the bucket. He felt like they had come to an unspoken agreement; he keeps his mouth shut and she lets him have a place to eat.

 _“But today it was like she was a completely different person. I didn’t think she could laugh or joke or…”_ Evan smiled to himself as he looked out the car window. It really was a nice night. The next day was supposed to be sunny if not the tiniest bit chilly. _“Oh man, what if we don’t know what to talk about? No, no, it’ll be fine, we’ll be eating, she hates to talk while she’s eating...just pretend it’s lunch time at the school. Except she’s not ignoring you.”_

Heidi’s voice was like a happy trill. “See sweetie, you can write that in your letter. ‘Dear Evan Hansen, you just made a date to the park today!”

“Mom, it’s not a date.” Evan sighed. “We’re friends.”

Right after he had uttered the sentence he fell silent as Heidi corrected herself. 

_“We’re...friends…”_

“Okay, okay, then ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today was an awesome day and tomorrow is going to be even better.’ How’s that?”

Evan couldn’t help smile with his mom.

“That sounds good mom.”


	12. Chapter 12

“Oh, hey sweetie.” Mat smiled as Mindy came walking up the grass; Dixie rushed over to her as far as she could go on the short leash. The little puff ball of a dog had temper issues and Mindy knew her dad would do anything to make sure he didn’t have to get rid of her. Somehow he had gotten the people at his complex to allow him to have a dog; she thought it involved him telling them he needed the dog for therapy reasons. This was sort of true, even if it wasn’t in the sense the complex supervisor assumed.

“Hey dad. Here’s the sugar.”

“Thank you so much sweetie.” Mat took the bag. “Hey, do you mind holding Dixie for a minute? I got a surprise for you.”

“Sure.” Mindy took the leash and Dixie sat on her butt, tongue lolling out of her mouth and stumpy tail wagging. As friendly as she looked, Mindy knew better than to try and get too close; the dog would bite just as soon as she’d lick her hand.

_“Like owner like dog….the only thing he can take care of is a fucking dog.”_

Mindy sat down on the bench bolted down next to the dumpster; the brown paint was worn thin, but the seat still felt hot from the sun.

_“Come on, get back up here, I don’t have all day.”_

Normally Mindy wasn’t too impatient to get back home after running an errand for her dad, but today it was all she could do to bit her tongue and be civil. Not only was she anxious to grab the lunch she had prepared for lunch at the park, but last night right after returning from the movies she had been lucky enough to come home to her mom looking ready to cry at the dining room table. Thus, Mindy was treated to the ever so familiar account of how Mat had another slip up that day.

Michelle tended to only stay over at her dad’s home for half an hour after school before she took her trip to the library, and naturally, it would seem right that her father provide a snack or some sort of food if she was hungry.

_“Yeah, if he didn’t spend it on crack. Goddammit, he has to be a parent for fifteen minutes tops five days a week and he can’t even manage that.”_

She couldn’t care less if he was doing drugs; as long as it didn’t affect her or her family, it wasn’t any of her concern. But here he was, not even waiting until Michelle left to light up; what if she saw him? Who knows what kind of people were coming over, those druggies and dealers he used to associate with? What if he overdosed again and Michelle was there and got scared?

Mindy felt her teeth hurt from gritting them; Dixie tried to hop up on her lap, but she was too fat. Mindy chanced lowering a hand, letting the dog sniff it before pulling it away when the dog didn’t look interested.

_“I don’t care about the past...he’s fucking up now and it’s a problem.”_

The anger and indignation had been festering all night and morning; but she couldn’t say anything. If Mindy tried to call Mat out on anything he did, he’d get mad and turn it around on his ex-wife, who he was sure was turning her and Aurelia against him. That was how he thought, no matter what anyone said.

 _“Yeah, because getting whipped like a dog and watching him treat our mom like shit has nothing_ _to do with it.”_ Mindy thought with bubbling resentment. _“If you want to die so bad, do it right next time…”_

Just as her dad came back out, Mindy had to reset her face in a placid expression. Monosyllabic responses were the best, occasional smiles, maybe a chuckle, those were the way to go for these rare encounters.

“Your reward will be in heaven.” her mom said as Mindy volunteered to take him the sugar; she had been particularly touched when Mindy had cut a piece of cake she had baked to give to him since she knew he barely had any food.

_“Part of me wants him to let him starve...but…”_

Mat was holding out a t shirt. “I know you wear nicer stuff nowadays, but this shirt doesn’t fit me, and I didn’t want it to go to waste.”

“Oh thanks dad.” Mindy said genially as she folded it up.

“Good, I’m glad you like it sweetie and thank you for the cake. You know, your grandma would be proud, she used to bake all the time.”

He was talking about Jo’s mother; when they were still happy and together, she had been the mother he never had. When she died, Mindy suspected it took something from him. It made him weaker.

 _“If she was alive for just a little longer, could things have been different?”_ Mindy wondered as her dad excitedly showed her a video clip he had taken of Dixie barking at coyotes in the brush. He lived right next to the preserve trail and it was one of the few things he sincerely enjoyed. Animals and nature in general, those were the things that were able to reach him in a way no person ever could.

_“Maybe if we were dogs he’d treat us better. God knows he’d never let Dixie go hungry.”_

“Cool huh?”

“Yeah dad. I hear them yipping.”

“And look, remember how when you were little I took you out to see that rainbow? Well look at this one.” Mat flipped through his phone and showed her a photo of a bright rainbow against a darken sky.  
“The contrast is nice.”

“Beautiful right?” Mat put his phone away. “Anyway, thanks sweetie. Do you need money? I have your change jar, there’s some quarters in there.”

“No, I’m good dad, thanks though.”

Mindy suspected he had a change jar to make up for all the years he had been breaking into her piggy banks; she didn’t like taking anything from him. He was the kind of person who would give generously, but never let someone forget it.

_“I won’t owe him anything. I never asked him for shit and I don’t need anything from him now.”_

“Okay melinda, I love you, have a good day off.” Mat leaned in and Mindy pressed a kiss to the side of his face as she gave him a half hug.

“Love you too dad, hope you like the cake.”

“Aw, you know I love anything you girls make me. I still got all those letters and drawings you sent while I was in prison.”

Mindy nodded and smiled. “That’s good. Love you, see you later.”

“Love you.”

As Mat went back inside his room, Mindy breathed as sigh of relief and began walking fast to her house; the good thing was it was basically across the street, about a three minute walk from the library alone.

When she was home, Mindy took the folded t shirt and put it in her pajama drawer; she gave it a last look before shutting it away.

_“Why can’t you be like this all the time?”_

Mindy smiled at herself; she already knew why. What was the point of asking it anymore?

She was more than happy to see Evan standing awkwardly and craning his neck to look around as she sped up the parking lot, basket in tow and a sincere smile replacing her frown.

“Hey!” Mindy waved and called out.

Evan started but smiled back tentatively; once they were walking to find a spot to eat, he was busy fumbling with his bag.

“I thought I should bring napkins, or a sheet, you know, in case no tables were free.” Evan said as he reached into the biggest pocket to pull out a white sheet. “It doesn’t matter if we get it dirty, this is an old sheet. I cleaned it though-oops.”

Mindy chuckled as a bunch of loose notebook paper slipped out of a binder and fell among the leaves. “Hold on, I got it.”

“You don’t have to!”

Mindy’s eyes caught the words of the first paper. “Dear….? Transactional writing?”

“Huh?” Evan’s nervous edge was replaced with confusion.

“This is a kind of therapy technique.” Mindy brought the page closer so she could read it. “Dear Evan Hansen...you’re going to have a fun day at the park. Don’t do that thing where you mumble a lot.’ Well, it’s something…” she handed it back to him. “Was this for today? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry, but I’ve always been interested in in recreational forms of therapy.”

“Oh. Yes, it’s, uh, meant for today.” Evan said quietly as he took a quick look around to see if anyone was listening. It must have been a habitual gesture, since no one else was sitting in their area. “Sorry.”

“I don’t mind.” Mindy was continuing to help gather the papers. “Accidents happen.”

“No, i mean, sorry about…” Evan let out a breathy laugh. “Actually, i don’t know.”

“Evan, it’s fine. I don’t give a crap if you’re in therapy.”

“Oh…”

“Wait, that sounded bad.” Mindy corrected herself as she handed him the rest of the paper. “What I mean is that it’s no big deal. My older sis was in therapy for a bit for her social anxiety. It didn’t work out, but then, I guess it’s not for everyone.”

Evan seemed to calm down as he organized his binder. “What-how long did she go?”

“Just a few sessions. It was voluntary-is yours?”

“Yeah, more or less.”

Mindy nodded. “She did like the therapist, but...you know how it is, this big stigma where we think it’s an issue to ask for professional help. Now, don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t work for everyone, especially if you’re not ready, but I think most people are too scared to go and give it a shot.”

“I...it was kinda scary.” Evan sat down as Mindy passed him a smushed sandwich. “I wasn’t sure what to expect exactly and when I can’t prepare myself, I get more nervous and then...well, it didn’t go badly, but I haven’t made any breakthroughs or anything like that.”

“Hey, it’s a process. It’s like owning a car; you have to make sure to do upkeep or eventually it’ll just break down or any repairs you leave unattended will pile up.”

“Yeah.” Evan took his time chewing. “Did your sister do the letters thing?”

“Nah, the first sessions were just talking.” Mindy recalled as she stabbed her fork in the macaroni salad her mom had whipped up. “I don’t know...I guess she feels like she doesn’t need it...but I know part of it is because she feels…”

“What?” Evan almost choked on his food sputtering an apology. “N-not that you have to tell me, it’s very personal and it’s your sister and-”

“I said you could say whatever you wanted to me.” Mindy reminded him with a wry smile.

“Oh yeah…”

“Well, the problem is...that there were problems in the first place. Aureilia gets so mad when she thinks of the past. It’s not fair, but it happened and now…” Mindy shrugged. “When I was trying to talk to her about it, she got upset. She said she shouldn’t need it in the first place. But that shouldn’t matter; some people do and some don’t. Some people can eat right and exercise and meditate and they’re evened out. And some people need more. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“It’s nothing to be proud of.” Evan said as he looked down somberly at his bulging bag, picturing all the letters he had written to himself. Nothing had changed. He might as well tear them all up and crawl into a hole.

“Bull. I’ve seen how hard it is for you to talk to people. To follow through with a stranger and have them open you up and dig in your mind? It’s more than most people do.”

“It doesn’t feel like much. Well…”

“What’s up?”

Evan shrugged his hunched shoulders. “I guess in a way, it sort of helped me get a friend. You see, Connor saw one by accident one the first day of school.”

“Oh god, did he make fun of you?”

“No, no...he got mad because I...I mentioned Zoe.”

“Oooh. Yeesh, he must have been pissed.”

Evan smiled grimly. “Yeah...and then the next day he came up to me and was still mad, but...I don’t know. I think after seeing me he realized Zoe would never look at me, so…we’re cool mostly. I guess we’re friends, but Connor’s pretty...intense some days.”

“You can say asshole. And anyway, someone who’s talked to you for long enough would know you’re a decent guy and god knows there aren’t many decent people running around.”

“You’re pretty decent. In a good way. You’re good-nice.”

“I try. Well, when I have the energy. How is therapy? I mean, do you like it at all?”

“It’s okay...sometimes when it’s done, I feel like...there was this pressure on my chest. Sometimes it builds up. Or you know when you’re itching, but you don’t have rash or a scab or anything but you’re still itching for no reasons? After some sessions, I just feel like it goes away for a while…”

“And when it comes back?”

“It...sucks. A lot. Sometime it gets so bad, I just want to…”

“Walk away and hide somewhere? Aurelia does the same thing, when things get too much for her.” Mindy explained at Evan’s surprised expression. “Some days are better than others. She likes to be out of the house with her boyfriend. It’s healthier than being home and I don’t blame her for wanting to get away.”

Mindy stared off to the playground where kids were chasing each other up and down the obstacle course. A few moms sat at the benches either reading or talking or on their phones, but always glancing up every few minutes to look where their kid was. One girl was on the swing and chattering away to her dad, who was trying to tie her sneaker. Mindy smiled sadly and looked away.

“It’s not easy to get away. Aurelia says that sometimes, no matter what she does or where she goes, it follows her. She thinks about what she said and what someone said back and over thinks and over analyzes and she tries to stop...but she can’t. And when she can’t handle the emotions, she gets mad, acts in a way she knows is wrong. When that happens, she feels even worse about herself. It’s a shitty cycle and she doesn’t know how to stop it.”

“That sounds...awful.” Evan was holding his half eaten sandwich in loose fingers. _“And familiar…”_

“Yeah. The worst part is, I can read all about psychology and therapy and shit, but I can’t help her. I don’t know what to do, aside from listen when she needs to vent or do little things to make her happy for a bit.” Mindy smiled ruefully as she picked at her noodles. “But it doesn’t make things better. Not really.”

“It might though. It’s nice to know you can talk to someone who won’t just ignore it or try to fit into a role they think they should play.” Evan told her softly. “It would make them feel bad, for putting pressure on you, making you feel obligated to help solve a problem they didn’t even create.”

Mindy watched him carefully. “You have a good point. Evan, do you mind if I ask something?”

“Okay.”

“What do you and Connor talk about?”

Evan bit his lip. “Not much. It’s...what’s the word? Sporadic. The first time we emailed was because he asked me to send him notes from a class he skipped. I had it too, in a different period. Sometimes he sends links to music or jokes...sometimes he’ll talk about other stuff, but then he stops right away. It’s like he doesn’t want to give much away, but I understand, we don’t each other that well and there’s a lot of stuff I haven’t talked about to him, so…”

“I get it. Sorry, I was just curious. Connor doesn’t seem like he’d be the kind of person to open up right away.” Mindy said absently.

The rest of the conversation was pretty light. Evan talked about some hobbies, a little about school, they rehashed the movie. But in the back of her mind, Mindy was thinking about Connor.

_“Even for someone Connor’s been talking to for a few months, it seems like Evan doesn’t know that much about him…”_

Mindy smiled and pushed her thoughts away as Evan showed her pictures he had taken of trees on his stint as a park ranger.

“And see, this one is perfect for Halloween, right?” Evan pointed to a picture that he angled upward to enhance the height of the dead maple tree. “The way it’s branches are spread out-doesn’t it look just like arms and fingers or something?”

“It does,” Mindy grinned. “Man, wouldn’t it be cool to go on a walk through a forest of trees like this? Instead of a haunted house, it’d just be an open area, with some boundaries, and people would dress up like they do for the houses and scare the shit out of you.”

“I always get lost in haunted houses. And anxious. Like, if I ask one of the employees for directions maybe that’ll ruin the atmosphere?”

“Fuck them. They work there and you paid money to get in. They damn well better answer your questions.”

Evan smiled for a brief moment before going back to his photos. “I...I feel stupid for canceling going to the tree planting...but this is still fun.”

“Good. I’m sorry though.” Mindy said as she looked over his shoulder. “Maybe next time?”

‘Maybe...it’s a bit fast. I was really excited, but then I kept coming up with all these reasons not to go, and when Alana double checked with me, I just blurted out I couldn’t.” Evan said with a sigh.

“Well, look at it this way. Yeah, you might have missed out, but you did help them with that scrapbook.” Mindy told him. “That was really nice of you.”

Evan stuttered continuously in reply.

“So, you’re worried they won’t want you to join a meeting again because you flaked? Evan, you could have been a dick and not even given them the book. They’re retarded if they wouldn’t want you to come for a meeting in their shitty club.”

“....was that supposed...to be a pep talk?”

“Yeah, sure.”

By the time Evan and Mindy had parted ways, she definitely felt better at least; she almost wanted to see if he wanted to hang out Sunday, but then she thought it might be a bit much. Besides, she actually had homework to do. The next night she was just finishing a paper when she got a text from Connor.

C: Hey, are you busy Monday night?

Mindy blinked and set down her pencil.

M: No, why? How’re you feeling today?

She sent the text and continued her work while she waited; Connor had been keeping contact with her through text and even a couple of calls while he was out, but Mindy tried not to bother him too much. He was sick after all.

C: I’m better. My mom wants you over for dinner Monday. Also, she liked the cookies.

Mindy was just in the middle of texting when she got another message.

C: Can I call you?

Mindy looked up her contacts; there were over twenty, but only a few were people and not companies, take out places, or police department numbers. With Connor’s, her mom’s, her dad’s, and Aurelia’s cell phone number, there were five in all.

 _“Well, with Evan there’s six.”_ Mindy thought as she waited for the dial tone; it beeped twice before Connor picked up. She frowned; his voice sounded thick.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You sound shitty.”

“Thanks. Yeah, my throats just sore and my head feels foggy.” Connor answered as he lounged back on his bed.

“Did you get homework attachments from school?”

“Yeah.”

“....did you do any of them?”

“Some.”

“I get you need rest when you’re sick, but if you’re well enough to play video games and attempt sneak into your mom’s medicine cabinet to find oxycon, I think you can finish some worksheets and read a few chapters.” Mindy had asked Connor to contact her whenever he felt like he needed a fix.

“Yeah, yeah. My dad was debating on whether to even give me cold medicine. He thought I might have been pretending to be sick just to get some. Can you believe that shit?”

“Well...my dad would say all kinds of things to get us to give him money for drugs.” Mindy said carefully.

“It’s not the same.”

“Okay, but do your parents know that? And Connor, you told me when you’re not feeling good you crave them. It may not be too extreme, but if you’re willing to steal and lie just to get some pills because you feel you need them that bad, that’s not nothing.”

Mindy sighed as she heard the line disconnect; she knew it wasn’t what Connor wanted to hear, but it was the truth. Pot was one thing if taken in moderation at a certain age, but pills that carried the same chemicals and proponents of heroin or meth were trouble. She knew that well enough; Mat had actually taken it upon himself to lecture her about the dangers of morphine and narcotic based medicine.

 _“So you stick with crack still….geez, what a joke.”_ Mindy shook her head to clear it. If Connor wanted to bury his head in the sand, there wasn’t much she could do.

But just as she was going to continue her writing, Connor’s ID flashed on the screen. Mindy eyed it but slide the green button to accept the call.

“Hello?”

“I didn’t mean to do that. You’re right.”

Mindy leaned back in her chair. “I’m not saying it to make you feel bad.”

“I know.”

“You don’t want to talk about it now, right?”

A brief silence. “No.”

“Okay.” Mindy said easily. “So, what about Monday?”

“My mom wants you to come over. Are you allergic to anything? She wants to know.”

“Nope, just bullshit.”

“Uh-oh. Better check the menu.”

Mindy laughed. “Seriously, that’s considerate of her. Should I bring something? I just got this great new bundt cake recipe. Does everyone like chocolate?”

Another pause, but longer. “Zoe was always crazy for it. I think...yeah, it should be fine. You don’t have to though, like, my parents won’t not feed you if you don’t bring something.”

“My mom said if someone invites you over and you have time, it’s polite to bring something along. Besides, I like baking and you’ll be able to tell me if it’s good.”

“I don’t know if you should put that much trust in my palate.”

“As long as you like it, that’s all that matters.” Mindy said. “What time should I come over?”

“Six is good. My mom likes routine and my dad comes home just about then.” Connor said carelessly. “Can you make it by then?”

“Hey, I’m mexican, not mexican’t.”

“That was awful.” Connor’s snort of amusement said otherwise. “I thought you were only half?”

“Hm...so I can only half show up...it’ll be hard to eat with only half my body there….”

“Now that was just lame.”

“I try.” Mindy lowered her voice. “Connor, how was your day overall?”

“I didn’t feel like getting high as shit and threatening my sister in a rage if that’s what you mean.”

Connor said tonelessly.

“Did something else happen? You sound funny.”

“I got into a fight with Zoe. She got all pissy because ‘I took the last box of tissues’.” Connor said in a mockingly girlish voice. “I’m fucking sick too.”

“Why not share them?”

“....”

“Well, it’s an idea.”

“...I didn’t think of it.” Connor told her shortly; he wanted to bury his head under his pillow. _“Great, as if I didn’t come off as enough of a selfish prick.”_

“Just try to think of it next time.” Mindy suggested. “Sharing is caring.”

“I’ve seen the light.”

“Oh, don’t act like you don’t care. If you didn’t you wouldn’t have been ready to strangle Evan when you found out about his crush on Zoe.”

Connor sat up in bed. “Where’d you hear that?”

“Evan-”

“Mindy, can you help me?!”

“Hang on,” Mindy said quickly. “Okay ma, I’m just getting off the phone with Connor!”

“Sorry sweetie, I forgot how to turn on the station for the DVD player!”

“Hey Connor, I gotta help my ma and finish homework.”

“Okay.”

“You still don’t sound very good.” Mindy told him. “Will you be able to come to school tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I should be.”

“Good.” Mindy sighed. “See you tomorrow, get some more rest.”

“Night.” Connor hung up first and tossed his phone on the desk before ducking under the covers. _“She probably was getting tired of talking to me. Doesn’t want to hear the junkie complain about his stupid problems when she had her own with another drugged out asshole…”_

 _“Shut up.”_ he tried to tell himself, but how do you stop your own thoughts? _“Mindy-what’d she say? I shouldn’t force it out, I should just let them come, but all I can think about is-”_

Connor pressed his face into the pillow and tried to breathe; his room was too hot, but he broke his fan. He wiped his hair off his forehead and glumly looked up at the ceiling as his mind tried to convince him that if he called her back or texted he was having an emergency, she wouldn’t even pick up.

_“Shut up!”_

After a moment he looked at his phone; Mindy had said to contact her whenever, but he knew she was busy. She couldn’t be his sponsor, like they had in AA and shit.

She had a life and people who counted on her already. She couldn’t drop everything for one freak who didn’t have anyone else to talk to.

Connor scooted over in bed and connected his phone to the charger.

_“Just in case…”_


	13. Chapter 13

“That’s beautiful.” Mindy took the phone from Evan’s hand. “When did you get this?”

“It was about six in the morning I think.” Evan told her with an excited smile. “I was feeling antsy because my arm, I couldn’t use it much, so I thought going for a walk might help. I think, um, I’m pretty sure the sun had just come up and the light was just…”

“Fucking perfect?” Mindy finished as she looked over the photo; it had been taken from a just slightly upward angle. It was another maple, but this one had full leave, bright and newly turned orange and red. The sunlight was streaming through them tiniest gaps and if she looked closer Mindy could even see the particles of dust floating in the crisp air. “This picture is fall. Like, this could be in a tourist guide brochure for our town.”

“I don’t know...i just thought it looked nice. Like, you know trees aren’t alive, but it looks alive. Almost...powerful? Like it could be alive.”

“If you contrasted this is a frame with that dead tree, people would be calling you an artist. To think something like this could look so beautiful and healthy, but then time does it’s thing and poof-next ya know it’s a spooky ass tree.”

Evan laughed shortly. “Yeah.”

“Hey Evan, hand me the eggs?” Mindy pointed to the carton on the table; the whole surface with cluttered with food and measuring cups and a hand mixer. “Just get five.”

“Okay.” Evan picked them up one at a time. “Do we put it in the butter and sugar mix?”

“Nope, now we have to mix this in a separate bowl with the buttermilk and the vanilla.”

“Why?”

“I’m not sure. Aurelia said depending on how you mix certain thing together, the consistency can come out shitty. Oh shit, the eggs aren’t at room temperature…” Mindy was checking the recipe for the hundredth time. There were twenty steps and fifteen ingredients, and that was just for the cake alone.

“Should we let them sit out?”

“Nah, it won’t hurt it much. Also, I don’t feel like waiting. Wait, you were right, these go in the butter and sugar mix and the espresso goes into the milk and vanilla one.”

“Oh okay.” Evan watched curiously as she cracked each egg on the side of the blow with one hand, her fingers pulling back one part of the shell to let the inside ooze out. “How are you doing that? I mean, without getting pieces of the shell in there?”

“Being really fucking careful. I literally just learned how to do this.” Mindy confessed; each egg had to be blended in one at a time, and she didn’t feel like stopping the hand mixer each time to get it done. Evan was already measuring out vanilla painfully slow into a teaspoon as he held his breath.

“Hey Mindy.” Aurelia came into the kitchen with a half smile, her short hair slightly mussed and her eyes tired. “Oh hi.”

“Hi…”

“Hey Aurelia, this is Evan.”

“I thought you went to school?”

“Nope, it’s a staff meeting day.” Mindy told her; she had only just remembered when she looked at her calendar the night before. She had hoped to see Connor at school, but then, if he got this extra day to rest, he might feel a lot better. Besides, it also gave her extra time to bake the cake.

“You could use one of my recipes for the cake next time if you want.” Aurelia told her while she filled up their tea kettle with water from the sink.

“Thanks.” Mindy said as she cracked the last egg; Evan was stirring, eyes down and shoulders hunched. “Evan, show Aurelia that picture.” she turned to her sister. “It’s so cool, he took it himself.”

Aurelia came over and peered at the phone Evan held out with a timid smile. “It’s pretty.”

“I took it in the morning.” Evan cringed inwardly at the statement, but Aurelia didn’t seem to notice as she turned back to Mindy.

“Did mom tell you if he was staying over tonight?”

“Um, I don’t think so…” Mindy tried to recall; typically her dad stayed over and sometimes slept over one night a week. He didn’t have cable at his place (couldn’t keep up with the bill) and he caught up with his shows at their place.

“I hope not. Why the hell does he need to come over?” Aurelia grumbled as she searched for a tea bag in her wooden box; she had gotten it to organize all her flavors. They helped her calm down.

“Well, to watch TV. And you know how he is, he gets lonely.”

“He doesn’t even talk to us when he comes over, he just watches TV and eats our food.” Aurelia scoffed. Mindy tried to say the next sentence very carefully.

“Well, you know, it’s like how Michelle goes to the library. She doesn’t like talking to people but she likes being around them.”

“Well, he’s not special needs. Why doesn’t he just go somewhere else then?”

Mindy shrugged and busied herself with mixing flour and cocoa. “I don’t know, he said he wants to be around us. I don’t really care, just as long as he doesn’t bug mom.”

“I’d like to be home and relax without hearing him bitch at the TV.”

“I know, but don’t you usually just leave with Travis?” Mindy wanted to grimace at the look on Aurelia’s face.

“I shouldn’t have to go somewhere else. It’s my house.”

“I’m sorry, but there’s not much I can do. Mom says it’s okay, i’m just going along with it.”

“Whatever.” Aurelia took her steaming mug and stormed off in a quiet huff.

“Um….”

“Sorry Evan.”

“Oh no, it’s your house, you can...argue, if you want to…”

Mindy smiled at him. “It wasn’t appropriate to talk about in front of you. Aurelia just…”

“You don’t have to explain to me.”

“I know.” Mindy said softly as she began mixing the flour with the egg and butter mix, keeping the bowl steady with one hand while the other held the mixer tight on the lowest setting.

Evan chewed on his lower lip. “Mindy...are you okay?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. I see where she’s coming from. He just comes over, eats and turns up the volume too loud, maybe tries to talk to us. But then, Aurelia doesn’t talk to him barely.”

“Then...wouldn’t she be glad he’s leaving her alone?”

“She feels like he should be trying harder still. It’s a mess.”

“What about you?”

“Me? I talk to him. I try to keep a healthy distance. It’s the best way if I want to keep him in my life.” Mindy said. Not that she could understand why she still did. “I love my dad, really, but if he just disappeared one day...you’ll think I’m a bitch for saying so, but our lives would be better.”

Evan slowly stirred his bowl of ingredients. “I…”

“I know...its awful, but it’s true. My feelings aside, it’s true.”

“That’s really sad.”

“Yeah….it could be worse though. At one point I wouldn’t have even cried if something happened to him. I’d just be relieved. We’ve come a long way.” Mindy thought of her dad’s relapse. “For the most part.”

“I...don’t know what to say. My dad isn’t around, he um, you know, he’s alive, but he’s married and living in another state and I don’t see him much, I don’t know, I guess we’ve grown apart a lot but if something happened to him…”

“Does he call you? Text? email? “

“Not really. Sometimes.”

“I hate that in between thing, don’t you?” Mindy smiled humorlessly. “When someone you love is in your life, but not, or you wish they weren’t even though you love them.”

“Yeah.” Evan said with a comprehending frown. “Yeah. It does suck. I know my mom would probably react like your sister if he came over to visit….I don’t know how I’d feel. It’s like, what would we even talk about? I haven’t seen him in a few years and any calls are so short and-and-”

“Vague and general?”

“Yeah, exactly! Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so loud.”

“No, it’s fine. I mean, you think your family would always be the ones you can turn to when the rest of the world doesn’t care, but it’s just not how it goes. You can’t count on everyone and even the ones you can count on, they just can’t always be there for you how you’d like.”

Evan thought of his mom, trying so hard but falling short. Their awkward pep talks and strained conversations. He was well aware she didn’t quite know what to do with him.

“You can still love someone and let them down.”

Mindy smiled as she poured the milk and vanilla mix into the biggest bowl. “What a bitch, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I gotta say though, it’s worth it.” Mindy told him. “For me anyway, to keep contact with my dad, even if it’s a little. I guess most people would think I should cut him out completely, but...too much has happened. I wish it were that simple...but I love him. I never stopped…”

“If he’s causing you so much problems, wouldn’t it be more worth it to...not have anything to do with him?” Evan suggested quietly as he fiddled with his spoon. “God knows my mom would have an easier time if I wasn’t-but, she’s my mom, so she sort of has to be there-”

“No she doesn’t. Hell, if she wanted to, she could abandon you just like that. It doesn’t matter if she’s your mom, at least that doesn’t matter to all people. Some people shouldn’t be parents; luckily your mom doesn’t seem like the kind of person who’d leave you on your own to make things easier for herself.”

“No...she wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, she loves you.” Mindy said with a small grin. “And I love my dad. Maybe it would be better for me in some ways to tell him to fuck off, but I know that I would regret that a lot more than having him in my life. That’s just the kind of person I am.” her grin grew wider. “Besides, your mom would be crazy not to love you. Look at you, helping me out with this stuff instead of enjoying your day off.”

“But I am enjoying this.” Evan replied with a half grin. “I’ve never baked like this and my mom...she kept asking if I wanted to hang out with you since there was no school….”

“You’re just here because she made you?”

“No!”

“Just fucking with you.” Mindy laughed as she slowly spooned the batter into the round pan. “I know what you mean. When Aurelia first started dating Travis, my mom kept telling her to go out as much as she wanted and then when she started being friends with his friends, she couldn’t have been happier.”

“Oh...did that sound weird?” Mindy wondered as she popped the pan into the preheated oven. “Like implying that we should date or something?”

“That’s nice for her to be so encouraging.” Evan said as he began to help put away the containers and used cups. “If I started d-date-going out with someone, my mom would keel over. She’d die just from shock.”

“Hey, just in time for Halloween.”

“Do you believe in ghosts?” Evan asked absently.

“Sort of. Like, I don’t care about ouija boards since they’re from the same assholes who made monopoly, but I still wouldn’t fuck with one. Like, why tempt fate?” Mindy said with a shrug. “I mean, fuck real haunted houses, I’m not messing with that shit.”

“I’d go. It’d be cool. Maybe they’d be friendly.”

“No offense Evan, but if I were a ghost and didn’t know who you were, I don’t think I’d be in the mood to see tree pics.”

“So, if you died and your spirit was around, you’d be okay with me showing you trees?”

“...well yeah, of course. But I’d still be a bit preoccupied with the whole death thing.”

Hanging out with Evan was nice. He was still a bit edgy and jumpy, but the longer they would speak, it seemed the easier he felt about talking; Mindy liked talking to him. It was all so nice and simple,

To be honest, the whole day Mindy was feeling pretty nervous herself.

“I’ve never been to anyone’s house before...what do people usually do? If Cynthia’s making dinner should i help her or stay out of the way? Or should I go with Connor or try to make small talk with the rest of his family? This is stressful…”

Mindy held tightly to her cake as she walked to his house; though her mom had offered to drive her, Mindy had wanted the extra time to clear her head.

“Is what I’m wearing okay?” she looked down at her somewhat battered sneakers and blouse before taking a quick look at the cake; she had bought a container with handles just for the occasion. “I hope they like the cake…god, please don’t make me look too awkward...”

As soon as Mindy reached the house and rang the doorbell, the the door swung open and Cynthia’s smiling face popped out at her.

“Mindy, hi! I’m almost done with the food, come in, come in. Oh, take off your shoes if you don’t mind, I just cleaned the floors.”

“Oh yes.” Mindy carefully slipped them off and put them next to the pairs on the carpet. There was a pair of white flats, a pair of large polished  black dress shoes, and a set of scuffed and worn boots. Mindy smiled at them all in a row.

“Everyone’s here, my husband is finishing up a business call...Zoe, you know her? She’s in her room.” Cynthia went over to the kitchen; Mindy followed clutching the cake in both hands.

“Thank you for having me.” she said in a meek voice that made her blush. “Um, I made something for dessert. It’s chocolate bundt cake, is that okay?”

Cynthia’s eyes darted over to the container. “Oh I didn’t even notice!” she came forward and took the cake with a gracious smile, looking it over with wide eyes. “Oh gosh it’s just beautiful…”

“I was hoping it’d come out looking like the picture.” Mindy clasped her hands together, playing with her clammy fingers.

“It’s lovely, thank you. I’ll put it in the fridge for after dinner.” Cynthia walked over to a stainless steel refrigerator and Mindy gaped slightly; now that she looked around, everything about the kitchen looked like something from a magazine. The dining room was even a separate room with a table big enough for eight people at least. Mindy snapped out of her daze as Cynthia scurried over to a spotless counter to toss a large salad with wooden tongs; she looked around and noticed the table was bare.

“Would you like me to set the table?”

Cynthia paused. “What?”

“Um, i can set up the plates and forks if you don’t mind showing me where they are.”

“Oh...thank you.” Cynthia looked around the kitchen. “They plates are in this cabinet and this drawer has utensils. We’ll need,” she counted in her head. “Five spoons, five forks, and five sharp knives.”

Mindy saw the knife block in the corner and nodded. “Okay no problem. Five cups too?”

“Yes, they’re next to the plates.” Cynthia gave her a peculiar smile before turning back to the salad. “Connor’s dad just made steaks on the grill out back. I thought we’d have something special, Connor’s never had guests-”

Cynthia put her fingers to her mouth and looked back at Mindy in a startled way as though she had just uttered a swear word. “Oh I shouldn’t have-”

“I, um, I’ve never been over to anyone’s house before.” Mindy was halfway done with setting out plates and cups. “I don’t talk to people much at all...talking to Connor is nice. When he told me about tonight, I was really excited to come over and meet you all.”

Cynthia laughed softly. “Well, we’re glad to have you.”

Mindy set down the spoons and forks before the knives to avoid an accident. “Thanks. Is there anything else you need help with?”

“Um, no...well, you could help me cut up the bread into slice.” Cynthia pointed to where a loaf of bread sat on a cutting board.

Mindy nodded and went right over. “Do you want them thin?”

“Not too much-that’s good sweetie.” Cynthia went back to her salad and added some sort of oil. “Your mom must love having your around to help in the kitchen.”

“I guess. I mean, I make dinner, but my mom doesn’t get home until later, so it’s already done by the time she’s there. When we get the time around Christmas we make cookies together though.”

“How long have you been cooking?”

Mindy tried to think. “I...I guess the first real kind of food I made I was nine. I made spaghetti with ground beef, but I forgot to drain the fat, so it came out a little greasy.”

“You boiled the noodles yourself?”

“Yes. I was careful though!” Mindy added as she sliced the bread into even pieces. “I used a stool and everything. It didn’t come out all that great, but my mom said it was good anyway.”

“I’m sure she’s happy to have the help.” Cynthia told her with an odd look. “If you don’t mind me asking, what about your father?”

Mindy laughed so suddenly it startled Cynthia.  
“Oh no, he-” Mindy stopped herself. “He, uh...isn’t around much.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, trust me.” Mindy clamped her mouth shut with a shy smile. “I mean, he’s okay. He tries.”

Cynthia gave her a small small. “That’s nice.”

“Yeah..” Mindy kept her mouth shut. “Oh god shut me up, shut me up, shut me up…”

“Mom-oh.” Zoe was halfway down the stairs, bare foot and wearing what looked like pajamas. “Oh, hi.”

“Zoe, are you ready for dinner?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re still wearing your pjs.”

“I’ve been sick.” Zoe said as she hopped over to her mom and plucked a tomato from the salad bowl. “Connor hates tomatoes.”

“Well, he can pick them out.” Cynthia sighed.

“I’ll eat his.” Mindy said conversationally.

“You’re in my gym class.”

Mindy nodded; if someone told her she would be having dinner in Zoe Murphy’s house one day, she’d have thought ‘bull’.

“Are you really friends with my brother?”

‘Zoey, please.”

“I was just wondering.”

“Yeah, I am.” Mindy smiled. “Thanks for having me. I made cake. He told me you really like chocolate.”

Zoe’s dull eyes narrowed. “When?”

“Last night. I was talking with him on the phone and I asked if it was okay for me to bring dessert, and he said you were crazy for chocolate.”

“It’s good.” Zoe said nonchalantly before she realized how rude it must have sounded. “Sorry, I do like it a lot.”

“It’s okay. I hope it isn’t too sweet.” Mindy finished with the bread.’Um, Cynthia,” she said tentatively; most adults were ma’am, sir, or Mr. or Ms. etc. Calling an sult by their first name so casually felt almost scandalous. “Where do you want this?”

“Oh, just put it on that little basket-wait, Zoe hand it to Mindy, then you can put it on the table.”

“Okay mom.” Zoe sighed loudly and took the bread. “Thanks Mindy, now she’s putting me to work.”

Mindy was about to apologize when Cynthia let out a chuckle.

“Don’t mind us, everyone in the family had dry humor. Connor loved joking around when he was little…” Cynthia trailed off; Zoe looked back at her quickly with a somber stare before going back to setting the rest of the table. “Mindy?”

“Yes?”

“Do you...like Connor?”

“Yeah.” Mindy said readily. “I mean, at first we didn’t get along much-”

“Yeah, you mean how he punched your locker?”

“What?!”

“Oh yeah.” Mindy said sheepishly; Zoe didn’t look apologetic in the slightest. “I’m not sure what that was about still...but he apologized later., Next thing you know, we’re talking about stuff and doing homework together. We’re cool now.”

“Oh...that’s nice honey.” Cynthia looked vaguely faint.

Zoe stared at her. “Okay...if you want to put up with him.”

Mindy felt a bit bothered. “I like Connor well enough. I’m not putting up with him.”

Zoe gave her a long look as if deciding whether she should say something more, but before she could come to a choice, Larry came in from the sliding door, making Mindy jump slightly.

“All done. Oh hello.” Larry caught sight of Mindy and smiled. “You must be Mindy; it’s nice to meet you.”

“You too sir, thank you for having me.”

Larry held out his hand and to shake her and released it with an approving nod. “Nice grip.”

Mindy giggled sheepishly. “Thanks. Do you need help with anything?”

“She’s been helping me for a bit now, you’d think we were the guests.” Cynthia added with a warm smile that made Mindy’s cheeks burn. Larry was frowning.

“Where’s Connor? He should be helping, it’s his friend that’s over-no offense Mindy.”

“Oh no,” Mindy shook her head. “I understand.”

“Connor,” Cynthia said pointedly. “Is finishing his homework like we asked.”

“Oh. Good.” Larry said with a hint of embarrassment. “Zoe, put these on the table for me? I want to have a word with Mindy here.”

“Okay dad.” Zoe said tiredly. “Mindy, do you want a pillow? It might take a while.”

Larry sent his daughter a dry smile. “You and Connor got that sarcasm from your mother.”

“Me?” Cynthia laughed in disbelief and amusement.

“No, their cousins.” Larry paused as Zoe and Cynthia joined in laughter. “Okay, point taken...Mindy, I just wanted to ask you a few things, if that’s okay.”

“Sure.” Mindy nodded curiously; what could he mean?

“First off...do you do any drugs?”

“Larry!”

“It’s fine ma’am, I understand…” Mindy said sheepishly while Cynthia shook her head in exasperation. “No sir, no drugs.”

“Do you drink?”

“No.”

“Smoking?”

Mindy made a face. “No way, the smoke bothers my nose.”

“Have you been in trouble with police?”

Mindy briefly remember her mother and all the times she had called the cops in their old neighborhood to have them deal with their father. Sometimes they believed her dad when he said she was the one on drugs. Or they would put him in jail for a night, which made him angrier when he did come home. One cop said he wouldn’t do anything unless her mother slept with him; Mindy had mixed feelings about cops.

“No sir, none at all.”

“How’s school?”

“I get A’s and B’s mostly.”

“Plans for college?”

“Community; I’m going for a degree in human services for children and adolescents.” Mindy half expected him to ask her about her plans for careers and a retirement plan.

“And how do you take your steak?”

Mindy beamed. “Medium rare.”

“Alrighty then, you pass.” Larry held out his hand while Zoe and Cynthia exchanged looks. “Good manners too. Your parents must be proud.”

“My mom says I’m her rock.” Mindy said as she shook his hand. “Is there anything else you wanted to know?”

Larry shrugged. “Is Connor blackmailing you?”

“Larry!”

“I was thinking the same thing.” Zoe piped up from the table as she poured herself a cup of juice.

“Oh god, can you two just-? We have a guest.” Cynthia narrowed her eyes at them. “Mindy came here to meet us, not get the third degree.”

“Cynthia, I’m just making sure.” Larry said calmly. “So, Mindy, why are you friends with my son?”

Cynthia threw her hands up in the air and stalked off to serve the steaks.

“I like Connor.” Mindy wondered how many more times she would have to say it, but then, with the kind of reputation Connor had at school, she could only imagine what it was like living with him.

Larry seemed to think on this. Zoe had a more direct approach.

“Why?”

Cynthia stared at her. “Zoey, that’s your brother.”

“Yeah and he’s a psycho jerk.” Zoe reminded her; she gave Mindy a sympathetic look. “I never see you talking to anyone at school.”

Mindy gave her a half smile. “Yeah. I don’t mean to be...standoffish. I’ve always liked going off on my own. But, it is nice to to talk to people now and then. I’ve only been here a for a bit, but you all seem very nice.”

“Why Connor?”

Cynthia set down a plate harder than she intended. “Zoe, is it that hard to believe someone wants to be your brother’s friend? This isn’t the time to talk about...about problems…”

Zoe looked away. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. To be honest, I don’t like everything about Connor, and sometimes he...well, he can be difficult.” Mindy said carefully. “It was sort of a fluke we started hanging out and it’s not easy...but I’m glad I know him now. I was wrong about a lot of things. In a way, Connor sort of helped me see some things I was doing that weren’t so great. Until recently, I never thought of him as someone who could be so...I don’t know, someone I can enjoy talking to. I’m glad we’re on good terms now.”

Cynthia’s eyes were glistening; Larry and Zoe didn’t look like they quite knew what to say. Just as the silence was becoming odd, Mindy heard footsteps come down the stairs. Connor stood a moment later at the entrance to the kitchen with a frown.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“Hey Connor. Your family’s nice.” Mindy smiled and got up to meet him; she turned to Cynthia, who was clearing her throat and blinking her eyes quickly. “Can i show Connor the cake real quick?”

“Oh yes, yes, of course.”

Connor followed Mindy to the refrigerator with a wary expression; he bent down to look over the cake.

“It’s like a donut.”

“What? I...donut believe that.”

“Oh god you suck.”

Mindy snickered. “You’ll be singing a different tune once you taste it.”

“Yeah, I’ll work on my vocal exercises.” Connor said dully; he was just about to go into the dining room when he caught his family’s eyes on him. “What?”

“Um, Connor, show Mindy where to sit while I get the salad.” Cynthia told him. “Zoe, help me serve?”

“Seriously?”

“Sweetie, just do it.”

“I can help.” Mindy piped up. “I mean, you spent all this time cooking, I feel bad just sitting here.”  
“No, just relax you’ve helped enough.” Cynthia gave her a smile before disappearing into the kitchen with Zoe. Mindy was looking at them with mild puzzlement.

“What’s with that look?”

“Oh, I just remembered something.” Mindy replied mildly. “My mom told me her mom always made her and her sister serve her dad and brothers first. Some old traditional thing.” she chuckled. “My mom didn’t mind, but my aunt would and when she was five she went on strike.”

“How’d that end?” Larry asked as he settled himself in.

“Oh, nothing. My grandma told her if that’s how she felt, she could make her own meals. She was very traditional. To be fair, if I was married, I’d probably want to spoil my husband all the time.” Mindy laughed.

“Typically it’s the other way around.” Larry commented.

“Dad, it’s the twenty first century.”

“And yet, we don’t have hovercrafts.”

Mindy smiled at them. “Personally I’m waiting for time machines...oh, wait, maybe not…”

“Why?” Connor spoke up as he played with his fork.

“I’m mixed so, ah, going to a certain time period might not be the best idea…”

“Oh, what are you?”

“Larry, that’s not something you just ask someone.” Cynthia said as she brought out the salad and began giving a serving to everyone.

Larry shrugged. “Just wondering.”

“I’m white and mexican. Half and half, like coffee.”

Connor snorted and choked; he was right in the middle of taking a drink of his water. As it splashed over his shirt, he was still laughing.

“Connor, gross!” Zoe pushed back in her chair.

“Here,” Larry handed his son ana extra napkin through his own chuckles. “So which side is your mother on?”

“She’s mexican, but she looks indian. Oh, native american I mean.” Mindy corrected herself. “It’s real funny, she’ll come from the gym where it’s mostly other hispanics. She thinks they’re staring at her because she lifts weights, but I tell her it’s probably because they thought there weren’t anymore of her left in the area.”

“Oh god-!” Cynthia slapped two hands over her mouth; the snort she l;et out was just like Connor’s. “Oh sorry, I shouldn’t laugh.”

“No, it’s pretty funny.” Larry smiled; it was the first time he really had since Mindy had been there. Zoe was staring in slight wonder at her family; they were all smiling to varying degrees and they were all in the same room together. She smiled just a bit as she sipped her drink. Mindy looked down at her plate with a shy grin, cheeks flushed.

Dinner went decently; Connor barely said a word, but his mood wasn’t surly or sullen. He was just quiet. Zoe was quiet in a more placid way; Cynthia was chattering on and asking question after question while Larry added in one now and then, content to let his wife carry most of the conversation. Mindy was tickled; she knew part of it was for her benefit, but they all seemed almost normal. Painfully so.

Mindy blinked her eyes as she ate Connor’s tomatoes. “It’s not perfect, no family is...but this is nice, in a different sort of way….is this what...we could have been like?”

If Aurelia was more open or if Michelle wasn’t autistic. If her mother wasn’t worn from years of battling to keep them together. If her dad wasn’t too far gone just yet.

“Mindy, this cake is delicious.” Cynthia spoke up; she had insisted on serving everyone a slice right after dinner.

“Oh thank you…”

“I like this better than store bought.” Zoe commented; she was on her second piece.

“Aw, it’s okay…” Mindy blushed heavily.

“It’s fucking good, deal with it.”

“Connor, now?” Larry sighed but Mindy just smiled bashfully.

“Thanks. I had help making it though, so I can’t take all the credit.” Mindy confessed to Connor. “Evan actually helped me out today.”

“Evan?”

“Oh, he sits with me and Connor at lunch. He hung out with me today to help me.” Mindy said to a curious Cynthia, but before she could explain more, Connor cut her off.

“Why didn’t you ask me to come?”

Mindy looked at him. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t think of it. I thought maybe you’d want to stay home.”

Cynthia felt a sudden tension in the air; Zoe sent her a look from across the table. Larry himself seemed a bit confused at the sudden change; his son was glowering down at his slice of half eaten cake and Mindy was looking between him and them with a perturbed expression.

“Um, so, who thinks that new horror movie looks good?” Cynthia said suddenly. “You know, when the original came out, I wasn’t even allowed to see it people said it was so scary.”

“The original had weird effects.” Zoe said. “I never thought clowns were that scary. The new one might be better.”

“I saw it Friday.” Mindy spoke up, eager to latch onto a new topic.

“How was it? Was the new guy any good?” Zoe asked.

“Overall it was pretty good, but I have a hard time getting scared. Honestly, I kept trying not to laugh and talk during the movie-”

“Talk?” Connor said. “Why would you have a hard time not talking?”

Mindy smiled sheepishly. “I kept pointing out things that were weird to me. Evan went with, but he’s so quiet, I think I might have ruined it for him.”

“What?”

Mindy flinched at Connor’s tone. “What?”

“So, you went to the movie, one we were supposed to see, and you didn’t bother telling me?”

“You were sick, I didn’t think you’d be well enough to go…”

“So you go with someone else?”

“Connor, don’t be such a drama queen. What, she should have went alone?” Zoe snapped.

Mindy looked back and forth between them now; Connor looked like he was ready to throw something.

“Um, I was still going to see it with you when you got better.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Connor, what is your problem? Don’t talk to your guest that way.” Larry said sternly. “Can we have one dinner without turning it into a production?”

“Larry-”

“He’s acting like a little kid.”

“This isn’t the time-”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “When is it the time?”

“SHUT UP!” Connor sat up so fast he knocked over his chair; he sent a spiteful look at Mindy. “Sorry for ruining fucking dinner. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

“Connor, don’t walk away like that!” Cynthia cried after him as he stormed up to his room; the house seemed to shake as he slammed his door on all of them.

Zoe gave Mindy a thin smile. “Well, at least the cake was good.”

“Zoey, stop it, you were egging him on.”

“Mom, he was already pissed for no reason.” Zoe said indignantly. “How is it my fault he gets mad over nothing?”

Larry ran hand over his forehead. “So much for that.”

Cynthia’s eyes grew red from holding in tears. “Will you two please stop? Getting upset with him won’t help.”

“So, we just have to pretend everything’s fine?” Zoe asked incredulously.

“Um, excuse me...would it be alright if I went up to talk to him?” Mindy began hesitantly.

Cynthia looked worriedly up the stairs. “Honey, that might not be a good idea. Connor won’t listen while he’s this upset.”

“If he lays a finger on her, I’m calling the cops myself.” Larry said gravely; before Cynthia could say anything he cut her off. “Cynthia, you know how he gets. He’s eighteen and an adult and he needs to be held accountable when he can’t control himself. I’m not going to put someone in danger just because you don’t want to admit he’s not the sweet little boy anymore.”

“I never said that! God, do you even hear yourself? Do you really think Connor would-would-”

“He threatened to kill me and almost busted my door down.”

Cynthia gave Zoey a pleading look. “I know, but he was high. He didn’t know what he was saying, he would never do that to you sweetie.”

“He’s done a lot of things he ‘wouldn’t’ do.” Zoe said bitterly; her own eyes were looking red now.

Mindy stood up. “No offense sir, but Connor is a stick compared to me. If he tries anything, I can handle it. Ma’am, I won’t yell at him. I don’t want to leave without saying anything.” she gave them a bracing smile. “Trust me, I’ll be okay.”

With that, she walked upstairs and knocked on Connor’s door; she heard something crash to the ground.

“Leave. Me. Alone.”

“Connor...can I come in for a sec?”

“No.”

“Sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you.” Mindy opened the door and shut it behind her. “Anyway, we need to talk.”

“I said to leave me alone.”

Mindy watched as he stood next to the bed, fists balled up and shoulders shaking. He wouldn’t look at her; his chair and desk were toppled over.

“Connor, don’t do this...I didn’t mean to exclude you. You said you were sick and it’s not like hanging out with Evan over the weekend means we can’t hang out.” she tried to smile.

“Weekend?” Connor asked. “What does that mean? How many times did you see him?”

Mindy felt her bravado falter. “Well, we saw a movie Friday night...the next day we went to the park and today he helped me bake the cake…”

Connor sneered. "Sounds fun. So why did you come here?”

“Because I wanted to see you.” Mindy told him evenly. “What’s gotten into you? Are you high now?”

“Oh yeah, the freak is getting out of hand, he must be high.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

Mindy jumped in her skin as a sneaker was flung into the wall behind her, making a small crack in the drywall. A little closer and it would have hit her face.

“What the hell?!” she found herself trembling when he took a step forward.

“I told you to get the fuck out.”

“Stop it, Connor, you’re scaring me.”

“THEN LEAVE!”

Mindy flinched as he banged his fist on the bed post; for a moment they just stood there, her eyes wide and chin wobbling. He stared at her with a withering glare.

“Connor...you don’t mean that.”

“You’re so full of shit. I should have known.” Connor let out a bitter chuckle. “Go cry to Hansen. Don’t do it here. Just fucking leave me alone. Don’t talk to me, don’t even fucking look my way.”

Mindy’s expression fell; she didn’t feel scared anymore or angry or confused. She didn’t feel anything.

“I knew it. I should have fucking seen it coming…” Connor was mumbling to himself rapidly. “I don’t want you here.”

“But...I-”

“Leave.”

Connor sat on his bed and grabbed a book off the floor, proceeding to lie down and open it to the first page. Mindy didn’t look back as she gently closed the door; Cynthia was waiting by the foot of the stairs; Larry and Zoe were staring down at their placemats. Mindy offered a half smile.

“So...it looks like I’m not welcome anymore. Sorry. It’s sort of my fault dinner was messed up….”

“Oh please, it’s his fault!” Zoe jumped from her chair. “Mom, make him apologize! He’s being an asshole!”

“Zoey-”

“Thanks Zoe, but it won’t mean much. Connor said he wants me to leave him alone.” Mindy walked to the front door and slipped on her old sneakers. “Thank you guys again for having me, it was real good.”

Cynthia put a hand to her mouth. “Mindy, you...I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay, it’s not on you guys.” Mindy shrugged. “Have a good night.”

“But you can’t walk home now-”

“It’s fine. I need some fresh air, my house isn’t that far. Thank you though.” Mindy waved and smiled at them. “Night.”

She closed the door behind her and didn’t cry. On the long walk home, she didn’t cry. Not even when she got home and lied to her mother about how it went and got into bed.

“What did I expect really?” Mindy stared at her contact list. At Connor’s name. “I guess he won’t want me to have this huh?” she pressed delete and turned off her phone; the last thing she needed was a late night call from her dad for money.

“I should have known...why did I think things could ever be different?”

The hurt she felt was numbed by the time Mindy happened to wake up in the darkness. She pressed the power button on her phone to check the time. The screen shone and hurt her eyes; it said that it was nearly four in the morning. There were ten missed calls and ten voicemails from a number she didn’t recognize.

“Dad...did he use someone else’s phone?”

Mindy played the first one.

“Hey, it’s Connor. I...I need to talk to you. Call me back.”

She felt her mouth drop open as the recorder played one after the other.

“Pick up okay? I want to talk it out. I shouldn’t have gotten that pissed...I...I lost control.”

“What the fuck? I know you’re ignoring me, just pick up the fucking phone, I said I was wrong! You know, to hell with you then!”

“Are you just going to give me the cold shoulder now? Just going to run to fucking Hansen, your new best buddy? Well fine, see if I fucking care!”

“Oh my god…” Mindy felt herself go cold as the tone changed.

“Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have thrown that at you, but you know it’s hard, I can’t...I was angry, but it wasn’t your fault, okay? I’m sorry, call me back.”

“Mindy, what the fuck? I said I was sorry okay?! You can’t do this, you said I could-I could call you whenever. You said you…”

Connor’s voice rose and fell as he spoke, a hurried jumble of words and rapid breathing. He was hyperventilating.

“Please pick up...I don’t feel good. I-my head hurts. I take it all back, alright? I’m sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong, it was all me. Please pick up-” a choked noise and a loud sniff. “They hate me more than ever you know. My mom was crying, my dad couldn’t even look at me. I know I deserve it, I know you don’t want to talk to me again, but I-”

The message ended abruptly, running out of room for more. Mindy felt tears prick her eyes but didn’t bother to blink. She was sitting upright in the bed, staring blankly in the darkness.

“Mindy, I’m freaking out.” the voice was muffled and thick. “I-I found some pills. I don’t want to, I can’t breathe, I...just call me back okay? I need you to know you don’t hate me too. Please...please just call me back, text, whatever. I’ll be waiting.”

Mindy nearly dropped the phone; one message left.

“I’m sorry.”

She flipped through her call history and pressed Connor’s number; it was picked up immediately.

“Connor? Connor, are you there?!”

“Mindy?”

It was Zoe; she sounded lost.

“Yes, I-” Mindy stopped; there were other voices in the background. “Zoe, where’s Connor?”

“Mindy, it’s Cynthia. Connor’s...he’s in the hospital right now. He’s...oh god!”

Mindy felt her heart stop as Cynthia sobbed into the receiver, weeping brokenly.

“Connor….no…”


	14. Chapter 14

The first time Connor noticed her was years ago. It was in the eighth grade and he sat behind her in math; he already knew she was yet another person who wanted nothing to do with him. The only consolation was that it wasn’t personal. Mindy didn’t have anything to do with anyone; on good days, she would speak with curt civility and answer occasional questions in class, always in the same dulled tone. Other days, she wouldn’t make a sound; sometime she would be staring off at nothing in particular, eyes unblinking and vacant, as if she was blind.

Connor couldn’t help be a bit curious as to why. No one wanted to be alone, not really. Something must be wrong with her. Not that it mattered much; she left him alone, didn’t pick on him, didn’t give him reason to flip out.

It was near the end of the year when he saw it. As Connor ignored the lecture, looking for anything else to occupy his attention, his eyes traveled to the back of her head; the midday sunlight was coming in through the window to warm up the already stifling classroom. A bit of the light hit her dark brown hair, almost black, making some of the strands look lighter than the rest.

And then there it was, a sliver blending in to the point he almost thought he hadn’t seen it. A streak, a hint of gold, just behind some of the unkempt brown that went almost down to the middle of her back.

Connor watched as her fingers scratched her scalp and smoothed down the hair again. Now he could see it more clearly and he wondered if she even knew it was there herself. It was in the back of her head; someone would have had to tell her it was there. She would have never seen it on her own.

Connor wondered what she would do if he reached out and touched it. Not yanked, not pulled, not even held it for more than a second. Just reached out his hand and let it slide through his own fingers. It would be hot from the sun.

But then, what would she do in reply? Would she continue to stare on ahead, oblivious or ignoring him like she did to everything else? Would she turn around and fix him with that empty stare until he felt himself shrink?

Or would her eyes widen in surprise as she whipped her head around just in time to see his hand leaving her? He never saw her make any other face aside from calm or tired. Could she even make a gasp or a cry or a laugh? Maybe she could get angry. Maybe she would demand an explanation, but maybe she’d be to caught off guard to speak.

Would she frown? Would she glare? Would she blush? Would she smile and ask him in that dry voice, just what Connor Murphy, is so damn fascinating about my hair you feel like you have to touch it? He knew she cursed. He didn’t know she could smile though.

He knew what would happen. She’d think he was a pervert. A creep. A freak. She’d shiver in her skin, ask the teacher to let her move to another seat; he wouldn’t be able to look at her without those empty, glassy, big eyes cutting through him like everyone else’s did.

Connor knew to keep his hands to himself. He didn’t feel like getting another reason to be ridiculed and picked on for a little impulse.

Then, fast forward some years later, and he had almost forgotten her completely. Mindy was too good at blending in, even more so than him. No one liked her, but no one disliked her. How could you have an opinion on someone unknown?

And then it was another hot summer morning, one of the last of the year and Connor was busy putting a band sticker on his locker; might as well have something to look at he didn’t despise.

Mindy asked if he liked ‘The Smiths’; he was sure she hadn’t meant to ask. Then she gave him some gum she didn’t like and told him to have a good one; Connor watched from the corner of his eyes as she brushed her hair back and wondered if the streak was still there.

Connor might have been able to let it go if she had left it at that. The same warm day, she would give him change for nothing. She wore a dress that flowed behind her with every step and she looked like any other girl who wouldn’t give him the time of day, except not. Instead, for that short time, she was a girl who had smiled at him with her uneven teeth as she silently acknowledged she knew him.

In the store she sounded ready to cry and Connor couldn’t help listen in and wonder what had happened to make someone’s voice break like that. But of course, he couldn’t ask, not without sounding like a prick. Not that it mattered. He wished he could let it go.

The next day, still warm and sunny to the point things looked oddly bright even inside, Connor saw her doodle hearts in her notebook. Big ones, little ones, ones that looked uneven, and all of them nearly covered the margins. Some had a Cupid’s arrow through them.

A memory had come to him, so fuzzy and faint it could have been someone else’s; his mom had helped him tape candy to Valentine cards for his elementary school homeroom. She let him have a piece and said that girls usually only drew those when they had someone special was on their mind. With a teasing quirk of her lips, she told him that if a girl drew one on his, maybe she had a crush. He stuck out his chocolate coated tongue and she laughed and ruffled his hair.

Connor spent his study hall period neglecting his homework, opting to listen to Chet Baker sing about some imaginary girl he never met on his phone. Those hearts weren’t meant for him; after the locker incident and threatening Zoe in front of her, it wouldn’t ever be.

Still, when Mindy gave him her unwanted lunch, it wasn’t easy to lose his head. The sandwich was just how he liked it cut and the cookies were sweet and soft. When Evan took a cookie for himself, Connor wanted to smack it from his broken hand, but even he wasn’t that cruel. Instead he put them away and ate the rest of the cookies alone later, savoring each bite and wondered.

He cut himself the day he yelled at her. That look on her face was one he would never forget, even while he tried to focus on rolling up the sleeves of his jacket, the sharp pain, the light sting, and how he probably deserved a lot worse for that day and more. Her eyes had never looked more lifeless.

The next day he spent most of it wandering the trails, looking, listening. Connor went back to the spot under the bridge and sat there eating the candy he bought from the next door Walgreens and trying not to pick at the shallow cuts under his sleeve; after a couple of hours, he knew he was late to come home and it was too dark. She wouldn’t be there.

He wondered how shitty his luck must have been and how much god must have hated him to make him run into Mindy talking to his own chatty mother. Connor didn’t even want to look at her; would she see? Could she see the shame, the frustration? Couldn’t she see he didn’t want her there and yet he did at the same time? Couldn’t she get the hint? Couldn’t she have blushed and smiled a little less? Couldn’t she leave him alone?

One week later, Connor didn’t expect to bump into her in that musty stairwell, her eyes red and tired and haunted and somehow heart breakingly beautiful all the same. He needed a cigarette more than he ever did.

He had been lonely for such a long time, had been isolated for too damn long, that when she had smiled and asked him to the movies. It was too easy to talk to her; he knew there’d be a catch. For a wild, insane second, he thought he might love her. Not in the way his parents loved each other or the way you loved a family member or a crush or even your favorite song. He didn’t want to kiss her (maybe just one) he didn’t want to sweep her off her feet or hold her hand (maybe for a second) or even be that close to her. He just loved _her_. It was that simple. Or it had been.

In hindsight, Hansen was the better choice. Maybe just as lonely and messed up and hopeless, but three times nicer and a smidge more tolerable. That was the kind of person Mindy needed in her life.

Not another disappointment. Not another lost cause who drained her of whatever there was left for her to give. And he only had himself to blame; all the weeks he spent trying, trying, trying so hard to almost be normal, to be someone his family could stand, to be the person Mindy might have wanted to know.

But the problem was, he was still Connor Murphy. He couldn’t change that, not for her, not for his parents, not for his sister, not even for himself.

Still, Connor almost felt noble as he pried open the pill bottle; after all, for the first time in his life, he was doing the world a favor. His parents would stop fighting. Zoe would be able to breathe and her mom and dad paying attention to her, the child who didn’t give them headaches and grief. Mindy would have one less burden; it was the least he could do for someone who had given him a chance of hope. It wasn’t her fault he was no good.

Connor was the one with the nerve to believe she was the one who betrayed him. It was him who let his anger and bitterness and pain get the best of him and act as if she was to blame. It was him who threw a dirty old sneaker at her and even he couldn’t tell if it was meant to hit the wall or not.

His stomach churned.

Yes, the least he could do was get rid of it. One less thing to make her eyes so lifeless when she still had a chance of being happy.

Besides, he had been glad for the short time they spent together and to know her, if just for a few days.

He was glad his words meant something to someone, because for a short while, he had almost been someone else, even though deep down he knew it couldn’t last. Not while he was still Connor Murphy.

He wondered if dying hurt.

So many things had been running through his head as he took pill after pill, swallowing each one dry. They would work faster that way with no food or water in his system, put him right to sleep until he found himself in a foggy, faded dream where his family was calling his name in panicked fear, but he couldn’t answer them, didn’t even want to try.

He was floating, floating, floating away into the dark that felt so warm and soft, not like anything he had felt in his days alive, not for years. This was the right choice.

He wondered if her hair was soft too. Maybe in another life he’d find out.

When Connor Murphy next woke up, his left hand was burning hot and he tried to pull it out from under the sheet only to find he couldn’t, on account that his hand was being held by another person’s. His eyes opened slowly and he registered white walls and muffled machinery and a steady beeping; he turned his heavy head the the left and saw his mother’s red hair, stringy and twisted up in a messy knot to keep from her face. Her hand was clutching his tightly and her shoulders were shaking.

“He’s awake!”

That was Zoe; she sounded more astounded than anything else. Connor heard a deeper voice murmur something before there were heavy footsteps running away. He assumed it was his father, but maybe it wasn’t.

“Connor? Connor, can you hear me?” Cynthia raised her face slowly to his and touched his cold cheek, sweeping the hair from his eyes. “Oh my god, my baby...Connor, oh my god, you’re-” she couldn’t get it out; her nose was too stuffed and her mouth trembled too hard.

Zoe collapsed back into the room’s second chair, hands folded in her lap and face stricken and pale. She never did cry easily. Larry was already back with a doctor, who was murmuring something to the medical aid as she checked the monitors and his pulse.

“Connor, can you hear my voice?” came the professional but calming tone. Connor nodded weakly and found he had tubes inserted in his nostrils. “Try not to move from your bed. You had your stomach pumped. You’ve been in this hospital for six hours and it’s about nine in the morning. Do you understand this?”

Connor nodded and croaked out an affirmative; his throat felt sore. Cynthia sobbed and held his hand tightly between her own. Larry’s forehead glistened with sweat and Zoe still looked frozen.

“Your parents and sister are here. You’re going to be okay.”

“Mmm…”

Cynthia looked at the doctor. “Is he really….?”

“Yes. He needs rest and a light diet for a time, but he’ll be okay…” the doctor cleared his throat. “If you two don’t mind, may I speak to you both outside? My aid will make sure your son is fine.”

“I..yes.” Cynthia’s watery eyes flickered to larry; his face was drawn and he wouldn’t look at his son. “Yes, alright. Thank you...you saved my son’s life.”

The doctor didn’t seem to know what to say to that. “Ma’am, your daughter might want to wait in the lobby, get a snack.”

Zoe let her eyes travel to her parents; she seemed to know already just what was going to be discussed and stood up from her seat with a glance toward Connor. He looked close to death.

“Zoey?”

“Okay.” Zoe gave her mom a tight smile and went out into the hallway.

“Shall we?”

Larry and Cynthia followed the doctor after she gave one last kiss to her son’s head. Larry rose his hand to ruffled his hair, but decided against it and touched his shoulder with a light squeeze.

“We’ll be right back Connor.”

“Mm...mmi-”

“What? Sweetie, do you need something?”

Connor coughed violently; he felt like he was half still underwater. “My phone.”

“Connor, you need to rest-’ Larry began.

“Mindy...I...does she?”

“She called on your phone this morning. We kept her updated.” Cynthia told him gently as she fixed his covers. “She knows you’re going to be okay.”

She didn’t seem so sure.

“Is she...is she here now?”

Larry and Cynthia exchanged worried looks.

“Well...no.”

Connor closed his eyes tightly. “Okay.”

“I thought...you didn’t want her here.” Larry spoke up carefully.

Connor turned his head away; of course she wouldn’t be there. Someone you knew attempting suicide and dealing with the aftermath was already hard. It would have been hard to see him fixed up to tubes and wires and looking deathly pale and sick after getting all the poison from his system.  
But going for a person who treated you like shit that same night? Of course she wouldn’t be there.

“Mr and Mrs. Murphy, I can wait. While your son is lucid, maybe you want to…?”

“Could you?”

“Yes, certainly.” the doctor adjusted his glasses and walked out of the room. “I’ll close the door. Jason,’ he gestured to the assistant. “Come with me, let’s check on room 109.”

Thehy left and closed the door behind them; Cynthia sat back down in the chair next to Connor’s bed. Larry stood behind her, staring into nothing.

“Connor, how do you feel?”

“Tired...throat hurts.”

Cynthia swallowed once. “Connor...why?”

“Why not?”

“Connor, this is serious.” Larry said suddenly. “We thought-for god’s sake, I can’t do this right now....”

“Larry, what are you doing?” Cynthia demanded to know as he took a step to the door.

“How can we talk to him now? He won’t take this seriously. Dammit, we found him in his room, vomiting and seizing up like a sick animal and he acts like nothing’s happened?!”

“Keep your voice down.” Cynthia said lowly.

“You spent the last six hours crying and afraid and he doesn’t even care!”

Connor blocked them out. He was so tired.

“Of course he cares, how can you even say that?! Dammit Larry, this isn’t the time for arguing, our son tried to fucking kill himself!”

Larry’s mouth flew open but the only sound that came out was a half sob; to Connor’s surprise, tears immediately sprung from the corners of his eyes. He watched vaguely as his dad fell onto Zoe’s chair and he wept into his hands silently. Connor almost thought he was still asleep. He had never seen him cry before.

“I didn’t do it to hurt you.”

Connor hated him for a moment; he had no right to be weak right now. He hated that he was still breathing.

And then he felt tears drip down his cheeks and into his hair and he brought his hands to his face as his mother and father propped him up and held him on either side while he apologized brokenly over and over, for what he did, for what he didn’t do and all in between. He thought he heard them say it too.

He could understand what they were feeling. There was nothing they could do. The antidepressants stopped working, the secrets and resentment and fear piled up. He knew they were trying in their own ways. It made him hate himself more. Thinking of how he would die leaving them that way and how he still was disappointed to be alive made him feel that much more sick.

Connor tried to stifle his cracking voice. “What the fuck is wrong with me….?”

“It’s okay...it’s okay.” It was all Cynthia could think to say as she combed her fingers through his hair. Larry sat at the side and wiped his face dry, looking all for the world a helpless man. Powerless.

Cynthia sniffed and tried to keep her voice steady. It was all she could do for the moment. “It’s going to be okay…you’re here now sweetie, we’ll...we can figure out something...”

“I’m sorry. God I didn’t even see this coming. I never wanted this, you need to know that son. This isn’t the answer. Never...” Larry whispered as he gripped his son’s hand tight and kept his eyes off the thin scars on the inside of his arm; his eyes met Cynthia’s and he knew she saw them too. _“I’m sorry….”_

Connor didn’t say anything as he felt his eyelids droop.

Down in the lobby, Zoe held her cup of water; she sat in the stiff cahir and stared down at what she couldn’t drink.

Her eyes weren’t watering. Her hands weren’t shaking. She couldn’t remember the last time she blinked.

“Zoe?”

“...oh. Hey…” Zoe’s lips barely went up as she greeted Mindy. “I’m surprised you’re here.”

“I can’t go to the room. No one aside from relatives.” Mindy explained. “Besides, he...well, I don’t think he’d want to see me right now.”

“Mom said he kept calling you.”

“Yeah. I saw them this morning.”

Zoe stared down at the cup; she could see the reflection of the ceiling in the water. “Why didn’t you answer it?”

Mindy sat down slowly. “I had my phone turned off.”

“Why? Didn’t you think after that he’d call you?”

“No. Besides, I turn my phone off every night around ten.”

Zoe turned to look at her blankly.

“My dad calls late for drug money. It’s better to just turn it off.”

“...I see.” Zoe replied and went back to staring at nothing. “I think Connor tried to kill himself because of you.”

Mindy kept her eyes on Zoe. “That’s probably part of it. How are you feeling?”

“Sad, I guess.”

Mindy nodded. “That’s normal.”

“Anything else would be weird.”

“Not really. This isn’t an easy thing to process. I wouldn’t be surprised at anything you felt.”

“I feel mad.” Zoe sent her a look but Mindy didn’t blink. “I’m mad at Connor. I don’t want him dead, but it’s not fair.”

“What’s not fair?”

Zoe shook her head slowly, a frown etched on her soft features. “He’s always doing this to us. Always making things more difficult...no matter how hard our parents try to help him. He never thinks of anyone but himself.”

Mindy listened as Zoe inhaled and exhaled slowly, deeply; her grip on the cup was tight.

“What do you think he was thinking of when he took those pills?”

“Well, the first time he was going to do it, he said he was thinking of how you guys wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore, how he wouldn’t have to go to school and get called a freak...how all the things he did and said that he regretted would be made up for. That’s what I got anyway. There might be a dozen other reasons only Connor knows.”

Zoe let out a huff that might have been an attempt at laughter. “You sound so calm. Don’t you feel guilty? If you answered your phone, he might have not done it.”

“Maybe. At least not that night.” Mindy conceded softly. “The thing is, when someone really wants to do something, the only one who can make them stop is themselves.”

“You don’t know my brother.”

“No, I don’t.”

Zoe sat up and leaned back in the chair. “I’m tired.”

“Have you guys been here this whole time?”

“Yeah. My mom said I didn’t have to go to school. I wonder if anyone knows.”

“Probably not. This sort of thing is kept confidential by staff. Unless Connor contacted someone outside me about it, there’s no reason anyone at all should know.”

“No. My dad looked through his emails and other texts. He only called you.”

“Then if any information is leaked out, you guys would have a case against the hospital.”

“You know a lot about this stuff.”

Mindy shrugged.

Zoe studied her with a wide gaze. “Have...have you-?”

“Oh no. My dad tried a couple times. My sister used to think about it. Older one.” Mindy smiled at Zoe’s confusion. “My younger sis thinks death is just sleeping.”

“Oh.” Zoe looked at her oddly; at least she didn’t look like a zombie anymore. “What did you do?”

“Well, it’d be hard to explain death to her so-”

“No, I mean about your dad and your sister.”

“Oh, right.” Mindy said sheepishly. “Well, my sis didn’t tell me until years later. I wasn’t surprised. She didn’t think of it too seriously; it was sort of just in the back of her mind. She did cut a bit though.”

“I’m sorry.”

“She’s doing better now. I’m glad she told me. I just wish she would talk to me more...but I can’t force it out, that’ll make her defensive. I just try to be there when she needs someone to vent to.”

“And your dad?”

“Yeah, he’s still alive.” Mindy grimaced. “I mean, I love him, but the thing is it’s because of him a lot of bad things happened to me and my family. Objectively speaking, him not being here would make things better for us all. I’d still be sad though.”

Zoe was silent for a minute; she actually did look sad.

“It’s not a big deal. I’ve come to terms with it a long time ago. To be honest, the reasons my dad tried to kill himself are similar to Connor’s. The difference is, I didn’t even go to the hospital when he was getting treated. I stayed home and did dishes. I didn’t cry at all.”

“If Connor died...I don’t know if I could be sad. My mom is like, clinging to this image of him, like he’s still this great person. My dad doesn’t know what’s going on half the time, but at least he doesn’t make excuses for Connor.” Zoe’s face fell. “No...I know that’s not right….I know my mom is trying to...I don’t know.”

Mindy searched through her bag and pulled out a pack of crackers.

“Want some?”

“Um...sure. I didn’t have breakfast.” Zoe took the pack carefully but didn’t open it. “Do you always carry food in your purse?”

“Michelle, little sis, she gets cranky when she doesn’t eat for a while.” Mindy smiled bitterly. “And my dad doesn’t always remember to feed her when she’s over his house.”

“That’s awful.”

“That’s nice of you to say.” Mindy told her. “But don’t worry about me. You’ve got enough shit to deal with. Actually, don’t you want to go with your folks?”

“My parents are probably in there feeling sad. I can’t…”

“It’s okay you know. To not feel sad.” Mindy said. “You can’t help how you feel. The only thing you can do is to decide how to deal with them.”

“My parents wouldn’t understand. Especially not now with Connor; he’d be the one looking like the victim.” Zoe said quietly. “It’ll be like all the awful things he did to us will be forgotten because he’s suicidal.” she sighed. “But it makes sense. It’s hard to sympathize with someone like me when someone is hurting enough to end their own life…”

“Even if Connor’s hurting, it doesn’t mean it’s okay for him to hurt you. You can help him, talk to him, and feel sad for him, but that’s no excuse for treating you like you don’t have feelings.”

Zoe gave her a half smile. “Tell that to my parents.”

“Maybe now isn’t the best time to talk about it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ever bring it up. Your parents love you too and it wouldn’t be fair to ignore your feelings, even if they don’t agree.” Mindy said. “Besides, it’s not my place to say what you’re feeling. This doesn’t have anything to do with me; I shouldn’t be getting involved. I just wanted to make sure Connor was okay.”

“But he kept calling you.”  
“I think he might have just been feeling vulnerable because I was the only one who knew about how he felt at the time.” Mindy explained. “Honestly, he probably hates me more than ever. If he wasn’t convinced I wasn’t his friend before, he is now.”

Zoe looked skeptical but decided not to comment.

“But you know, I’m glad he feels bad for how he’s been treating you guys. Envious really. If my dad had one ounce of shame that Connor had, he might at least think of going to therapy or getting clean. But the thing is, his issues aren’t really hurting him, so there’s no reason to start a change. Connor realizes his behavior is hurting himself and you guys. He has some sort of incentive.”

Zoe opened the pack and ate half a cracker; she seemed to be confused as she handed Mindy a cracker. “But it sounds like your dad is hurting you with how he is.”

Mindy swallowed and shrugged. “Like I said, there’s no reason for him to change.”

Zoe continued to eat silently. “How’d you get here?”

“Took a bus. My mom called me in sick.”

“She knows?”

“Yeah. She won’t tell anyone. My family is pros at keeping secrets.” Mindy smiled. “She wanted to drive me, but she had to work.”

“How will you get home?”

“Bus. Hell, I might just wander around the whole day.”

“My parents would probably take you home.”

“Oh no, they’ve got enough to worry about.” Mindy said quickly. “I’m fine on my own.”

Zoe chuckled. “I get why Connor likes you.”

“I’m too doofy to be intimidating to talk to?”

“Well….” Zoe shrugged. “Get this: apparently he got pissed when I was born because mom had to take care of me and my dad was always working and he wasn’t the only kid they had to pay attention to anymore. And Connor was always clingy when he liked someone. It’s probably why he got mad about Evan; he doesn’t want to share anything.”

“Geez, that dumbass…” Mindy sighed. “Still...I wish he would have at least tried to talk to me about it. Not toss me out like trash.”

Zoe bit her bottom lip. “So...do you want to say hi at least?”

“Nah. Now wouldn’t be a good time, even if he wanted to see me.” Mindy told her as she sat up and began to go through her purse. “I just wanted to bring these….Connor lent me his Chet Baker CD last week. I never thought he’d be a jazz guy. He said music could help him calm down sometimes. Maybe he can use it now.”

“Thanks.” Zoe took the CD. She didn’t know Connor liked any sort of music. “I’ll give it to him now. Mindy...are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Mindy gave her a pat on the shoulder. “See you Zoey, I hope things go alright.”

Zoe pressed the elevator to the second floor of the hospital where he brother was supposed to be awake and lucid. She walked down the stark white hallways, barely seeing anyone else or hearing anything aside from the pounding in her head. She knocked on the door and Larry poked his head out.

“Hey Zoe.” he pulled her in for a hug and a kiss. “Connor’s awake…”

Zoe smiled briefly and peered over to where her brother was still hooked up to a few machines and had tubes sticking out of his nose to provide oxygen. He was looking at her with dull eyes; he almost looked friendly. Or maybe tired was the better word.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Zoe held out the CD. “Mindy came to see how you were. She wanted me to, um...give you this back.”

“She was here?”

“Yeah.”

Connor nodded and said nothing more.

“Which song is your favorite?”

“Dunno. I guess ‘Alone Together’ is pretty good.”

“I...only ever heard “I Fall in Love Too Easily”. Zoe told him; she sat down on the bed next and handed him the cover. “I thought you were more a metal guy.”

Connor shrugged. “Sometimes.”

Zoe smiled weakly; she meant to say, ‘yeah’. But what came out was a stifled whimper; she bit down on her tongue as Connor’s hand patted her shoulder.

“I’m...I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Yeah. Me too.”


	15. Chapter 15

The week went by and no one was any the wiser of what happened to Connor Murphy.

Frankly, no one really noticed and if anyone did, the chalked it up to him ditching and getting in with some sketchy thing or other.

Zoe went back to school the next day herself and no one mentioned a thing to her; she went about her school activities and talked to her friends and was grateful for Mindy keeping her silence.

The only other person who knew was Evan; when Larry had gone through Connor’s emails for any evidence of why he would try to overdose on sleeping pills, he found Evan’s emails were the only ones in the inbox. He and Cynthia had visited the school to tell him personally in the principal’s office, who was also sworn to not utter a word of the incident, what happened and asked whether Connor had ever mentioned anything about suicide or attempting to harm himself. Evan had been shocked; he knew there was many things his sort of friend didn’t let on, knew he felt isolated as he did, but he never once imagined Connor would take things that far.

He told Mindy as much the next day; aside from the Murphy family and some hospital staff, they were the only other people who knew something was amiss.

“And that was the last time you saw him?” Evan sat next to her at the lunch table, his lunch untouched; his insides were churning.

“Yeah. Aside from the calls and voice messages.” Mindy said; she was eating but could barely taste her food. It was mush. “He...he told me it wasn’t the first time he had thought of doing it, but then he stopped himself. I thought things were getting better. He was sort of talking to his family, he was coming to school…I don’t understand why he would do it now.” she didn’t mention that they were becoming good friends; that was not a factor anymore.

Evan scratched his arm. “I can u-understand.”

Mindy was careful to not show her emotions on her face. “Evan?”

“I...I didn’t fall. Out of the tree. I-I had no idea Connor was…”

Mindy squeezed his arm briefly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay...I’ve been...I’ve been thinking about it less. Hanging out with you and talking to Connor...it took my mind off stuff.” Evan smiled a bit. “It was scary. I didn’t even plan it, I was just having fun and then I looked down and-and...I let go.”

“You know, i don’t believe in things happening for a reason...but it is something that you didn’t die. Did you get hurt anywhere else?”

“No. Just my arm, a couple cuts and a bruise.”

“Holy shit. Evan, that’s...that’s a miracle.” Mindy gulped. “You could have landed on your head...or broken your spine or just straight up died. Hell, Connor’s parent almost didn’t come into his room until they heard something knock to the floor. They were thinking they’d let him cool down before trying to talk to him.”

Evan let out a breath and wiped his forehead; his face was clammy. Mindy handed him her napkin and he blew his nose like a trumpet. Mindy glared at the girls at the table near them who turned around to give Evan dirty looks; they whipped their heads right back and she raised her middle finger for good measure.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just still in shock.” Evan admitted. “Does anyone else know?”

“No. I’m not saying shit.”

“Me neither.” Evan said; he pushed around his food. “What’s going to happen now?”

“I’m not sure. I mean, since he’s eighteen, he doesn’t have to go to therapy or take medicine.” Mindy said softly. “He can just come back to school like nothing happened…”

“What are you going to do?”

“Stay out of his way.” Mindy told him. “I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong Evan. It’s better this way. Besides, I’m sure he’s convinced himself I was ignoring him on purpose, and…”

Evan waited and pushed around his peas. “Don’t you think you should at least try to talk to him?”

“I don’t know if I want to.” Mindy admitted; she hadn’t spoken aloud until now. “Evan, I’ve had enough people toss me aside when it suits them. Look what happened: even being his friend didn’t help a thing. If anything, I was just one more thing that made him get angry.”

“But he...what if he changes? You know, after my...I read some things online of people who survived.” Evan lowered his voice. “A lot of those people saw it like a turning point for themselves, like, since they didn’t actually die, maybe that was a sign.”

“Maybe. But I don’t know if I want to wait around and see. Evan, I’ve spent my whole life dealing with someone like Connor; rash, angry, unpredictable. I never know how they’ll be or what might set them off. Connor said he thought I was nice, but I think what he meant was that deep down, I’m a pushover.”

“I don’t think that’s-”

“Dude, let’s face it. That’s what happens. When you care about someone and you know they’ll go out on a limb for you, you can’t help but rely on them, and sometimes, at one point or another, you end up taking them for granted...next thing you know, you’re being pushed to the side when they don’t want to deal with you and your own feelings or problems, when you did something they don’t like.” Mindy shook her head and sighed. “I’m tired of that shit Evan. I’m not sure if Connor is worth it...he obviously doesn’t think whatever friendship we had was.”

Evan chewed the inside of his cheek and tried not to stutter. “Mindy, I don’t believe that. I don’t think Connor’s a lost cause. I think you were a good influence on him.”

“He has to want to change for himself and do it in a way he wants. His family, you, me, it can’t be at the forefront. He has to really want to get better, because in the end, you can’t be happy if you’re not happy with the kind of person you are. Let’s face it Evan, I can’t do shit for Connor. If that was the case, I would be able to do something for my own family, but I can’t. All I can do it stay out of the way.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is. And what’s wrong with that?” Mindy smiled wryly. “It seems ever since I started opening my mouth, only bad things have happened.”

“What...what about being friends with me?”

Mindy felt her smile fall. “Oh Evan, I don’t meant that! I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, no, I get it.” Evan said. “But I don’t think you get it. I don’t care if you can’t do a damn thing for me.”

“Did he just…?”

“I just like being around you. You don’t know what that means...to know someone who can see how screwed up you are and not have them run away or avoid you, or-or treat you like you’re an infection.” Evan took a deep breath. “That’s enough. At least it’s something.”

Mindy averted her eyes. “I...Evan, you don’t need that from someone like me. I’m basically useless. I can’t do anything except clean and cook and stay out of the way.”

“Excuse me…?”

Mindy jumped as Alana sat to her right. “I-what-don’t do that!”

Evan went pale. “Um, how much did you hear?”

“I just came in to the part you told her what a good friend she is and what it means to have someone actually listen to you and how she’s denying it.” Alana smiled and pushed her braids from her face.  
“You…” Mindy felt her face flush pink in shame. “What do you want?”

“Just in the neighborhood. You can tell me if I’m annoying you.” Alana said simply. “Everyone else does.”

Mindy and Evan shared quick glances.

“I..”

“It’s okay. I know some people think I’m annoying. I talk too much, I’m a suck up, I’m a nerdy, over achieving nerd with no life outside of school.”

‘The fuck? Who said that?” Mindy was fuming; sure, Alana was a pain, but that was just cruel.

“Some people.” Alana shrugged. “But you know something, when I’m attending a great school, working in the career of my dreams, and still have a few good friends who stuck by me, I really don’t care what those people think.”

“Sorry. That’s pretty mean to do anyway.” Evan said tentatively.

Alana shrugged her shoulders and popped a grape in her mouth. “It gets to me now and then...but the trick is to listen to the people whose opinions should matter. Mindy,”

Mindy couldn’t look up when Alana took her hand.

“Listen to Evan and the people who see all the good things other people can’t be bothered to. They’re what matters, not people who make you feel like you’re not worth something.”

“...but it’s true. They are what matters. Not me.”

Mindy spoke so quietly, Alana and Evan almost didn’t catch it.

“I...can’t do anything for anyone...why won’t people see it and leave me alone? They act like I’m such a nice person, like I can do all these things...but I can’t. I can’t protect mys sisters or my mom.”

“That’s not your job.”

“What the hell do you know? Have you heard your family crying and begging for help, but you can’t do anything? Knowing that all you can do is wait and try to forget and move on because god knows you can’t count on police or neighbors or even your own parents? To know you live in a world where you can be left to crawl away from another fist to the face and starve and beg for something better and no one will come to help?”

“Mindy…” Evan began but couldn’t find anything to say.

Mindy clenched her hand tightly around Alana’s to keep her eyes dry as she tried to look like she was reading her open textbook. “I’m sorry, I know you’re trying to help...but it’s true. I’m useless. Nothing I’ve done...nothing I’ve said can change what’s wrong. All I can do is survive and try not to make things worse and I can’t even manage that much. I can’t do anything for Connor. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. Depression, BPD, anxiety, paranoia, maybe just a shitty temper and a bad drug habit. Someone like me can’t do a thing for him. I don’t know how I didn’t off myself years ago. I guess the only thing keeping me alive was hope that things would get better, but even that can only do so much. It won’t make me forget…”

“You did survive. You came out stronger for it.” Alana scooted over so she wouldn’t be heard. “Do you realize how many people like you do commit suicide? How many turn around and take it all out on others? They hurt animals, their family, their friends, they drop out of school, they lose everything. You’re here and there are people who are glad you’re here, that you made it.”

“I’m not strong. I’m just able to function better than most, that’s all. I didn’t do anything special. Besides, I’m here. I worked hard to survive, why would I give it up now? That’d just be a waste, an insult to people in even worse places than me.Dying isn’t what I want, simple as that.”

Evan picked at his nails and kept his eyes down. “W-what do you want?”

Mindy shrugged. “It’s stupid. I can’t even do it.”

“What is it?” Alana asked gently, like she didn’t want to scare her off.

“I want...I wanted to make them happy. My family. I just wanted to make things a little easier for them. I wanted to have a life where even if I couldn’t make someone happy, I wouldn’t hurt them they way I was…”

“Well, that sounds pretty great alone.”

“It’s logical. If you get hurt, it’s bad for you. Why would you ever want to make someone else feel that?”

Alana was smiling. “Mindy, didn’t you say you wanted to work with juvenile delinquents?” Mindy nodded dumbly; how’d she remember that?

“I’ve done volunteer work at a youth center for kids even younger than us who were in the system. Most of them have….well, they have backgrounds like yours. And they’re angry and hurt and confused. They feel like the world and their family abandoned them. Some of those kids don’t care about themselves or anyone else. But someone like you, you can relate and empathize with them and make them feel like they’re not outsiders; you could be a role model to them and make them feel like they’re not invisible….”

“What, me?” Mindy laughed. “Come on, a role model? Christ…”

“Do I look like I’m joking?” Alana leaned back and crossed her arms. “One of these days you’re going to have to accept it.”

Mindy sighed and smiled wearily. “Accept what?”

“You’re better than you think you are.” Evan said and quickly ducked his head sheepishly. “Sorry…”

Mindy’s eyes went from his to Alana’s. “That so…?”

Alana raised her chin in a challenging gesture. “Yep.”

Mindy blinked and looked back at her book; she felt her knees knock together and she tightened her throat to keep it from making an embarrassing noise. Her fists were pressed into her lap and she found she couldn’t look them in the eye for fear of them seeing how close they were to pouring tears. She felt her face burning like her cheeks had been by flames.

“Now that’s a good look for you.”

Evan jumped back nervously. “Oh, hey Jared.”

Jared grinned and his eyes went back to Mindy, who was taken off guard enough to raise her head. “Seriously, did one of them just confess to you or something? You actually look like you’re not made of stone.”

“Thank you Jared, we were just waiting for someone to provide commentary.” Alana said briskly.

“No problem.” Jared helped himself to a chair. “So, Evan, buddy, haven’t heard from you in forever.”

“Oh sorry. Is your mom, um, wondering if we’re hanging out?”

Jared’s grin faltered just barely. “Well. no. But hey, can’t I ask how my best family friend is doing? I gotta say, lately it’s been a rough.”

Mindy giggled and all three of them glanced over at her.

“That’s what she said.”

Jared beamed. “Finally, someone with my witty sense of humor. So, Evan, you still writing those writing those weird sex letters?”

“They’re not sex letters!”

Alana raised an eyebrow. “Um, should I be here for this?”

“No, no, no , no, Jared’s just kidding, I’m not-help me out here!” Evan said through gritted teeth as Jared continued to smile innocently.

Mindy found her voice and gave Jared a dull look. “Hey four-eyes, if you want to talk to your boyfriend so bad, can it wait until me and Alana aren’t here? I feel weird witnessing getting involved in lover’s quarrels.”

Evan looked scandalized. “What?! No, no, that’s not-!”

“Four-eyes? God that’s so nineties.”

Mindy blinked. “Alright. Seriously, if you want to talk to Evan, you can sit here whenever. I mean, I guess family friends are welcome.”

“Well, I think that’s a bit of an impersonal term.” Jared remarked as he made himself comfy. “I mean, this table looked so depressing, so i thought, why not come over to brighten everyone’s day a little?”

“Wow, talk about altruism. Put that on an application and Harvard will give you paid tuition.” Alana smiled thinly as she gave Mindy a look. Oddly enough though, she was smiling.

“That’s sweet.”

Jared shrugged and stuffed his face with chips. “I mean, you guys were looking all ‘Breakfast Club’ over here. Thought I might as well get in on it.”

“That’s what, um, he said.”

Jared snorted. “Okay, say it without stuttering next time.”

Evan shrugged but looked pleased all the same as he struck up a conversation on what his family friend had been up to; Mindy and Alana looked torn between laughter and having just been slapped out of their sense.

Mindy wished she could say what her friends had told her had made her see the light and that the rest of the day she was not bothered by anything.

_“Today was nice.”_

Jared’s jokes got a bit much and Evan’s stuttering and stammering could be grating; even Alana’s endless supply of information and tidbits were hard to hear for too long.

_“But still…”_

Mindy took a deep breath as she made her way to Connor’s neighborhood; she had told her mother she was going straight there after school already. She wished her luck.

_“Maybe this won’t be worth it...maybe he’ll make me feel like trash again. Maybe we can’t be friends.”_

But then, she would never know unless she gave it a shot. As much as Mindy was scared to let another person she cared about down, and as much as she would hurt if Connor really did slam the door in her face, she knew she could survive. She knew she would regret it more if she didn’t at least try; wrong or right, logical or not, it was how she felt.

_“I won’t give up again. Even if I’m miserable, even if it doesn’t work out, I tried dammit and it’s more than a lot of people do. It’s what Connor deserves. It’s what I deserve.”_

Mindy was passing her house to drop off her bag to lighten the load, but found it wasn’t necessary. Connor rose up from her porch; he looked like he was going to approach her, but he didn’t. He just stared as she went to him.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Mindy looked to the door. “Good timing...I was just going to...to visit you.”

“Oh. Good. Sorry this is out of the blue.” Connor picked at the inside of his arm but yanked down his sleeve before Mindy could see anything.  
“Would you mind coming inside? I...I was hoping to talk to you alone anyway.”

“Sure.”

Connor forgot to take off his shoes as she followed Mindy to the living room couch; the house was so silent they could hear every noise the other made. Mindy let her bag rest on the coffee table; she steeled herself for what was to come.

“I’m sorry.”

Mindy looked at him slowly.

“For all the shitty things I said...and did. Even though I knew-” Connor inhaled deeply. “Even though I knew you had been yelled at and had things thrown at you before, I still-”

“I’m not going to say it’s okay.” Mindy said evenly. “But I’m not mad at you Connor, not at all. I was just sad. But I know you wouldn’t do it to be cruel; you’re not perfect, but I know you’re not a bad person.”

“What kind of person throws out their friend after everything they’ve done for them? What kind of person gets mad because they have other friends and a life and throws shit and-”

“Connor, enough. If you really feel you have something to make up for than be quiet and listen to what I have to say.”

He nodded and unconsciously picked at his arm, sneaking his hand up his baggy sleeve; Mindy exhaled and began again.

“For one, don’t think you’re anything like him. My dad is too far gone; I know it’s depressing to know some people are too broken and torn apart to fix, but it’s true. But you don’t have to be one of them, not if you really don’t want to be. He doesn’t want to change; he doesn’t even think there’s anything wrong and I can’t tell how much of it is just who he is now or how much of it is his mental disorders...and I accepted that. I accepted that I still love him and all rationality aside, I can’t stop loving him anymore than I can stop liking you. On that note, I hope it would go without saying that I never wanted you to die. And I don’t know if Zoey told you why my phone was off…”

“Yeah. She did.”

“And I hope you can believe I didn’t mean to ignore you and that when I heard your voice mails...my heart nearly broke. I never hated myself more than I did when it sounded like you thought I had given up on you.”

Connor stopped his scratching to practically gawk at her, but Mindy was too busy trying to find the right words to notice.

“I don’t know...if you still want to be my friend. Maybe you even feel like you shouldn’t be. Connor’s I wanted to let you know now before you made any decisions, that whatever you decide, I will always see you as someone I care about..it’s just how I’m hardwired I guess.” Mindy smiled self effacingly. “I don’t know what you’re planning to do from here on out, but if it’s okay with you, I’d like to be there for you and do what I can to at least make things a little better for you. Just that alone would make me so happy, knowing I could do something to make you feel as happy as when you told me you wanted to be my friend.”

Mindy was shaking; she felt she had no right to cry, not now. Not when there was so much more to say and yet she knew if she had all the time in the world, even then it might be impossible.

“I’ll understand if you want me to leave you alone. I won’t get mad, I’ll still keep mum on what happened. I won’t hold it against you if that how you feel.” Mindy looked him in the eyes and smiled. “But Connor, you have to know...there’s hundreds of things I want to forget….so many things and memories I wish would disappear altogether. You’re not one of them.”

Mindy waited, not letting herself feel one way or the other until Connor gave her a proper response. _“There. I did it. I said what I wanted to….it’s all I can do for now…”_

 _“_ I…” Connor held one of his wrists tight to. “Is...do you still have that gold streak? In the back of your head?”

“....”

“.....”

“.....huh?” Mindy cocked her head to the side with a blank expression.

“Your hair...it had a blonde streak. Didn’t you know?”

“Oh that. Um, yeah, it’s still there.” she reached behind her head and searched for the piece. “It’s called a Mallen streak; it’s sort of rare, but it’s harmless. And it’s in the back, so not many people even can tell it’s there.” Mindy chuckled. “But I guess it is a bit weird when you do see it.”

“Can...can I see?”

“Oh, sure.” Mindy turned around and scooted back to where Connor sat. “Can you see it?”

“Yeah.”

 _“Well, this is a change of topic...maybe they gave him some meds and he’s out of it? Christ, it was hard enough saying all that stuff the first time…”_ Mindy sighed under her breath and sat still so Connor could get a good look. _“Maybe this is a trust exercise? I don’t think he’d try to yank it out...unless...he’s still pissed...aw geez…”_

“It’s nice.”

Mindy was going to thank him, but the words caught in her throat when she felt her hair being lifted up as gently as if the wind had blown it up.

Connor held his breath and let the hair slide past his fingers. “It’s...really nice. Thanks for letting me see.”

Mindy turned around slowly. “Thanks.” she shrugged and sat down next to him. “It’s mine anyway. You know, I like your hair too. I mean, long hair on guys doesn’t usually look right to me, but you look good with it.”

“Yeah?”

Mindy nodded. “It’s weird. When you like someone, the things you didn’t like much before change when the person you like had them. I mean, unless I found out you were like, a crazy cat killer who has sacrifice ceremonies under that bridge.”

“No. I’m just crazy.” Connor smirked hollowly; his eyes flitted to his arm and his face went back to dull.

Mindy shook her head and took his arm gently. “Fuck that.”

“Wait, don’t!”

But it was too late; she saw the red thin lines as clear as day. Connor grit his teeth while Mindy studied them. If she looked really close, she could see almost invisible white lines under the red.

“Don’t suppose the cat gave you these?”

Connor tried to retort but words failed him; Mindy was taking her other hand, her fingers lightly tracing the cuts, her face set in concentration.

“I never understood people who did this to he honest.” she stroked his skin with her thumb. “It looks painful, so, I’ll need you to talk to me about it when you can. Heh, I hope I’ll still be able to be there for you without getting on your nerves.”

Connor ducked his head and Mindy smiled; Evan really was rubbing off on him.

“Come on Connor, if you think this is going to freak me out, you don’t know me well enough.” she grinned. “We’re gonna have to fix that.”

Mindy had to keep herself from crying out in pain as Connor yanked her forward, one hand buried in her hair and the other clutching her by the back of the shirt hard enough that he almost scratched her. She didn’t want him to feel like he had to pull away; so instead, she put a hand on his back and wrapped one arm around his waist and said nothing as she pretended she couldn’t hear any sniffling.

_“I just got back from ER and my heart already feels like it’ll give out for real. Dumbass….you really don’t know anything about how people feel.”_

Connor let his fingers slide through the gold streak and tried not to get her hair too wet.


	16. Chapter 16

_“People talk about me baby...say I’m doing you, doing you wrong. Well don’t you worry baby, don’t worry~”_

Mindy leaned back on the recliner as she avoided inhaling the smoke; Connor was sitting on an old rug, his back leaning against a stack of cardboard boxes filled with Christmas knick knacks. Her mom made sure to keep every box labeled the right holiday; some of the decorations were over thirty years old.

“Hey, are all these your mom’s? I never even heard of ‘New Edition’.” Connor said absently as he looked through an open box of tapes at his side. “Flip to side A….holy shit these are old.”

“Those are my dad’s. My mom likes old rock and metal and some golden oldies. My dad mostly likes old hip hop and R&B, Motown, that stuff.” Mindy told him as she licked Cheeto dust from her finger.

Connor took another hit of his joint; he was still reeling from earlier. Long story short, Jo had asked him if he smoked pot; she could smell it on his jacket. He admitted it, seeing as how she was so nice to to let him come over. Jo nodded and said if he wanted to, he could smoke in their basement, just as long as that was all he did and he didn’t do it in front of Michelle. From what Mindy said, her mom used to party all the time before she was pregnant and she knew pot was basically harmless when taken in moderation and when you knew your dealer. Mindy laughed a little when she said her mom quit cold turkey when she got pregnant with Aurelia; her dad wasn’t quite so considerate.

But this time when Mindy mentioned her dad, she didn’t look sad or irritated; she was smiling wide.

“Why do you guys have so many?” Connor asked as he leaned back and unwrapped a mini candy bar. What was Halloween without candy?

“Well, when I was a kid, we didn’t have a radio; my dad kept selling them. But my mom found one that could only play cassettes and she and dad still had a bunch leftover. By then CDs were the thing to sell.” Mindy clarified. “It was funny; my favorite song growing up was ‘Mr. Telephone Man’. I didn’t know until later most of the members of that band were broken up years ago and all adults by the time I was born.”

Connor smirked wryly. “Grandma.”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s funny...one thing we all have in common is using music to relax.” Mindy turned her face away as Connor let out a slow stream of smoke. “But Michelle likes pop and Aurelia likes metal and Kpop.” she chewed thoughtfully. “Is jazz your favorite?”

“It’s one of them.” Connor shrugged. “I like grunge too. Some older stuff.” he smiled suddenly. “How does this song remind you of me?”

“The guy’s basically saying he loves to smoke pot.”

“It’s too chilled out though.”

“You’re pretty relaxed now.” Mindy pointed out; when Connor had called her at three in the morning that day, he had been talking quickly and in a hushed tone. His first one on one therapy session had been a bit much and he felt too raw and exposed. He wanted to calm down and smoke, but he knew his parents would kill him if he did it in the house. He asked if maybe he could come over that night, completely forgetting Mindy had made plans to go to the dance.

“What do you like?” he asked as he licked the frosting off a cupcake; Jo had bought them on sale just for them.

“Music wise? I guess all that stuff.” Mindy said.

“What’s your favorite?”

“...promise you won’t laugh?”

Connor gave her a sleepy smile. “No.”

Mindy rolled her eyes; she knew he was kidding. Sort of.

“Showtunes. Disney.”

But Connor didn’t crack a smile; he was tilting his head quizzically. “Really?”

“What did you think was my favorite?”

“Don’t know. Just not that.”

“Well, there is swing and big band.”

“...okay, now that’s ancient.”

“No it’s not. The world is like billions of years old. Compared to that, our lives have barely begun.” Mindy said simply.

“Why those?”

“They sound happy. I don’t know...music like that is fun to dance to and sing.” Mindy grinned. “Wouldn’t it be awesome if they had a live band like that at the dance? Now that I can get behind.”

Connor was silent as Steve Miller, who he assumed was the one singing since the band was his namesake, crooned the next verse.

_“You’re the cutest thing I ever did see...I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree~”_

_“Peaches and cream…”_ Connor wanted to laugh; he was thinking nonsense after only a few hits. But then, it had been a while. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“Hey...sorry.”

Mindy raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“I know you really wanted to go to the dance.”

“Eh, I’d rather hang out with you.” she said easily. “Besides, I can dance right here. Or sing. Hell, I even still got to wear my costume.”

Mindy smiled and smoothed out her ruffled skirt; her red cape was tossed on the back of the chair. Connor thought she looked more like one of those old time peasant girls than Red Riding Hood, but then, he didn’t even bother to wear anything festive. His nails were painted black at least, so that counted, right?

Connor inhaled and the smoke flooded his lungs; it wasn’t a great smell, not even that great of a taste, but he was already feeling lighter and his shoulders were loosening in his sockets. He even had everything planned out so his parents wouldn’t find out he was smoking at Mindy’s house; they didn’t object to him sleeping over. He was eighteen, and if he wanted to stay out on a Friday night and he wasn’t borrowing the car, that was his business. They just asked he check in at one point.

But they definitely wouldn’t be crazy about him coming home smelling like weed, but Mindy had solved that issue; she just lent him one of her hoodies. She wasn’t quite his height, but she was much wider, so the jacket actually managed to hang on him. And it was comfy. It smelled like something he couldn’t describe, not bad but not freshly cleaned either.  
Mindy was bobbing her head, swaying to the melody; she had already been on her feet for half an hour swinging her hips and pumping her arms as she jumped and spun to a slew of old rock and R&B/funk. He didn’t know how she could move at all, but she looked up for more.

_“..’cause I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I’m a sinner~”_

Mindy was smiling vaguely as she began mouthing the words; Connor thought she might have gotten a contact high, but she had actually been avoiding the smoke. It made her nose sniffle.

Connor bit back a grin; he remembered earlier that day he was so worried how she would react to him wanting a smoke to calm his nerves. He had explained to her in one breath how the only thing that happened when he smoked was he got less on edge and was a little goofy and he craved chocolate. He told her he had never once done anything dangerous while he was high on it, had never been violent, had actually gotten more mellow, and he never stole from his mom’s purse to get pot. Mindy just nodded and said she figured; after all, a crack head and a stoner were two very different specimens.

“I gotta say Connor, sometimes I wish my dad was a pothead. Could have saved us a whole lot of trouble; I never heard of a joint making someone steal a car or swing a golf club at their wife’s head.”

Connor tried not to let the anger show on his face; maybe Mindy could talk about it casually, but he knew part of it was due to it simply being old news for her.

“Things might have been different...well, maybe in that case I shouldn’t say that.”

“What?” Connor asked; he was a little dizzy.

“Just that when I think about it, I’d rather not change the past. For one I could really fuck something up. And two, if all that stuff didn’t happen, maybe I wouldn’t be here now.”

“Here? Like alive?”

“Nah, just here. With you.”

Connor snorted. “Sure, because going through that shit is worth presently babysitting a stoner.”

“According to you...I’m doing pretty good how I am now. What matters is now...if going through all that means people see me like someone worth knowing, then maybe it’s not so bad. After all, if I was different, we may not have ever talked at all.”

Connor could agree to that; girls in particular tended to avoid him. To be fair, if he met a girl like him, he wouldn’t be jumping to befriend them.

“And you know, this is the best Halloween yet!” Mindy grinned and wiggled in her seat excitedly. “We have to watch more horror movies later.”

“Why don’t we go upstairs now?”

“I want to make sure you feel okay first.”

Connor swallowed the spit that gathered in his mouth; he watched the smoke rise from his joint. “I already hijacked your night, we can watch them now.”

“Connor, this isn’t about me; we’re hanging out, we’re going to do stuff we both want to do. Besides, I’m good just listening to music for a bit longer. It’s nice to take a breather.” Mindy hummed along with the last verse as she arched her back to stretch out.

_“You’re the cutest thing I ever did see...I really love your peaches wanna shake your tree~”_

Connor could pretty much tell what that meant; the music was a bit trippy, but the lyrics themselves were relatively simple. Psychedelic. That’s the word.

“How do they make that guitar do the whistle thing?”

Mindy shrugged. “Your sister plays right? Maybe she’ll know.”

“Don’t think it’s the same guitar.” Connor frowned slightly. What did she play exactly? He shook his head and tried to push it out of his mind; tonight he would just enjoy himself. It was the least he could do for Mindy sacrificing her night out to keep him company, no matter how much she insisted there was no where else she’d rather be.

 _“How can she say it so easily? She barely talked before.”_ Connor opened and closed his eyes slowly; maybe not having practice meant she didn’t know when she was being too frank.

Mindy’s chest rose and fell as she let out a long yawn; she closed her eyes as the last lines of the song faded quietly. Connor pulled the box closer to his lap under the pretense of wanting to search for another tap.

_“Peaches...cherries...why am I thinking of cherries? Oh...that’s the chapstick she uses, I remember now.”_

Mindy would occasionally take out a stick and swipe it over her lips; she said she had dry skin and her lips in particular got chapped easily when it was chilly out. She told him because she thought he was staring out of curiosity at her habit. The whole motion took less than five seconds; Connor tried to remember if she had ever worn gloss. He wondered which would taste better.

“Well, let’s listen to your kind of music.”

Mindy sat up and her skirt hiked an inch just to the tops of her knees; Connor already knew she was wearing biker shorts underneath, but it didn’t stop his eyes from wanting to flick downward as the lace rose over her bare legs.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay...my mom and dad aren’t too into it, but I think my grandma had some tapes.” Mindy fixed her bangs so they lay flat; she hated when they exposed her forehead. She never grew them out. “Oh wait, forget that. Find one that says Donnie McClurkin.”

“Who?” Connor asked as he carefully went through the little stacks.

“His music isn’t that old, but he and this other lady did a cover of an older song.” Mindy said as she swung her legs over the arm rest and let her back lean on the other; she rested her cheeks against the old upholstery of the recliner and yawned again. “He’s a minister now, but he did some music. My mom liked his voice, though she wasn’t into gospel much.”

“Your mom is the religious one right?”

“Sure. My dad is too actually, but...well, it’s not like he has a right to preach to anyone.” Mindy said wryly.

“Found it.” Connor got up and pressed the radio button to switch the tapes. “How the hell is this thing still working?”

“Magic.” Mindy smiled; the music began. Connor could already see why she liked it; that guitar was all funk and disco right off the bat. It sounded nice.

“You got a cute way of talkin’...you got the better of me.” Mindy sang softly enough to not go louder than the recording. “Just got your fingers and I’m walking...like a dog hanging on a leash…”

Connor took another hit; he smiled slowly as she hummed along. Her hair was half hanging off the armrest and the tips trailed the floor. The image of her lowering her hair to sweep the stone surface made him giggle.

Mindy looked at him from the corner of her eye. “Do you feel okay?”

“Yeah.” Connor said as he relaxed back into the tower of boxes. “Hey, is your mom really okay with me staying the night?”

“Sure. She trusts you won’t jack us or anything. I wish we had an extra place for you to sleep; can you fit on the couch?”

“Yeah.”

Mindy smiled softly. “My dad loves this song.”

Connor didn’t say anything, but he chanced looking her way; she sounded sad, but she was smiling sincerely.

“He’d pick me up and spin me around no problem….he...he really does suck. It’d be easy if he was just an asshole, you know? If he was, I could say, ‘fuck him’ and never look back. But he’s not...when you can see the person you’re missing out on, I think it might hurt as much as never having them at all.”

“My mom always talks about how things used to be. It’s like she wants to just have us all be like how we were...but I wasn’t always that happy...I don’t know. I can’t remember not being messed up anymore.” Connor flicked some ash from the blunt.

“How was therapy?”

Connor shrugged. “Okay. I mostly just talked about what happened that night. She mostly listened; I think she only asked like five questions the whole hour…”

“Were they open ended?”

“Huh?”

“Closed questions have straight answers; like, if she asked how old you were, what would you say?”

“Too old to still be a virgin.”

Mindy snorted and almost spit out her soda. “Oh my god, Connor, be serious! I mean, your age is a fact. Closed questions are also called fact finding questions. If she asked you an open ended question, it wouldn’t have an exact answer.”

“So, if you asked me how I was feeling right now or what I was thinking, a yes or no wouldn’t cut it?”

“Exactly. You’d have to put some thought in it and elaborate more.” Mindy was still chuckling. “Hey, don’t tell me you’re hung up about that for real?”

Connor shrugged. “Not really, i guess. But I’m legally allowed to join the army and buy cigarettes but I haven’t even kissed a girl.”

“Hey, me neither.” Mindy said with a teasing grin. “Actually, I haven’t kissed anyone.”

“Really?”

“Nah. I mean, it’s hard when you spend most of your life avoiding people.”

“Right...but, do you want to?”

Mindy didn’t answer right away. “Eh...sure? To be honest, things were crazy for so long, dating and stuff was the last thing on my mind. Even crushes just didn’t go anywhere. I don’t think dating is much of an option for me now...unless I dated an older guy.”

Connor had to keep himself from choking on the smoke; he was distracted and didn’t inhale properly. “W-why?”

“Michelle. When mom goes, she’s living with me. Hell, older guys wouldn’t want to deal with baggage like that; bottom line is she comes first. I don’t need some guy helping me with her, I just would like it if they didn’t have an issue with how she is.”

“Why would they?”

“Well, she is a pain in the ass. How many guys would want to deal with their girlfriend dealing with a screaming overgrown toddler?”

Connor shrugged. “She’s not that bad.”

“I guess, but I can see why men wouldn’t want to sign up for that.” Mindy told him lightly. “God knows I have a hard time now and then, and I live with her.”

Connor put the last tiny bit of the joint in a dusty jam jar they found near the stairs. “What kind of guys do you like anyway? I mean, seeing as how you didn’t talk to anyone, I’ll be shocked if you have a type.”

“Geez, I may not have talked to many, but that doesn’t mean I don’t look.” Mindy sent him a toothy grin. “But you have a good point; it seems like the guys I like have a pattern.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah...like short dark hair or shaved. Nice smile. Sweet, mature...funny. Someone who seemed reliable or steady. My mom would say boring, but what’s wrong with that? I’ve had more than enough unpredictable surprises to last a lifetime.” Mindy sighed wearily; Connor nodded and he wished he could just crawl into a hole.

“So, you like the mild, put together type huh?”

“Yep.” Mindy agreed readily. “But it doesn’t really matter.”

“Because no guy our age is that normal?” Connor wished he hadn’t finished the joint so quick; he felt his nerves flare up again. The song was already over; he really wished for something to distract him from hanging on her every word.

She giggled. “No, because if I like someone, well, that checklist sort of gets thrown out the window. If a guy had long hair or wasn’t always in the best mood or just needed to lean on me as much as I counted on him, then fine. That aside, I can’t say there’s anyone I like that way now. If I did, well...you know I’m not good with...but if I did. I hope I’d know.” Mindy said sheepishly. “At any rate, guys in general aren’t exactly lining up at my door, so I’m sure there’s plenty of time to figure that stuff out.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Oh please, you say it like you’re going to be single forever.”

“Honestly, it doesn’t help I’m more of a buddy than girlfriend material.”

“Seriously? You bake and sew and take care of kids and shit. You’re Mrs. Fucking Rogers; I think you’re girly enough.”

“No, I’m a mother hen.” Mindy corrected with a faint laugh. “Guys don’t want to kiss their buddies or their moms. I mean, unless they're into dudes or Norman Bates. Oh, we should watch ‘Psycho’!” she frowned suddenly. “Hey Connor what about you? What kind of girls do you like?”

“Ones that don’t give me dirty looks in the hallways and don’t bitch about me getting a haircut.” Connor said dryly.

“Yes, I hear those girls tend to be difficult.” Mindy nodded solemnly. “So, what do you want to hear next?”

Connor took out his phone; he already had the song downloaded and saved so they wouldn’t have to worry about buffering. Mindy cocked her head to the side as he set it down next to the radio and turned up the volume.

“Let’s dance.”

“Now?”

“No, after the songs over.”

Mindy bit back a retort. “But I don’t know how.”

“You just danced.”

“Yeah, but I never slow danced.” Mindy said simply.

“And since you missed tonight’s dance, you missed a chance to learn. I think I can help you out since I basically hijacked your night.” It must have been the weed that loosened up his tongue; he felt his feet almost move on their own. “Well, hurry up.”

“How…?” Mindy held up her hands awkwardly.

“Look, it’s new to me too. Just-put your arms here.” Connor grabbed her forearms and looped them around his neck. “Ow.”

“Sorry, did I tug on your hair?”

“Yeah. Maybe I should hack it off.”

“No way!” Mindy exclaimed. “It looks good on you; here, let me-there.” she held her hands against the skin of his nape. “Alright, what next?”

“I...put my hands on your waist?”

“....don’t you know?”

“Fuck off.” Connor grumbled; he winced as his palms made contact with her dress. His hands were clamming up; he ended up pulling her too close trying to get their positioning over with, but Mindy didn’t seem to notice. Actually, she was looking close to laughing.

“What?”

“God you smell like pot.”

“Wow, weird. I thought I’d smell like fucking roses.” Connor smiled thinly but it fell when she leaned forward slightly.

“I didn’t know roses fucked.” Mindy sniffed again. “Huh. Why do you smell my blanket?”

“I’m wearing your jacket. It’s probably you.”

Mindy made a sound of comprehension; her attention drifted to the music. The front man was singing in a low tone. “I never heard this one...is this an emo band?”

“Sure, whatever.” Connor secured his arms around her to get her attention. “Now move your feet with me.”

“Oh right.”

They moved side to side somewhat oddly, but their feet didn’t trample on each other’s.

“ _Hello there, the angel from my nightmare~”_

“Yeah, this is some Hot Topic shit right there.”

“It’s Blink 182 and you would know if you didn’t live under a rock. Now shut up. Just keep listening…”

Mindy tried to move in time with Connor as the she took in the repetitive beat.

“ _The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley we can live like Jack and Sally if we want...where you can always find me and we’ll have Halloween on Christmas, in the night we’ll wish this never ends, we’ll wish this never ends….”_

Mindy beamed up at him; he could smell the candy on her breath. “I love it.”

“Told you.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Now I am.”

She laughed so hard she had to lean on his chest while a new singer began his verse.

 _“Where are you? And I’m so sorry, I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight~”_ they sounded pained as they sang, their voices mingling in and out with the melancholy music. _“I need somebody and always, this sick strange darkness, comes creeping on so haunting everytime~”_

“It’s a bit sad…”

“You really never heard it?”

“No.” Mindy shook her head and Connor felt her bangs tickle his neck. “I try to stay away from sadder songs usually.”

“Is it bumming you out?” his voice was just able to be audible. “I can change it.”

“No. It’s your song. I want to listen to the rest.”

Connor didn’t know what to say, so he just continued to sway along slowly back and forth with her.

_“Don’t waste your time on me, you’re already the voice inside my head…”_

Mindy frowned as the chorus continued. “What does that mean? Sorry, I keep interrupting…”

“It’s cool. This songs my favorite from them.” Connor smiled self deprecatingly. “I read what the song means basically.”

“What? It sounds like a break up song.”

“Not really.” Connor looked at the wall as Mindy glanced up at him. “The guy who sings this part said it’s a guy who loves a girl and he’s basically telling her not to waste time talking to him since he has this idea she already thinks he’s a lost cause.”

Mindy looked at Connor until he looked back. “Maybe he needs to shut the fuck up and let her decide that.”

“Maybe he’s not that interested.”

“Maybe he’s full of shit.”

Connor blinked. “Maybe...he’s a fucking idiot who doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.”

“Maybe.” Mindy agreed. “I guess I’ve always been the kind of person to say ‘fuck it’. There’s not much I want to be honest, but when I do want something, I go for it.”

Connor gulped as Mindy pressed her cheek against his chest.

“But I can see where he’s coming from. It’s hard when you don’t know what to do. It’s hard to not wonder if the decision you made was the right one. But I think all you can really do is do what you know you’ll least regret.”

“I want to kiss you.”

Mindy’s eyes went wide. “Really?”

Connor nodded stiffly; it wasn’t that she looked disgusted or weirded out or even that surprised.

“Me?”

He nodded again, a bit harder to get his point across.

“...really?”

“Yes, fucking really!”

Mindy still looked skeptical. “Oh...well, do you mind if we don’t kiss on the lips yet?” she asked softly. “I mean, I haven’t…ya know.”

“It’s fine. I haven’t...either. Like at all.”

“Hold on a sec….” Mindy looked up at him as she mumbled, eyes narrowed in concentration. “Damn you’re too tall….bend your knees or something.”

Connor did lowered his head and Mindy pressed her lips to his cheek for about three seconds; she looked down and smiled worriedly, waiting.

“So...yeah.”

“That was-”

Connor couldn’t finish his sentence through his laugh and Mindy was more startled by that than anything else. And his smile; it looked wide enough to split his face in two.

“That was so cute…”

Mindy ducked her head. “Aw geez…”

Connor put a hand on her shoulder and bent down to kiss her cheek; he could feel it burning under his lips.

“So...what now?” Mindy asked. “Sorry Connor. I like you, but...wow. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago...I thought you couldn’t even stand me.”

“No. I didn’t…”

She smiled weakly. “Wow.”

“Yeah…” Connor tried to smile back. “...so, is it cool I’m not, you know, all that stable?”

Mindy’s face fell. “Oh god. Connor, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking-look at me, I’m not exactly the pinnacle of healthy.”

“You’re pretty close.”

She shrugged but her cheeks still looked pink. “You know, I always figured if I went out with a guy, he’d be my best friend too. I like you Connor, as a person and...I think as…”

“Amazing, I’ve found a way to make you flustered.”

“I’m not that flustered.”

Connor leaned forward so close their noses bumped together; his eyes locked on hers. Mindy gasped and ducked her head while Connor smirked. She frowned and slapped his chest lightly.

“Yeah, yeah, yuck it up jackass…” Mindy smiled. “Everyone loves an I-told-you-soer.”

Connor took her hand and made her sit on the rug with him; she didn’t pull hers away when they were settled.

“Want to stay down here a bit longer?”

Connor nodded and reached for another cupcake; Mindy gave his hand a squeeze before he pulled it from his to search through the box of tapes. Before she could find the one she wanted, her eyes landed in his lap.

“....are you hard?”

Connor jumped back and turned around, cupcake falling to the floor in a frosty mess.

“Why?” Mindy tried to looked over his shoulder. “Why is it doing that now? Nothing happened?”

“I-I don’t know! I just smoked and I was relaxed and it’s warm in here-!”

“Whoa, dude, lower your voice!” Mindy whispered and took his hand. “Jesus Connor, it’s okay. I mean, it happens to guys sometimes right?”

“...oh my fucking god…”

“Oh calm down, it’s just us here” Mindy said; she tugged on his hand. “Come on, I don’t give a shit. I just want to hold hands more. This shit is pretty nice.”

Connor glanced over at her and moved back to sit reluctantly. Of course. Of fucking course.

“Hey, it’s really okay.” Mindy paused before she brushed his hair from his sweaty forehead. “Need some water or something? You feel hot.”

“No.”

“Hey Connor?”

He gave her a look. “What?”

Mindy kissed his cheek. “You’re cute too.”

Connor brought his knees to his chest and found his nose pressing against the hoody collar. The scent was comforting at least. “Thanks.”

“Anytime. Want to hear The Strokes?”


	17. Epilogue

“So, the rope broke.” the guy looked a couple of years older than Connor; he gave the circle of attentive listeners a half smile. “So...yeah, that’s why I’m here.”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too.”

“I don’t know.” the guy rubbed his hands together and Connor tried to focus on what he was saying and not the noticeable gash on the bottom of his wrist. “It all feels like a fluke. I…” he inhaled a shaky breath. “Maybe it’s just me...I don’t feel relieved. When that rope snapped and I heard it snap and I was lying on my bed, I didn’t feel anything.”

“Michael, what was your first thought when the rope snapped?” The group leader was a large woman wearing a floral print blouse; the array of colors was more shocking than stylish. Connor held back a smile; it was the sort of thing Mindy might think was fashionable.

“I thought...oh. Well.”

“Well?”

“Yeah. Like, oh well, I guess I’m still here.” Michael looked at each group member’s face cautiously. “I..I guess I should be lucky. I never believed in god or anything, but in a way, it was like I was getting a second chance, but I don’t feel like that’s what it is.”

“Looking back on the events, how do you feel now?”

“Right now?”

The woman nodded; Connor didn’t remember her name.

“Numb. Resigned.” Michael thought for a moment. “I don’t feel like this is an opportunity. I just didn’t get a strong enough rope. Now I’m back here with a sore neck.”

The woman nodded. “And when you got back up and went to walk your dog, did you make any plans? Did you see yourself going to the hardware store, buying a stronger rope, and trying it again?”

“...no. Not really. I was just like, ‘well, it didn’t work. Might as well go walk Buster and make dinner.”

“Michael, I think that it’s great that afterward you didn’t go out and buy another rope.” a girl spoke up tentatively after there was a silence. “I know how you might feel. I didn’t feel much after I woke up from my overdose, but now that I’m here...well, I’m glad to be.”

The group murmured in agreement.

Michael gave the girl a weak smile. “Thank you.”

“So, let’s do a sort of roll call.” the woman sat up in her seat, her marble grey eyes scanning over their faces. “Who here felt after their attempt that they were relieved to be alive? That the pills weren’t that strong, that the rope broke, even if you sustained an injury, who here agrees they’d rather have that than not be here now?”

A few hands rose up. Connor thought of raising his but didn’t.

“Okay.” the hands went down. “Who felt ‘resigned’? How many people felt little to nothing over their attempt not going as planned?”

Connor was one of ten who raised his hand; none of those who did really looked at on another.

“Okay. Now, how many of you are alive now because someone found you?”

Connor kept his hand up with two other people.

“For the people still raising your hands, I want you to say how you feel knowing there was someone there at the time and place of your attempt.”

The first guy said he felt angry with them at first. But then he just felt guilty. In fact, the other guy and Connor nodded, silently agreeing themselves.

“It was like, haven’t I done enough? Now I’m putting them through this...I really should just…” the second guy hung his head; he was at least forty and his face was contorted like a child about to give in to sobbing. “Sorry Jan.”

“Take your time.”

No one handed the man a box of tissues or said anything; allowing each other to grieve and cry without interruption was part of group etiquette.

“Sorry, I know I should feel so lucky to be alive, but I don’t. Even though half the people here didn’t even get found...I was. My dad, he’s already sick and he almost had a heart attack trying to stop me from suffocating. I don’t feel lucky. I feel like I just screwed over someone else and all I wanted to do was put me out of my misery. I didn’t think of how he’d find my body.”

Jan nodded. “Connor, Jason, do you feel the same as Tim regarding your parents finding you?”

They both sort of shrugged.

“Yeah.”

“I do...it’s the only reason I’d take it back.” Jason smiled darkly. “Guess that isn’t progress, huh?”

“Would I be right in assuming everyone here would be glad if they could do something for someone else?”

Another round of bobbing heads.

“Do you feel like life is more worth living if you’re doing something to make someone else’s life better? If you’re doing something to contribute to the world, something meaningful?”

Another round of nods and murmurs and some confusion; where was she going with this?

“Why?”

“Why?” came several mutters.

“Why do you feel like your life has more meaning if you’re doing something productive with it? Making someone else’s life better or contributing to a cause? Is it necessary to live? Are the people who live their everyday lives without making a great improvement for the world wasting the life they have?”

Jan’s mild gaze and mild voice seemed to cut them all in different ways.  
“I mean, maybe not, but if you’re just making things worse for everyone else, what’s the point of being around?” Connor said evenly. “You’re not doing anyone any favors.”

“Connor, remember we use ‘I’ statements.”

He smiled blandly. “Right, sorry. I...feel that if someone...if I was just bringing everyone around them misery or making life harder for other people...maybe they shouldn’t be alive.”

“Connor, you said your parents found you in your room? That they and your sister took you to the hospital and you’re currently living with them now?”

“Yeah.”

Jan nodded. “If all you did was make their lives hard, do you think they’d have taken you to the hospital?”

Connor shrugged. “I mean, if they didn’t, wouldn’t they get in trouble or something? I guess they could have said they didn’t find me until it was too late.”

“Do you think your family loves you?”

“...I think they do, but...I know I make things harder. I know if I wasn’t around, they’d have a big thing causing them trouble cut out of their lives.”

“But if you think they still love you, there must be something about you that they wouldn’t want to lose at least-I mean, I would think that’s what that meant.” Jason smiled apologetically at Jan; he was new to group too.

Connor shrugged and Jan continued to look at him attentively.

“Is there anyone else in your life who would feel like your parents?”

“I guess. I sort of made friends with this other guy; he’s in therapy too. I guess he wouldn’t be cool with me dying. And then there’s my girlfriend.”

Jan nodded. “Is this the same girl who you tried to call that night before your attempt.”

Connor nodded. “I asked her out on Halloween. She’s glad I’m here. In group and you know, living.”

“A support network is very important.”

Connor nodded again. “She’s going to treat me to ice cream later.”

He felt dumb for the unnecessary comment, but the rest of the group was nodding and smiling at him.

“I’m glad Connor, she sounds nice.” the girl smiled sadly. “I wish my girlfriend had stuck by me. It’s lonely...when…”

Jan let the girl take a few calming breaths before she continued.

“It’s lonely when people know you’re suicidal and they start acting like, like it’s contagious. I feel even more like a...defect.” the girl wiped her eyes and sniffed loudly to clear her nose. “I hate this. I..I’m actually relieved it didn’t work, but I wish no one had found me. At least then they’d have one less reason to avoid me…”

Connor sighed softly as he listened to story after story; he didn’t know how to feel being there. On one level, he didn’t feel exactly uncomfortable being open with people there; in fact, it was a very friendly and welcoming atmosphere. He had gotten more numbers at the end of the session than he had ever gotten his whole life; members would give each other ways to contact each other in case one of them needed to talk to someone who could lend a empathetic ear or talk them through a crisis.

But on the other hand they were supportive; Connor felt suspicious. Everyone was too nice, too eager to talk and listen and nod and share. A sense of superiority came from not being so quick to talk, but Connor knew it was unwarranted and irrational; look where doing it got him.

“Hey.” Connor got into his mom’s waiting car; to his surprise, his dad was in the passenger seat and out of his work clothes. “Hey dad.”

“Hey Connor.” Larry offered a small smile as Cynthia started the car and coasted onto the street. “How’d it go?”

Connor shrugged. “It went okay. A lot of the people gave me their numbers; they’re big on support networking and all that.”

“Well, that’s good.” Cynthia smiled. “It might help to talk to someone who has firsthand perspective.”

Larry shifted in his seat. “You have enough room back there?”

“Yeah.” Connor was staring out the window at the passing cars and dying trees; it was getting colder. “I thought you had work Saturdays?”

“Took the day off. I wanted to hear how your first session went. You know, support network and all that.”

Connor kept his face to the window as he smiled. “It was alright. I mean...I guess it was okay talking. The lady there is weird.”

“Weird?”

“Literally nothing phases her.” Connor explained. “This one girl was talking about how she tried to kill herself after realizing she had school that day. She thought it was a holiday, but it wasn’t and she was just like, ‘fuck it, I have the time now, might as well’. The lady in charge just asked her to go on.”

Cynthia blinked. “Oh. I guess she must be trained to do that.” she glanced at Connor from the rearview mirror. “Sweetie, where’d you get that jacket from?”

“Huh?”

“That jacket. Is it new?”

“Uh, not really.” Connor had taken Mindy’s hoody back with him the day after Halloween; that noon he had his group therapy after making sure it didn’t smell like weed. It made his nerves calmer as he walked through the building doors. “It’s Mindy’s.”

“Oh.”

There was an off silence.

“We were actually thinking of...you know, dating.”

“Really?!”

Cynthia shot her husband a look. “Larry, are you serious?”

“What, I mean, I’m happy for him, but-” Larry shrugged at Connor. “I thought you liked that other kid. What’s his name?”

Connor slowly turned in his seat. “Hansen?”

“Yeah, the one you email. You were so upset when I looked through your inbox that night-”

“Yeah, because it’s private.”

“Not now, we already talked about this.” Cynthia told them both abruptly. “No one is looking at anyone’s private business unless they have reasonable cause.”

“Sorry.” Larry said meekly.

“I can’t believe you thought I was gay.”

“I’m not judging! It’s just, you’re so...particular about your hair and then there’s the nail polish…” Larry shrinked back when Cynthia gave him a warning look. “What? All the gay guys from my school were into long hair and nail polish. Except Jerry Dean, he just liked Alice Cooper.”’

Connor put a hand to his face torn between feeling mortified and laughing. “Oh my god…”

“Sweetie, your father misunderstood and there is nothing wrong with being gay.” Cynthia said sternly. “Or wearing black polish, but I do think you’d look twice as handsome if you just let me trim it an inch or-”

“Mom. No.”

“Okay, okay.” Cynthia said quickly.

“Is that why you were so cool with me staying over the night?” Connor asked suddenly. “You guys thought I wouldn’t do anything?”

“Connor, you’re eighteen. As long as you’re not doing something dangerous, well, we can’t tell you not to stay over a girl’s house. Her mom was fine with it too and we trust Mindy.” Larry said pleasantly. “Besides, your mother never thought you were gay. I just had a hunch and I was willing to support you.”

Connor leaned his head against the window pane. “Thanks dad.”

“Sure thing son. As long as you don’t date a scientologist.”

“Really Larry?” Cynthia sighed and sent him a half amused look as she pulled into their driveway.

“What, those people are whack jobs.”

“I guess that means I’m not.” Connor said dryly.

“You’re damn right you’re not.” Larry said quietly while he followed them to the porch. “Not at all.”

Connor smiled slightly. “And if I join a cult and sacrifice a cow to aliens?”

“You’re disowned if you don’t bring the rest back for me to cook before it goes bad.”

“Oh god you two are horrible-” Cynthia paused as she stepped inside the house. “What is that?”

Larry frowned and moved to the side to get by. “What?”

“I smell something.”

“Burning?”

“No, no.” Cynthia said quickly and let Connor get over to take off his boots; she smelled the air. “It’s spicy though.”

“Mom?” Zoe’s voice called out from the kitchen. “Are you home?”

‘Yeah sweetie, we’re back with Connor. Are you making something?”

Before Zoe could answer, mindy’s head popped out from around the entrance.

“Oh sorry, I got here early and I was helping Zoe make something.” she smiled self consciously and wiped her hands on an apron tied around her waist. “Hey Connor, sorry.”

“Hey.” he smiled. “What the hell are you wearing?”

“I borrowed it. I didn’t want to get my shirt dirty.” Mindy said, daring him to make another remark.

“Hey asshole, how about thanking her for helping me make you dinner? Well, everyone dinner.” Zoe smiled wryly; she was wearing sweats that were already stained.

“Thanks for not letting my sister fuck up the kitchen.”

“Connor,” Mindy frowned. “It was Zoe’s idea to make you something. She thought you’d be hungry after the group session.”

Zoe gave Mindy a look, but it was blatantly ignored. “Well, it’s almost dinner time and I was hungry. And I couldn’t decide what to make, but Mindy said we had all the stuff to make seven layer taco dip.”

“Seven layers? What’s in it?” Larry asked as he peered over to the counter; their casserole dishes were filled to the brim with what looked like ten types of food.

“Guacamole, ground beef, cheese, olives, sour cream, tomatoes, and refried beans.” Zoe counted on her fingers. “The school let committee members working on the dance take home whatever unopened snacks were left, so we have tons of chips.”

Larry clapped his hands together. “Sounds good to me! Is there anything I can help with? I feel antsy taking the day off.”

“Oh no, it’s all done.” Mindy told him. “I hope you don’t mind though, if it isn’t good, I’ll pay you back for the groceries.”

“Oh no, you made us all an awesome dinner for nothing but you used food we weren’t going to!” Connor drawled as he grabbed a chip from the open bag. “Fucking monster.”

“Jackass.” Mindy’s eyes went to Cynthia. “Oh sorry.”

Cynthia sighed. “I’ve sort of given up at this point...but seeing as you’re the one who does more cleaning and cooking around here than either of my children, I’ll give you a pass.”

“Hey, I helped.” Zoe said. “Look at those layers, they’re perfect.”

Larry leaned down, crouching to see the dish at eye level. “I don’t know honey...think I’ll need to break out my tool box and double check the balance.”

Mindy bent down to look herself. “Maybe if it has another layer…”

“Oh, how about green peppers?” Cynthia said as she took out plates.

“Ew, I hate peppers. Let’s do onions.” Zoe suggested; she smiled suddenly. “Hey Connor, then you can cover up that pot smell.”

“And you can cover up that rotten fruits smell.”

Zoe frowned. “This perfume is supposed to be oranges and tangerines.”

“Whoops.” Connor slung an arm around Mindy as she poured the chips into a large serving bowl. “Hope you kept the receipt.”

“I know mom and dad still have yours.”

Connor was about to retort, but was cut off as Mindy bent over double and let out a series of giggles and half snorts.

“Oh god, burn!”

“Hey, if I wasn’t born, who’d you get ice cream with later?”

Mindy stifled another laugh. “Well... I was thinking; Evan doesn’t have anything to do today.”

“Too bad. Last time I heard you were seeing someone.” Connor said shortly as he helped her open a second bag.

“Actually, I meant he and Zoe could come with.”

“Me?” Zoe turned her head suddenly; she didn’t look happy but she didn’t look too thrilled.

“Sure. Connor, Evan’s mom is at school late again, I was thinking he could hang out with us?” Mindy asked tentatively.

“Yeah, fine, but it’s just hanging out right? You’re not scoping your options?”

Larry laughed while he set up a pitcher of lemonade. “Good one son.”

“Huh?”

“Well, your friend’s gay right?” Larry looked genuinely confused.

“Oh god, no dad.”

“He isn’t?”

“Mom, you too?”

Cynthia shrugged while she searched for napkins. “What’s wrong with that?”

Connor moved over so she could get into the cabinets above his head. “I think I’ll need more therapy after this.”

“How’d it go?” Mindy asked casually.

“Fine. Lots of sharing and crap.”

Mindy smiled. “Well, I hope it goes okay. I mean, I can’t understand everything you’re going through, so it’d be nice if you had support from people who know.”

“You don’t need to know. You do enough just being here and staying with me.” Connor clamped his mouth shut; he hadn’t meant to say that in front of his family, but he couldn’t help be reminded of the girl whose own girlfriend had left her high and dry. Maybe his relationships still needed work, but he had to say, it helped. Even now, her being there was calming. Not that he wanted to say something so personal in front of his parents and little sister.

“So, you’re cool with me going for ice cream?” Zoe asked without looking over at them while she carried the chips to the table.

“Oh, I was worried Evan might feel like a third wheel.” Mindy explained. “You don’t have to, but I thought it’d be fun to all go together.”

Cynthia smiled softly. “Ala mode? Zoe, you and Connor should go, you haven’t been there in years.”

Zoe shrugged. “Sure, I could for ice cream later. Evan Hansen you said was coming? He doesn’t seem like he gets out much.”

“He’s...a man of few words.” Mindy smiled. “But he’s great.”

“Great?”

Mindy sent Connor a mocking look of exasperation. “Yes, great. And you’re the best. Are you happy? Do you want him to sit at a different table than us?”

“He can sit with Zoe.”

“Oh my god, you’re pawning me off so you don’t have competition?”

“No. Pawning implies it’s temporary.”

“Mom, Connor’s going to give me away to this kid from school.”

“Connor, I have to meet him first.” Larry said dryly as he loaded his plate.  
Cynthia took his plate. “Zoe can make her own decisions.”

“What? Your dad wanted to meet me first.”

“Yeah, and it was the worst.”

“I just broke a vase.”

“That was my great aunt’s ashes!”

“Oh yeah.” Larry chewed thoughtfully. “Well, we met Mindy first. Wouldn’t be fair to Connor if we didn’t meet whoever Zoe went out with.”

“But they weren’t dating then-wait, you’re dating now?” Zoe stared at Mindy. “You’re dating my brother?”

“Um, yeah.” Mindy nodded as she picked up one if the casserole trays.

“No way.”  
“Move it or lose it.” Connor shoved past her with the other dish. “Mindy, wasn’t tonight going to be our first date or something? Let Evan and Zoe go off on their own.”

Before Zoe could send him a dirty look, Mindy cut in.

“It was?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. I just wanted to get ice cream.” Mindy said.

“Be safe.” Larry said as he ate.

“Dad!”

“Oh my god dad, I don’t want to be here for this!” Zoe covered her ears.

“Okay.” Mindy looked at both Zoe and Connor. “What? It’s important to be safe.”

“Mindy, my husband is talking about using protection, at a very inappropriate time.” Cynthia added loudly as she took a seat by Larry. “And I already had this talk with Connor.”

“What? When?”

“When we first got him the computer. God knows they put all sorts of things online, I didn’t want him misunderstanding certain things.”

Connor slumped over and banged his head lightly on the table. “Kill me.” he looked up when Cynthia gasped. “Mom, it’s a joke.”

“Sweetie, don’t make those jokes.”

“Sorry…”

“Connor, is it good?”

He smiled at Mindy’s worried face. “It’s great.”

“Ahem.” Zoe looked expectant.

“It’s good.”

“Wow, I can just feel the love from here.”

Cynthia and Larry shared a quick glance; this was the most Zoe and Connor had even said to each other in months. For now, they kept silent and looked forward to maybe a few more dinners like this together.

Zoe sent a quick message to tell her friends that she was busy that night; she looked forward to spending an evening where her brother was almost normal. At the least, she’d get ice cream out of it.

Mindy laughed and dug in, looking forward to hanging out with all her new friends; she sent Evan a quick text to say her plan was all set up and he would be frantic to get himself prepared, but he looked forward to talking with Zoe Murphy all the same. If all else failed, he would still have his friends there to catch him if he fell.

Connor zipped up his new favorite jacket and smiled through a mouthful of chips,  as he looked forward to something different.

Maybe he would never be entirely okay. Maybe therapy would help and maybe it could only do so much.

He knew it wouldn’t always be this peaceful. He’d probably make his mom cry and his dad feel lost. He’d make Zoe angry. He could improve, but even then, he wouldn’t be able to completely close the distance he had created between them all.

He’d hurt Mindy, without evening meaning to. He’d try not to hate himself too much for it when she stuck by him anyway so they could work it out together. After all, he had thought he was past that by then. She didn’t agree.

Their family had as much of a chance as returning the the past as Mindy and her family had of moving forward completely unscathed. There would always be painful memories and frustrated conversations and tragic consequences for the price of survival.

There would be life and all it’s good points and bad and it’s twists and turns and there might even be days when Mindy’s hand wouldn’t be enough to pull him through it. There would be days when he knew his smile might not be enough to make her forget and forgive herself for the things she couldn’t do. There would be dates and kissing and tears and laughter and whispered nothings and heated arguments and a lot of growing up to do between their own demons. 

But that was okay too. For now, they could live with that and the changes and the unknown future, and it was okay to be scared and upset and lost, because they realized it didn’t have to be that way forever. They could reach for more, they could fight head on and sometimes, they could even win.

They could hope.


End file.
